As the title says, my 81 year-old father has no end-of-life documents (other than a will). I gave him an ultimatum to complete the documents (POA, Living Will, Healthcare Surrogate, Funeral/Burial, etc.) as he has been in and out of the hospital and rehab for the last year. He also lives in a hoarding situation where it is very difficult to move from room to room.
Dad texted me today that he will comply and complete the paperwork, but will not give copies (except the living will) to anyone. He will keep them in his safe (that stays unlocked) and give a key to his disgusting condo to a friend in case something happens to him.
I am my mother's POA and my sister is her healthcare surrogate. Mom and Dad are divorced for context. Mom gave us copies of everything 22 years ago including a list of her financial institutions. Even with this it has been a nightmare handling her financial and medical affairs as she has dementia.
I'm trying to avoid an emergency situation with my Dad, because handling this for my Mom has taken a toll on my health and caused unbelievable stress for my family.
Does anyone have an idea of why my Dad is being so difficult, awkward, and secretive? I've already seen his will and nothing surprising there. And would I be wrong to keep pushing for copies of the POA, Healthcare Surrogate, Burial plans, etc?
Thanks in advance!
If he says he creates a PoA but doesn't show the document or keep it somewhere accessible, then the court-assigned guardian scenario will probably still play out. The PoA absolutely needs to have the documents with them when they are at the ER with the principal.
As others have suggested, he may be paranoid. Try having a non-threatening talk with him in the morning before he sundowns. Do not give him "ultimatums", just information and then act like you don't care which he decides and that if he makes things difficult you won't have any problem with a stranger making decisions for him. That's as much as you can do.
May you receive peace in your heart no matter the path he takes.
Once he says the documents are complete, I will go over to his condo to "review" them with him to make sure I understand his wishes. Hopefully this will be non-threatening on his territory.
But that's the line we've drawn and will stick to it. And I'm ok if he's not ok with that. :)
Did you give him the actual FORMS to fill out and sign? He may not want to pay a lawyer, and thinks he needs one?
Dad does not have a ton of money. That's what makes his secrecy so bizarre.
He knows how to download the forms online. I offered to hire a notary and bring witnesses and print everything on my high-speed laser as well, but so far he hasn't taken me up on the offer.
I think he might be afraid of dying and by avoiding all this he doesn't have to think about it. Also, I think he has inattentive ADD and has a hard time focusing on things that aren't super interesting to him.
Do you actually want to be the responsible person? For example, as POA, you might be responsible for clearing or managing his hoard with the condo association if he is sick or not competent. Will he abide by whatever health decisions you would make for him, or would he fight your choices? You might be better off not accepting these roles and when the time comes, you can then choose whether to take the responsibility or not.
I really don't want to be POA or Healthcare Surrogate. I honestly wish he'd give the responsibility to my sister, but #1 she lives 700 miles away and #2 he doesn't want her to be Healthcare Surrogate after he's witnessed how she's handled that responsibility with my Mom (not well).
I fully expect to clean out the hoarded condo, but plan on hiring a cleaning crew to do the majority of the work.
You don’t even know if these documents actually were signed.. My father told me something similar. He and my mother went to an attorney for a consultation, I remember my mother showing me the boilerplate of the irrevocable trust and yelling about how she was going to lose their veterans real estate tax benefit (not true). They never signed any of it.
One day years later he told me that all his signed legal documents were in the china closet . I looked in there and found the unsigned boilerplate. He already did not know which end was up and that was years ago.
Also what happens if something happens to this friend?
Did he go to a lawyer to do these documents?
Too many unknowns to ferl confident that all is in place.
Once he says the documents are complete, I plan to go over to his home to review the documents with him to ensure that #1 they are signed, and #2 I clearly understand his wishes.
The friend he supposedly is leaving a key with is 91, 10 years older than him. I am in contact with her and will give her a call to make sure she actually has the key.
Dad has very little money. His only valuable asset is his hoarded condo so I can't understand the secretiveness other than a mental problem.
I'm not convinced if he has dementia, but he's made some outlandish statements lately - "Did you know they're putting fluoride in toothpaste now!". My husband and I just looked at each other. When I mentioned it to Dad later he argued that he never said that.
I also agree with the person who said provide information and then accept your father's decision, being sure he knows what the consequences are for not having a POA and health surrogate.
Wishing you well!
"Dad, it is very important that we follow your wishes, your healthcare wishes and and how you would like to handle your final affairs. As you know, Mom had all of her documents in order and it was still challenging to navigate the banks, hospitals -- all of them ask for this paperwork and will not do business or procedures unless legally permitted to. It is imperative that we have these documents in order to support your wishes and so that we can pay the bills and you keep you in your house, make sure you have food, insurance, pay the taxes, and the water bills. We may also need to apply for government assistance. They will need copies of these documents too. Here are the (printed) documents. Read through them. We can fill them out together and or we can take you to attorney where you can meet privately one-on-one --without us in the room - and you can tell the attorney your wishes. If you do not fill the paperwork legally stating your POA, your healthcare proxy, your will, then someone will have to be appointed from the court. This could be any person, including a stranger, that will come in the your house and make decisions about your life - who will have no idea of your wishes. So, please let's get the paperwork in order so that it is ready when you need it. You can always revoke it or change it anytime you want. You have the power. Finally, while I understand you want the 91 year old neighbor to hold your documents, this is not a good idea. Since they are in the 90s, there is a good chance that they could die before you. Our family would have no right to enter in their house and we may not know who their relatives are to gain access. Further, someone could possibly throw out your papers and the 91 year old's family would have no legal duty to you or to us to preserve these documents. So let's figure out another safe place."
hes done a will but unless the bank have poa if anything happened god forbid- they would freeze his accounts and it would make a mockery of his life’s savings to give it to the bank
( this is true btw)
If ADD is your father’s problem then lectures and nagging may only make him resist more. You may need to start with patience and not show any signs of being judgmental or lack of respect so he can learn to trust you enough to let you in. Only then can he work with you and let you help him complete those tasks.
I may be completely off in this and I have probably opened myself to a lot of criticism and have probably lost the respect of many in writing this but I think the effect ADD can have on some lives is not appreciated by most people unless they have lived it.
You, or someone he trusts and feels comfortable with, should sit down with him, and go through all the documents. He may find it easier to complete with a helping hand. Even a lawyer, if he or you could hire one, to help him complete everything, making sure he is doing it right.
You wonder why he is being so secretive, maybe he has secrets you don't know about. If he ends up in the hospital, you know where to find the appropriate documents, in the unlocked safe. He may just be hiding the fact that he has put off completing paperwork. Just find someone to help him with it and everyone will feel better once it is done.
These papers are no joke and shame on him for doing this to his family.
My dad was secretive too, and I finally told him to give me the papers to review or I was walking away and my mother with dementia could determine hus care and life decisions. He gave them to me immediately- and his PIA was 10 years outbif date. Will was old and not valid anymore..did not have medical poa, living will, nothing. Within a week or so, he fell and that was the beginning of the end. He went to hospital and never returned home again. We got that paperwork done but attorney who spoke to him to insure he was still capable of making decisions. And had a mobile notary going to rehab and ltc to get it all done.
I know I sound mean but that's what it took and I have no regrets.
and then I let go
That said, you can tell him once, firmly, that you need to have the information, NOW, or he's on his own to figure it out. Depending on how lucid he is, he may or may not comply.
In any case, you've done what you could and that's all you can do.