My mom had a stroke 2 yrs. ago when she was living in our home. It paralyzed her right side and she is unable to use her arm or leg even after therapy. She says she wants to come home, which makes me feel even worse knowing that she needs care that I can't give her. She is mentally alert and aware of what is going on. We have transportation to bring her home a couple hrs. once a month, but it does not make me feel better when she goes back. She is wheel chair bound and have to depend on public transportation for a little time at home. What can I do to accept this? She lived with us for 7 yrs. and my husband and I promised to take care of her.
Thank you for sharing your story. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I feel a little more normal now reading your story. Except for the husband, it's practically my life exact story for the last 8 years.
The stress from holding down a full time job, keeping up on her laundry and finances and visiting her EVERY day, caused me to have a SAH stroke. I was one lucky girl. Don't let that be part of your story.
Take care.
I, too, have heard my mom say "I want to go home.". My heart breaks every time. I believe this inner struggle will continue as our hearts and our brains disagree a lot.
I also agree with the advice given here about putting lists together to prove to yourself that her living IN your house just isn't feasible any longer. Let your brain prove to your heart that this is the best scenario for your mom.
Then go buy something delightful for Mom, give it to her along with your love, smiles and positive energy.
And, know you are not alone.
I was born in 1953 and I think we were raised in a similar way, that is with very good values but a lot of I SHOULD do this, I SHOULD not think that, etc... Guilt, then, was not necessarely a consequence of what we did wrong, but what we think we should have done, based on an ideal way up there that only matched PERFECTION. It may be a good incentive to do well, but it also weighs us all down. Somewhere inside you, you believe you SHOULD care for your mother at home. Somewhere inside her, she believes you SHOULD take care of her. However, you BOTH know your limits and you can both accept it. Your mother must love you a lot for you love to her so much. Therefore, she does not really want you to sacrifice your life for something you know is beyond your abilities. She is AFRAID. You are AFRAID.
Visit her often, care about what she is going through, bring her a joyful daughter, not a guilty one with red eyes and with heavy shoulders. Be kind for yourself, respect your life and she will have some sunshine when she sees you.
Also, I wonder, in response to that other post, has anyone ever taken their parent out of the nursing home and returned them to live in the child's home? Does that ever work out??? Sounds like a disaster to me!
First of all, I want to tell you that I highly commend you for being there for your mother and loving her as much as you do! Unfortunately, there are many mother's and father's and grandparent's out there who don't have someone like you! There are many elderly individuals who have family that don't care what happens to them. You are a wonderful daughter with much empathy, who has given your life, your time, and your heart,
as well as making sacrifices for your mom. It is people like you that truly “make a difference” in this world, even if for one person. Your precious mom. She is blessed to have you. :)
The best thing you can do for her in this difficult transition is take care of yourself mentally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Mother's have a way of knowing when we are upset, sad, and/or stressed. When you are confident and happy, she will also feel more relaxed with the situation. Even if she doesn't tell you that she knows you are doing what is best for her right now, you have to know that in her heart she truly appreciates and loves you!
Maybe, at some point, you can bring her back home and hire a full-time caregiver who can assist her and even teach you how to do the things you are unfamiliar with. If that is not an option, I suggest continuing to visit her as often as possible, and make the time that you are there an enjoyable time for both of you. You are doing a great job, kaf1954!
Scottdenny We come onto this wonderful Age / Action
Site to help and encourage and Our Fellow Carer's
I think that the biggest problem for your mom and for you is the difficulty to accept the paralysis. Indeed, it IS a tragedy.
Uour mom wants to go home, that is to WHO SHE WAS when she was there. But it is not there any more. That "home" is gone.
Just try to make her life lighter, be there for her. This "there" is at her new place. Dont let her down "there".
Accept your limits as not being able to be the perfect nurse 100% of your time. Ot is not you. You would try that you would fail.
Go see her, give her some of your time, your love, your understanding, sharg your joy:
THIS is a wonderful gift for her and for you.
You did take care of her for seven years--please remember that--that is a long time. Way beyond what most adult children will do.
If I were in your place, I would consider other posters' suggestions to seek out a therapist or support group. You might find other facing a similar situation or at least people who recognize the difficult situation that you are facing. Good luck.
You can be a Daughter first and an advocate for her. So you really are still caring for her it is not just the day to day stuff. If you do not have a place that is set up and you do not have the equipment then that makes it even more difficult. Not only could you get hurt trying to transfer her you could hurt her. And trust me even with equipment things happen.
And I read something that made a lot of sense to me.
Then someone says.."I want to go home" ..that often does not mean they want to go HOME it means they want to go back to a time when they felt safe and well. Often that is a childhood home or maybe when they were first married but it may not mean they want to go to the home were they most recently lived.
Another thought...your Mother probably would be the first to tell you that she would not want you to give up your life caring for her, that she would want you to care for your family first. I have often said it would have killed my husband to know what he put me through the last 4 years of his life. He would not have wanted that for me or for himself. I am sure your Mother would feel the same.
GOD BLESS YOU! your reply to Kaf1954 was wonderful. I have always tried to treat people with kindness and show appreciation in my life. I do have to ignore people who mean well, perhaps, and they are entitled to their own opinion. Perhaps those people are terribly unhappy and instead of showing compassion and appreciation they become angry and critical.
I don't try to change their opinion
I think I learned that when I was a young child in elementary school. The other little girls in my neighborhood and I had a squabble one day and they ran away and wouldn't play with me. My mother was angry at them and that didn't help me feel any better. I went to the back door of my young girlfriend's home. She was not home but her mother was preparing dinner in the kitchen. I told her about our squabble and she could see I was really hurt. Her suggestion to me was to comfort me and also to bring them a treat. I learned what a peace offering was from that experience. I went home and made bread and jelly sandwich and took them to my friends. I had learned how to be kind to other people when the inevitable bad times pop up. My mother never learned that. She was always jealous of all my girlfriends as life went on and her actions made me feel worse. My girlfriends mother taught me how not to behave that way.
rosepetal
2. Remind yourself that her care needs are above what you can reasonably do.
3. No one likes being in a nursing home and they about all say that they want to go home.
4. Bringing her home once a month may actually be making things worse instead of better for both of you.
5. See your doctor and ask for an anti-depressant.
6. See a therapist about this irrational guilt for you have not done anything wrong.
7. Try to stop beating yourself up over things that are beyond your control.
8. Also, it sounds like you may be having anticipatory grief in anticipation of your mother dying one day. That's normal.