I feel sorry for my mom -- she's 90 -- but I'm having a hard time talking with her about anything other than really superficial things. I've tried to talk with her about serious issues (end of life choices: "you decide, I don't care") or upcoming situations (my brother, who's her main "handyman/helper" plans on moving away in the next 6 months: "what happens, happens"). My family and I live about 6 hours away.
My father died a few years ago and my mother had decided on an independent/assisted living place but doesn't have enough money for it without selling her home. Obviously now is not a good time to be moving into a place like that and she seems to be okay staying in her home, despite having mobility issues.
She's living alone with an occasional (no more than monthly) visit by a housecleaner and gardener. My brother lives nearby and helps her with odds and ends/taking out the trash, etc., as needed -- about once a week, but as I said he is actively planning to sell his home and move out of state within the year.
She drives, occasionally, to the doctor, pharmacy, but has stopped going to the store. My sister-in-law largely shops for now or Mom pays the housecleaner to buy things. She's mentally alert but her mobility issues have gotten worse over the past couple of years to the point that Mom spends most of her time sitting. When I last saw her she seemed very unsteady on her feet with a cane (uses a walker at night to get to the bathroom) so it feels to me like she's an accident waiting to happen.
I feel sorry for her being by herself, especially since a couple of friends died recently. But trying to talk with her about feelings related to the deaths (I don't want to talk about them -- they're personal) or about making informed decisions about things (her response is along the lines of "que sera, sera (what will be, will be" ), we get nowhere. I did get angry early on when she said things like the latter, but lately I ignore the statements, even though they feel like they are an attempt to irritate me on purpose. I find I can't talk with her as often because either I DO start to get irritated if I try to broach serious things and she gives me a flip response, or it devolves into talk about the weather, and I can only do that for a short time!
I'm not sure there's a question here -- maybe just a sharing of frustrations and fears. I do know I don't call her as often as I think I'd like to be called if I were in her position, but I feel like I have to balance my own feelings of guilt and frustration. Sometimes I wonder if she even cares to talk with me -- she never call me and rarely asks me about my life.
Thanks for listening.
The good news is this week she had a shot from a pain doctor that has made her leg feel somewhat better. She said she felt good enough to go to the pharmacy and walk around inside.
I'm glad she's feeling better -- and told her so. I just wish our phone calls didn't end up being a good part of her venting/negativity. I can only take so much of it. In the past when I've told her this she says her friends all say they are amazed at how positive she is. ????!!??
Obviously the bottom line is mom's going to do what she wants when she wants. I think I need to do my best not to worry about what-ifs related to her. This is not the way I would approach things, but that's me and she's who she is. I'll still talk with my brother about what he thinks, especially since he's closer and sees her more often, and I can also research places here in my town, but I think we're not there yet in terms of getting my mom to move.
Thoughts?
Your brother has gone above and beyond. Someone suggesting that he is leaving her high and dry is insane. And don't even get me started on the 'sacrifice' post.
Someone had suggested that I move mom closer to me since my brother plans to move away (he'll be at least as far away as I am). When I was talking with mom on the phone the other day I thought about suggesting it but I noticed I hesitated. I finally realized this morning why. Years ago my inlaws lived in a care facility within a mile from where I worked. When they moved in they were in the independent care portion, but my MIL had Alzheimers and before long she had a fall and ended up in Skilled Nursing. I visited from time to time on my own since it was close to my work. Then my FIL died. And after that I got divorced but continued to visit my MIL because I was now living and working very close by. It was also because I felt guilty. My ex-husband rarely visited his mother, feeling like she "wasn't my mom anymore." SIL lived an hour and 1/2 away and she and my ex pretty much only came by for the official care meetings. As my MIL continued to deteriorate, I found it harder and harder to visit -- although she was always happy to see me ("hi honey!" though she didn't know who I was) -- but the guilt would get to be too much and I'd go at least for a while. She held on for a couple of years after my FIL died, eventually passing from breast cancer. I think she let go when her two children were told she was nearing the end and they finally spent some quality time with her.
So back to my mom. When I take the above experience into consideration I suspect guilt would largely be a guide as to when I would visit mom at a local facility and, especially, in bringing her back to my house. She's not easy to be around. I suspect I'd start feeling stressed out if I thought I should be doing more and couldn't. I think about what happened with my MIL -- I was certainly very stressed at times and had to force myself to visit her! So that makes me pause.
I think at this point I'm back to trying to encourage mom to move into her place of choice in her town (it's Brookdale -- and reading some of the posts here I'm a little worried about the cost! She'll have enough for a few years when she sells her house.) sooner rather than later. But having a Plan B in mind if we get an emergency situation. Will talk with brother and SIL about this early next year.
I appreciate the helpful comments!
In the meantime, he may be moving before she does to oversee the details, leaving mom with less nearby support. I've told both to let me know if I can help (she will need to sell her house and there's still a lot to do there) but to be honest I'll be surprised if mom or brother calls -- it's just not what they do. I've tried to be proactive in the past (as I've detailed) but the overtures have always been turned down so I'm staying out of it for now. I do feel that if the move comes to fruition (only some doubt because of all that needs to be done to make it happen and all the possibilities of what "could" happen instead given my mother's physical state) it will be best for my mother and workable for my brother and sister-in-law.
I appreciate their willingness to do what I could never do. It works for them, I think, because my brother is much like my dad was -- and mom can relate to that. Mom and I have been like oil and water for so many years now that I could never have considered having her in my home. I'd be divorced and/or a runaway! While I continue to feel some guilt for not being able to help as much as I think I could as a daughter, I just keep reminding myself that as long as my mother continues to be lucid, she can chose to do as she likes. And that's A-ok.
Thanks for listening and any feedback or observations are welcome!