Feel Sorry for Mother But...Can anyone relate?

Great. So her main support system is moving away, with no more responsibility for helping his mother, and she doesn't give a flying fig about making ANY decisions for herself. That leaves YOU holding the entire bag and being 'wrong' no matter WHAT you say or do! Welcome to the club of having very difficult, control-freak mother's who want things done THEIR way or the highway. They want to lay their burdens on US and then blame US when things don't go perfectly! I know all about it b/c I have one of those mothers, except she'll be 94 in January.

If you don't move your mother into Assisted Living NOW, she is going to fall b/c she is already unsteady on her feet and probably way too stubborn to use a walker or even a cane. Right? So she falls, breaks a hip, a femur, something.........goes to the hospital and then to rehab, where they refuse to release her back to independent living.

That's when the poop hits the fan. B/c then, YOU have to scramble like a madwoman to sell her home to finance her stay in Assisted Living, which should have happened BEFORE the crisis took place. But, with stubborn old parents, the crisis has to happen FIRST. It did with my parents. That's how I can tell you this scenario, it happened to ME.

Your mother needs a decision made FOR her, like my mother does. Otherwise, they beat around the bush and deny everything, or they don't want to talk about reality, and leave everything for another day. Meaning it becomes OUR PROBLEM.

Assisted Living places ARE accepting new residents now. Especially considering the vaccine is coming out very soon and will be given out to everyone, opening the entire industry back up. NOW is the time to find her a place, gather brochures, etc. Get her house on the market, whatever is required. Otherwise, you will both likely face the scenario I mentioned above, like many, many of us here on Aging Care have faced ourselves. It's not fun.

So, unless you're like me and want to run away to Europe somewhere w/o leaving a forwarding address, think about how to formulate Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. Because you're not going to move to Europe, and neither am I, so YOU will be left holding the bag here, as I am, since I have no siblings to even help me. I'm it. My dad died after I placed them both in AL in 2014, and my mother has been there ever since, fighting me tooth and nail, arguing every single word I say to her. She's in Memory Care now with moderate dementia which only makes the arguing that much worse.

But I know she's safe. And she's not living in MY house, and that's what matters.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed moving forward with all you have on your plate. It's a lot, I know. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace. Oh, and a prayer that your mother is SOMEWHAT reasonable throughout. A long shot, I know.

My story is a little different. My Mom had the sudden onset of psychosis/dementia at a rather early age and completely out of the blue after her last living sibling passed from a heart attack just before New Years. By March my Mom (who lives 300 miles away from me) was sending me insane emails. Mid April I got the call that she had been placed on the geriatric/psych ward at our local hospital back home. She got out after a month then ran me off, my brother came in and things basically went to hell. Mom ended up back in the hospital again and I had to go through court to get guardianship of her so that I could deal with her things. The hospital would not release her until I had lined up a place for her because she could NOT go home and live alone anymore. I found notes where she had written "check on AL in the area" and "make a will," things like that. She never did. It was a living hell, one I wish on no one. Just recently I shared this little list with my friends on Facebook and wanted to share it here. I wish you all the best as you continue on this journey.
A majority of retirees — 53% — have a last will and testament. But most lack six other crucial legal documents.
32% have a power of attorney or medical proxy, which allows designated people to make medical decisions on the retiree’s behalf.
30% have an advance directive or living will, which communicates their end-of-life medical preferences to health care providers.
28% have designated a power of attorney to make financial decisions on their behalf.
19% have written funeral and burial arrangements.
18% have filled out a Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) waiver, which allows designated people to speak to health care and insurance providers on the retiree’s behalf.
11% have a trust.
The study highlights a gap that retirees need to fill if they want to be properly prepared for the end of their lives.

I haven't read every single post, so I hope i am not repeating too much. It sounds to me that your mother has the ability - I find it a good one - to be a realist about things, accept them and move on. She doesn't see the point in putting energy or time into discussing sad things that are over and done with. Also, she is of the generation where "feelings" were simply not discussed. She knows her old friends are going to die; it isn't a shock to her as it would have been when she was younger. She had kind of pre-accepted the pain that she knew was coming from losing those people. Be glad that she isn't a grieving, moaning depressed person. She will have to face moving, but to me she sounds like a very strong and impressive woman.

Where's your brother in this discussion? Rather than ask her about what she wants, perhaps it's just time to explain what needs to happen and the timeframe in which it has to be done. Then be prepared to make it happen, because honestly, at 90 years old, big decisions are overwhelming to a person as is doing something as huge as clearing out a house to move.

My parents never made any funeral plans, and their house is full of 50 years' worth of stuff. My dad decided he needed to start clearing out the house, and was getting rid of one item at a time. At that pace, the house would have been cleared out in 2064. I finally told him not to worry about it, and I'd handle things when the time came. It took a huge load off his mind, and as it happened, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year later, and I was able to just take over the decisions. The only one he made was vetoing one particular cemetery because his father -- a horrible person who abandoned his family -- is buried there.

