My father in law recently had a stroke. Happened one month after I married his daughter. He has no income or savings, the medical bills are enormous, and unfortunately none of his immediate family cares much about him. He has three other children besides my wife, and only one has come to visit since the stroke, and that was only for a couple of days. My wife and myself had moved all of his belongings out of his apartment (into our garage), & received little to no help from any other family members. He has a sister that lives about 6 hours away, she wants nothing to do with him, wishes he was dead. He is also technically married, but doesn't live with his "wife", and she moved 8 hours away right after his stroke (said it had nothing to do with the relocation) We have 4 children, ranging from 2 years old to 15, so our lives are very busy to say the least, especially with the care of our 2 year old (no daycare). My wife and I both work full time, she is a nurse and I am self employed (graphic designer). The dad is currently at a local nursing home, but will be discharged soon, and as you guessed it, has no place to go. Like I mentioned before, he has no savings, and no one to help out. So, my wife being a natural care giver wants to move her father in with us, but I think he would get better care at the nursing home, plus we just don't have the money to pay for home health care as someone would have to come by 3 or 4 days a week when my wife is working. I believe his oldest sibling agreed that they could take him in, but my wife talked him out of it, saying that she can't trust anyone to take proper care of him. She feels that his condition will improve in the next year or two, but myself and others have not seen any improvement in the last 5 months, it's actually gotten worse as the rehab stopped a couple months ago. He has lost all control of his left side, can basically only talk, can't eat, he has an NG tube in for nutrition. This situation has caused an incredible amount of stress and fighting over the past several months, and it's been an emotional roller coaster. My wife gets depressed if I make any other suggestion besides moving him into our house, and I feel like it's going to eventually ruin our new marriage and cause a divorce. To make matters more interesting, we have just purchased a new home that we are renovating, and it's dug into our own finances, limited our own budgets, plus it takes up an incredible amount of our free time working on the renovation (ie. sweat equity). His medical bills come in the mail, and no one is opening them or making contact with the collectors. He needed to get his Medicaid straightened out, but no one is really taking any action there either. I honestly don't think that my wife would be capable taking care of him at home, and I fear that it would lead to her losing her job and then us losing our house. We live in an area of the US that suffered a major natural catastrophe recently, and half of the nursing homes were destroyed, so what few beds are left are in high demand. That was another reason why I was suggesting that we move him to a bigger city with more options for his care, but my wife doesn't want to hear it. I've researched online, and it's actually pretty difficult to find a scenario similar to the one we are in, so I'm reaching out here for help. I'm a caring person, I love my wife and family, and I want to see my father in law taken care of, but I also don't want his situation to drag our family down. He has burned alot of bridges throughout his life, and has landed himself in this situation of no one caring about him. Thanks in advance for any suggestions on what we can do.
The one thing that came to mind is this... if she wasn’t really that close to him before - and he doesn’t exactly have people lining up to be there for him - I wonder if he is playing up the “you are the only one I can count on” “I don’t know what I would do without you”, etc. He might be filling a hole he left in her heart from a young age. That is a powerful longing (to be loved be daddy).
Hopefully, she can recognize it (if that is happening). If he wasn’t feeding her soul prior to the stroke, I would take much of what he says with a grain of salt now that he is finding himself in a position to need care.
Just a thought.
Hopefully, someone will pick up his Medicaid processing issue and get him approved, so he can get into a proper facility.
Whatever dynamic exists, or existed between her and her father is causing her to function irrationally in favor of the care of her dad to the exclusion of you and her children.
There are many reasons why it might be her father that would suffer most in this situation, what with toys on the floor, normal childish boisterousness, half done renovation work, new surroundings, sharing sanitary facilities, schedule variations... I’m sure I could come up with several more, and you most certainly should start a list of difficult to solve and totally unsolvable problems yourself.
It sounds from your comments that he is in an ideal situation to be the recipient of a Medicaid bed in a SNF, which is clearly the best thing for him.
Present as much objective information about his choices (really only ONE CHOICE) and yours, and attempt to remain calm and positive about your lives together as YOUR family.
Best of luck to your family, and hopes that your wife will accept reason and common sense and loyalty to husband and children before the complex circumstances confronting a very needy and seriously ill parent.
Your gut is telling you the right thing -- your FIL should NOT move in with you.
Sometimes we have to put our foot down and say no.
If she really wants to help, tell her to get him on Medicaid so he can stay in a NH.
If he was improving maybe, but his care is beyond what one person can handle, even with someone coming in while she is at work.
You all sound very young, is this stroke a result of poor decisions in life, like drugs and alcohol?
I don't know how you convince your wife of this but you truly need to think of an alternative solution. I wish you the best.
Her first responsibility is to her immediate family; you and the children. If she refuses to see it that way, I'm not really sure WHAT you can do here! Perhaps ask her to agree to caring for her father for ONE MONTH and then reassessing the situation to see if it's working out, HONESTLY, or if he truly needs full time care at the SNF on Medicaid.
I feel like she's going to do this one way or another, no matter what you say. So maybe the 1 month trial compromise may be your best and only option. If she's a reasonable and honest woman, she will be dead on her feet after 1 month and ready to wave the white flag. But she'll have TRIED, and in her mind, that's what she will feel good about.
Best of luck!
You and her together can ask others about their experience so she can get an idea.
Also both of you talk to a social worker about placement for her dad.
All the best
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