Hi,
I'm not sure what to do with this, I guess I can't really do anything, but maybe someone has some ideas.
My father lives alone, I'm his only close family. He's suffered significant anxiety his whole life, his eyesight is pretty close to gone, but otherwise he's healthy.
For me, the biggest problem has been the anxiety. He 's alone, watching the same crap every day, and gets really worked up sometimes. And it's all dropped on me. It's not too bad, but sometimes, it can be.
A couple of months ago, after years of trying, I finally got him to talk to a doctor, who prescribed Zoloft. He did it for a month, says it gave him headaches and made him loopy (those are common side effects and often go away). So, no Zoloft, no surprise.
And he thinks he was fine, "he's always had a bit of anxiety".
I spoke to my aunt about it and she gave me a complete "what for" about things. Are you on his medical records? Are you checking on his meds? Are you getting him help. So on and so forth. One of his other doctors asked a straight-forward question, "if you can't see, how are you doing this stuff?" He bikes! "Oh, I can see good enough for that....".
My aunt also told me that she thought he might be losing it a bit.
The thing is, he won't accept help. He accepts a little bit from me but I can't get someone in to clean his house for instance. And he won't let me, say's he won't be able to find any thing.
The only thing I can think to do is to start keeping notes on the conversations, so when he gets really out there, which fortunately isn't that often, it's recorded. But he just denies it was like that.
I have no sense of classic dementia, he remembers things, but he's got pretty serious denial on the anxiety.
I don't know, all I can do is be there I guess, but any ideas would be welcome.
Either staying in denial about it or cognitively not even being able to recognise it are different things. But the result can be the same. He won't accept non-family help. Maybe no non-you help. Because he trusts you.
What activities of daily livng (ADLs) does he need help for? House cleaning you mentioned. Can he still cook, prepare meals, wash himself, wash his clothes, take his medicine correctly?
How often do you need to pop in now? Weekly? Daily?
Tell us about the level of help you provide. Would he be fine if you left for a 2 week holiday?
It’s a shame that he stopped taking his meds.
Do you think he would be willing to try another kind of medication for anxiety?
Keeping notes is a good idea. I hope that you find a viable solution soon.
I know that your situation is frustrating. Please do not neglect yourself. It’s easy to forget about yourself when you are so focused on your loved ones.
Best wishes and take care.
E.g. we don't know where you are in California, so we can't direct you to any elders' services who might agree to run a welfare check.
We don't know how old your father is.
Biking - push bike or motor???
What kind of area does he live in? Urban or rural?
Sight loss - do you know of any particular cause?
Your Dad is definitely right about one thing - people with impaired vision really need their furniture and belongings to stay put. When you (or anyone) move around your house turning on lights, opening cupboards, getting dressed, what have you, most of the time you're on autopilot: you reach for the light switch or the coffee jar without any conscious thought at all, muscle memory tells you exactly where it is. So anyone cleaning up needs to be really punctilious about this point - don't move the table just because you think it would be safer the other side of his chair! It needs to be where he expects it to be. And step one for any cleaner or worker would be to earn his trust that they're paying attention.
Can you describe what a typical tailspin is like, when your father's anxiety gets him worked up? What are the triggers, and what happens?
He's late 80's. Blind to the point that you point your finger at paper for a signature and he can't see it. He has Macular Degeneration, wet in one eye, dry in the other. Except for a lifetime of anxiety, no major health issues that I'm aware.
I have a financial POA, that is active, but the medical requires a doctor's help. I don't believe he's at that point. I also don't use the financial POA, keep him in the loop on everything, but every once in awhile he goes sideways on how much money he has. I give him a financial statement every so often in large font so he can read it with his reader.
He also has access to the VA, I got him to go to a blind program they offer, he liked the camaraderie with the other guys but took nothing from it. They gave him books to listen to and he's never touched any of them. "Why would I want that when I've got a TV that goes to the same stations every day".
The last few years have been hard, the MD, he's alone, can't drive, etc. He had back pain so was laid out for a year. I'm convinced it was the depression because all he was doing after my mother died was sitting hunched over a chair really close to the tv. Biking got him out and off the chair.
We also sold a property that's been in the family for years. The stress of that really got to him, he was making some crazy calls to the realtor and I about how we couldn't sell it because of various things. At one point he screamed at me about how something he had done could kill someone! So, you let me wander around with that out there? Note: it was fine.
I get the sense that he's pretty angry with me right now. Probably feels like I betrayed him by trying to get him to accept help, something he just won't do. No one is going to clean that house, not me, not an outside party, and the VA offers help.
His biggest source of frustration is his eyesight. My biggest source of frustration is that he's trying to tough it out, doesn't realize that some of the calls, sometimes, leave me thinking, "oh, bleep....". I live in dread that one day, something will go really sideways, and it'll turn into a nightmare. So far, it's just the anxiety that has been bad, at times, really bad, and I'm sure he's miserable a lot of the time.
He, genuinely seemed a lot happier on Zoloft. It sure made him a lot easier to talk to, much less needy and frustrated, but the drug isn't for me, it's for him, and if it gives him headaches, well, that's that.
I divorced him when I woke up one day & said ENOUGH.
Afterward, guess what? He decided to go get the help he 'didn't need' for the prior 22 years we were married. His afflictions were given a proper name & diagnosis, along with medications and SSDI to boot.
That was a long story to say this: you can't help someone who doesn't see that they have a problem to begin with. Or that doesn't want help. You can't save a person from himself either.
My two grown children are now in charge of my ex's care & handling. To say they're frustrated and fed up doesn't even begin to cover it. He is SO difficult, that oftentimes they have to literally pick him up and carry him into the car for a doctor's appointment. True story. That's how he was finally diagnosed with colon cancer: by my son forcing him to the doctor's office after he refused to go 100x.
One day, your dad will probably hurt himself while biking because he's practically blind and shouldn't be biking in that condition. He'll be taken to the ER and maybe need surgery for a broken leg or something. Then sent off to rehab where they will refuse to release him back to living alone.
At THAT point you will be able to intervene. Get him placed in Assisted Living or something along those lines. That's what happened with my father who was 'perfectly fine' until HE broke his hip, faced the situation I mentioned above, and had no other choice but for me to place him in Assisted Living along with my mother. That was in 2014.
Anxiety and the associated issues that go along with it are very, very difficult for another person to manage. I know, I tried for 2 decades until I threw my hands up in surrender. My poor children are now trying to manage their dad's care & finding it extremely difficult themselves.
Wishing you the very best of luck dealing with a tough situation. You have my sympathy AND my empathy, because I know exactly how you feel. Helpless and frustrated.
You must feel validated. You tried to help and warn him.
It’s a shame he didn’t listen and go for help sooner.
I wonder if he wouldn’t be as bad for him now.