I think your mom is telling you in not so many words that she'd like someone else to take over the decision-making. She may like to have some input, but you're asking her to make huge life-changing decisions at her age, and some people just can't do it.

Sometimes you can say, "Mom, we're going to need to sell the house and move you to XYZ Assisted Living." She may then have an opinion -- "I want to go to ABC Assisted Living instead because my friend lives there." Don't bring up these heavy topics with such wide open options, and you may have better luck with her.

At 90 years old, your mom deserves the right to talk about what she wants to talk about and it's not the depressive things you want to talk about. Her death, her friends death, brother moving away, ect ect. No wonder she doesn't call you, I'm sure she thinks you don't Iike talking to her.

When you call her, which should be a Well Check call every day, just have a nice 5 min chat ask her how she feels, if she needs anything from the grocery store, has she watched a good show lately and tell her something about yourself and what you might be doing that day.

Be sure to keep it casual.

You should be happy that your mom doesn't care regarding her funeral and let you handle it whichever way you want. Cremation is what have chosen fir my Dad because it hurts less when you don't have to see them in a casket. The Loved One dies, you call and the body is picked up and within a month, you'll receive the ashes to keep, bury or cast over land or water, whatever you want.

As far as your mom saying que sada

1st of all at 90 yes old, your mom deserves to talk or not talk about whatever she pleases.

It's a good thing to take everything with a grain of salt.

It's fine that she doesn't want to talk about her friends dying and it's great that she doesn't care about her end of life remains. She knows,, When you're gone your gone and you won't know anything anyway as your dead.
Thus que said whatever will be will be attitude which I think is Awesome.

You on the other hand seem to want to talk about dreary things like her friends dying, what she wants done when she dies, what's she going to do when your brother as her handi man moves. Ect

You are the one that wants to talk about it, she doesn't so talk to your brother about it.

For now, let her live her life in her own home as long as she can as she'll be just as safe, probably safer in her own home and
I know she'll be much happier in her own home.

Senior places may look nice and the people tell you what you want to hear but they are not a good place.
Seniors are bored, sad, feel unloved, scared , depressed and usually lose their will to live.

Senforcement homes are always understaffed.

The only Senio Places that are OK is if you have your mental faculties and if you live in an apartment where you are able to do what you want.

If your mom is capable of living in an Senior Apartment then she's capable of living in her own home, if thst's what she wants to do.

She can fall just as easily at a Senior Apartment as her home.

So, your brother won't be moving for another 6 months so you'll have plenty of time to think .

Onot thing right now you should adk your mom is if she would prefer to live in her own home or a Senior Apartment, then proceed accordingly.

You should have your brother install cameras in mom's home as a safety measure and put handrails by the toilet and tub/shower.

I chose Nest Cameras for my Dad's house as they are easy enough to install and work great and it's a relief to me that I can check in on him anytime 24 7 to make sure how he is doing.

When your brother leaves, you'll only need to hire someone to do things that are an emergency.

Your mom can use smaller trash bags and put them out fir trash by using her Walker as that's what my Dad did.

Your mom can have her groceries delivered.

I use Walmart fir my Dad and it only cost $99 a year and I can order as many times a week as I want as long as my Oder is at least $35 and it's charged to a credit card and you never get in contact with the delivery person as they just leave it on your front porch.

My Dad used his walker that has a seat on it to carry things around.

He would fix himself an easy microwaveable meal and put the plate on his seat of his walker and steadily walk away to the kitchen table.

You can always have a Caregiver drop by a couple hours once a day or once a week.

When she's too old to drive, she can take an umber.

She


You on the other hand

I do my best to treat my mom as I would like to be treated in her place. But I think this is in part where we are getting off base -- I'm a realist and like to have plans in place as much as possible but she seems to be, as many of you have said, in denial. I go along with all this until it starts to negatively affect me and my family (I can only take so much negative venting, for example) -- then I pull back to center myself.

It sounds like many of you can relate to this.

Thank you for the input. It's useful to hear others' thoughts and perspectives. As you know, sometimes when we are close to a situation we can't see all the possible nuances of it, so your comments are giving me food for thought!

Just to clarify a couple of things:
My mother has said ever since I can remember that she WANTED to move into an assisted living place as opposed to living with my brother or myself. Both my grandmothers lived with my parents at the end of their lives so I think Mom knows how difficult it can be. I remember the stress, too. I am thankful that she feels strongly about this as it's best for all of us.

Second, my brother has been saying for years that he would move to be closer to his child and grandkids when his wife retired, and that's finally happened this year. I don't feel he's abandoning my mother, quite the contrary, he's been pretty responsive to her, particularly since my father died a couple of years ago. He's answered her calls for help to fix all kinds of things around the house (it's 55 years old and will need more and more maintenance) and helped her find a gardener she likes after going through others that she complained about. Honestly, I think my brother's a saint for what he's done, particularly since my dad died. SIL is currently doing all the grocery shopping so both of them have been quite helpful to her and I thank them every chance I get.

