My father passed away a month ago. I have 2 sisters and I'm his son. One sister is married and has 2 sons. I feel very strongly that I am entitled to his things before anyone else, his jewelry and keepsakes to pass down upon my passing to my nephew's.
Upon my father's passing my mom gave my brother in law one of his rings even though they were not very close. I was given his and his father's wedding rings.
Recently a sister who is alone, diagnosed as bipolar and is a hoarder and does some grocery shopping for our mom saw several of his very expensive bolo ties and asked if she could have one and picked the nicest one to take. When I found out I was very upset and still am.
I shared this situation with my other sister and she said one the rings I was given was supposed to go to one of her sons and suggested it was a slip up from my mom and would I consider giving it to her. That would leave her other son with nothing, I don't feel that's fair and shows some favoritism.
I had noted that I do not believe that I'm entitled to any of my mom's things before my sisters and that would be for my sisters work out extending my feelings of rights to inherent from my parents.
I feel pretty strongly that my brother in law really shouldn't have received anything and that I am the keeper of my father's personal items and to pass them on when it's time.
What are your thoughts on this and how would you deal with this?
Be kind in your reply.
Thanks
Your mom is still living? And she has made these decisions about where some items have gone? That's within her rights, and maybe she doesn't understand that you would like some of dad's things. As far as being 'entitled' to anything, well, we really aren't, even if we're the oldest child, or only son, whatever.
This is something you should be discussing with your mom. If SHE has not made a will, she should be asked, gently, in time, to do so, to avoid this kind of thing happening when she passes.
My FIL died and my SIL and BIL were like raccoons--they came to his condo and just cleaned it out of anything of value. The will had not even been LOOKED at, much less dispersion of effects discussed.
My DH, who was the executor, simply rolled over and gave in to his sis and her hubby. One of my daughters took a turquoise belt buckle and that was it.
I sadly think that your sister will not return the bolo tie, and I'm sorry about that--but you can always just ASK her if she would let you have it.
Technically, EVERYTHING dad owned became mom's upon his death, She should be the one making the decisions about what goes where. Talk to her and let her know how you feel.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and sisters and mom can come together in peace about what really amounts to 'stuff'. It's not worth a family relationship over 'things'---I know that sounds mean, but having been there several times--good family relationships are better things to have than a belt buckle or washing machine.
My sister-in-law proudly displayed my grandmother's eternity ring to us a couple of years after my grandmother died. She's my brother's wife (obviously!), he is the eldest child of our branch of the family, I dare say my aunt gave her first choice of the jewellery, certainly it never entered my mind to challenge her about it then or later.
But all the same it annoys the bejesus out of me when I think about it. So I don't think about it. Unless the subject comes up - !
Let it go. Quicker than any of us care to dwell on, none of this will matter in the least to anybody.
In hindsight, your father could have/should have written in to a will what he wanted you to receive or how he wanted his material possessions distributed. If he didn’t do that then it’s best to stay civil with your mother and let it go. She’s already given a few things away. There’s no legal recourse to get them back. At the right time you could ask for them back but if they say no, you really don’t have recourse. I do think your mother should have at least asked you what you wanted, it does seem a bit odd that she’s giving your dads stuff away like this but I think she is probably grieving and maybe not thinking straight & probably feels put on the spot when other family members ask for her things.
When my uncle died, he was in possession of some of my grandparents possessions including an anniversary clock my grandfather gave my grandmother. They had been in my grandparents house & my uncle lived in that house for 2 years until it was sold and these items weren’t left to him or given to him by the executor, they were just in his possession. Anyway after he died, his wife of 4 years (3rd wife who never met my grandparents, she only ever met my uncles siblings & nieces and nephews). kept all his family stuff-my grandparents possessions, all the photo albums and home videos and my mother felt that those items should have been given back to our family. It came up in discussion with my cousin (uncles daughter) one day and there was a big screaming match. My cousin got very angry and said possession is 9/10th of the law and that by law my grandparents stuff belonged to her stepmother now. My mother felt since it was her mother’s stuff, she (or her sister) were entitled to it. It ended with my mother crying and my cousin red faced and yelling. It was terrible and in the end, to avoid any further drama and severed relationships, my mother let it go and it has never been brought up again. FWIW I think my uncles wife should have given that stuff back to our family. Its all in boxes in a shed anyway but legally it is hers so it is what it is. I could see wanting photos of my uncle but I don’t think she should have kept all the old family photos and videos. Not like she’s ever done anything with them.