I've respected her wishes not to talk about her feelings, which she has never freely expressed over the years (my brother and I agree on this). I only commented to her that it must be tough to lose your long time friends and she said I don't want to talk about it; we haven't. Personally I don't think it's healthy not to talk about these things to some extent, but that's me. She sees her doctor regularly and he says she is pretty healthy, except for severe arthritis that's affected her walking. She has pain, but brushes it aside. Still, she's been getting injections for it -- helps somewhat -- but otherwise will only take OTC medication.

I think the biggest issue for me is one of safety. As I've mentioned, because of the mobility issues, I worry that she's an accident waiting to happen. Two issues come to mind: if something happens, we want to be sure she gets the care she needs as soon as possible. She seems to think that having her phone with her is sufficient, but I'm not so sure...what if she's incapable of making a call or the phone falls out of reach? And if she ends up in the hospital, I understand she may not have a say in where she goes after that and, to me at least, all this is somewhat preventable by making a pro-active decision to move before something happens.

We've talked about alternatives so she could stay at home -- a "Life Alert" service, a roommate, hiring someone to come to the house, but these she's refused the first two and doesn't think she needs the latter (other than a housekeeper that comes once per month). I think she's just hoping to delay it all as long as possible, but then we get into the circular thinking of the above.

I realize Independent/Assisted Living places are not necessarily the wonderful places they advertise. On the other hand, she would at least be physically checked on more regularly than now, would not be impeded from doing what she does (watch TV, make a few meals, go to the doctor/pharmacy). She doesn't go outside at all now if she doesn't have to. She can have her cat with her. And maybe when the danger of COVID-19 eventually lifts she can find a bridge game again!

I don't think it's unkind to be prodding her to move now while she's not absolutely needing it. I've read your stories of your experiences and heard plenty of others. I don't have a problem with "what will be will be" except to the extent that if it leads to a miserable problem(s) that could have been avoided.

It might be good to focus on what you can do yourself, and if possible find two simple options for mother to consider. The paperwork comes first – get it all set up, check with her that the details are OK, then get her to sign (with witnesses as required). Don’t expect her to organise it.

Next comes a discussion with brother about options you both think will work – or options one of you objects to. If possible, you need to avoid later disagreements with brother when you can’t talk face to face and he has lots of issues of his own to cope with. If you can, start the conversation yourself with what you think are reasonable ways to go. Allow time for thought and follow-up.

Then give mother the two best options, and ask what she would prefer. If she won’t choose, ask if she has other suggestions, otherwise you’ll talk again in a week’s time and she can choose then.

When you have one (or even two) options on the table, make a list of what can be done in advance. If an option involves downsizing, mother can choose what to give away to whom, what would fit into a smaller space, and what she doesn’t care much about (so it can be sold). These are ‘if’ decisions, she doesn’t have to clear everything out now. You might like to make a record with her of the history of special ‘keepers’ or ‘gifts’.

If downsizing will involve selling a house, start checking out real estate agents – their suggestions (do it up, or sell as is), when to sell (Covid, seasonal), their reputations (ask around), their commission rates - ‘free advertising’ but a higher commission rate can be a very bad bargain), auction or listing (or do they already have a list of people looking if it’s a highly desirable area), likely sale price (and be suspicious of the highest estimate, designed to suck you in).

All these things have advantages – they can save a lot of time in an eventual emergency, they start all of you actually looking at the reality of what is going to happen, they break the huge decisions into small bits that are easier to approach, and your mother might find it all quite interesting so long as she doesn't have to take the responsibility.

Start small, allow time, and find interesting ways to approach things. Good luck!

Don't know if this suggestion will help, it's what helped get MIL to move out of her home and with husband and me. Little back story 91 yo MIL had major heart attack, chf /afib beginnings of vascular dementia, needed care, meals meds ect. Lived in the home she was born in so it was like needing a crowbar to get her out of there. We sat down with her and told her that her house could no longer take care of her. Showed her what the cost would be to upgrade, repair, replace needed items. Sometimes they think things cost much less than what they do, ie a new furnace should only be around $500. If repairs are needed brother will not be able to do them in the future, he's moving, you live too far away to come running if something major breaks down that needs immediate attention (if she'll even tell you when it happens). Upkeep is too much for her to do by herself and wouldn't it be nice to go somewhere that she wouldn't need to worry about all of that work. Ask her if she would rather stay in her town or move closer to you so you can come visit her more often and get her out and about (once restrictions are lifted). Sell the house, listen to the realtor as far as minor repairs and updates to help it sell quicker, fresh neutral paint, deep cleaning on all floors, windows washed. Had to sell MIL home as is, but we removed all the carpets revealing hardwood floors that needed refinishing, did wonders for any old odors trapped in the home. Cleared everything out of the basement, scrubbed concrete floors to freshen it up. Not easy, but a labor of love. Home did sell as is, and people who bought it let her come see it when they were finished.
Could it be that not only is she depressed but also scared of a future without brother being near to help out? Good luck, it's not easy.