I also want to point out that I put my sisters needs before my own for anything they may want of my mothers. They should have those daughters links to their mother and those items that bring them closest to her. I feel the same as a son to my fathers things. I don't want everything, not at all, I do feel I should have first choice just as I feel my sisters should have first choice to my mom's things.
As I am my fathers only son and possibly not having rights to some items that my sisters would never wear, like his watch or his tie clips and rings who should receive them as I would never lay claim to my mothers necklaces, ear rings or rings? I have stated this previously and it feel it shows I wish to be treated as I would treat others. There is no hypocrisy here.
I have to wonder at that admonition?
Is there a reason you suspect we might not be?
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I think that, unless he stipulated otherwise in a will, your Mother is the one who should make these decisions about her departed husband's belongings.
I would imagine that any "I want this or that" might add to your Mom's grief. I know you would never want that to happen.
I see no reason why you could not say, if there is something that has great emotional meaning to you, and you feel it would help you keep your father closer in your heart, that you could not say "Mom, I always loved that tiny black Bible Dad carried with him; could you consider my having it as a remembrance?"
I hope with time you will hold memories more dear and near; I lost my father many years ago at age 90. I think a day has not passed for me without his loving presence being a part of my heart. I wish the same for you.
I have to wonder at that admonition?
Is there a reason you suspect we might not be?"
Yes, your initial reply is overly critical and took my question out of context. Firstly, you will be put off in my reply to you. Reading and comprehending is critical to a dialog. I never "warned" anyone as you said, that's a huge difference. I asked for anyone that may reply to be kind as I've read many responses attacking the OP.
I am with Worried on this one. If Dad wanted his personal effects to go to certain people, then he should have written it down. If a Will is involved than a Codicil. I agree, why give something to a SIL who wasn't even close?
In my situation, my older brother of 2 boys is more sentimental than my youngest brother. The Younger never asked for anything of my Dads or Moms. So when I was cleaning out I put aside what I thought the older brother would like. I had 4 boxes, one for each of us. I ended up giving the older Dads military records and pictures.
I agree that the son or sons should be considered before anyone else. Same with daughters. But, there is nothing wrong in a son wanting something of Moms and visa versa. Grands, I feel their parents can hand down to them.
In the end though, those items belong to Mom for her to dovwhat she wanted with them. Our Wills say what yours is mine.
You don’t get to dictate the pecking order. You have a living parent (your mother) who essentially has the priority here to give away or keep anything she chooses to whomever she wants. Mom gave BIL a ring of your father’s. That is now his. It’s gone. Let it go. Hopefully he will enjoy it and think of his dear FIL every time he sees it.
You even think you have the right to determine which items the grandchildren should get.
Your father should have written out his wishes prior to his death. If he did not, maybe your father did not think much of these items anyway & didn’t care where or to whom they went. You’ll never know as there was nothing in writing. But for you to assume that YOU know or that your opinion supersedes your two sisters is just plain wrong.
All your father’s possessions belong to your mother now. Not the kids. Your mother. If she gave away a ring to a sister’s husband, what is wrong with that?
Just because you are male doesn’t give you the right to keep any of your father’s belongings nor demand anyone follow your directions.
Let your sister have the tie. Good grief!!! It’s a tie! I’ve lived through in-laws and other family members passing. In many cases the grandchildren aren’t even interested in items that belonged to their grandparents. To them the stuff is antiquated and cumbersome. And jewelry? I inherited my mother’s little collection. I had it appraised only to find what the family thought would be some $ was worth next to nothing. So it’s now a keepsake to help me to go through tough times when I miss my mother as she touched those items.
It’s been only a month since your father passed away. Let your mother grieve. Then call a family meeting in a month or two to discuss his property if your mother consents. Arguing about a ring given away to a family member? Non productive right now.
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