How many of you feel used by your parents, because you are seen as the easiest and most convenient for them to use?

She reels you back in because she can. The others are not so easily manipulated. The counselor told us to step back, not rush over at every call, keep to a once a week scheduled visit: "Mom I'll see you on Tuesday". Arrange for caregivers and if she throws them out, let her deal with the deprivation she has chosen. It's like leaving small children with a babysitter. Oh they weep and carry on as you head for the door. Once you have driven away for a night out, they realize the tantrum did not work and they ask the sitter for a cookie.

It's a supply and demand thing. If you stop supplying your mom with the attention she craves her demand for it will eventually decrease. Continue to set boundaries. If you distance yourself from her over and over and over and then give in out of sheer exhaustion your mom will learn that all she has to do is continue with her demands and eventually you'll give in. You may not be so much the chosen one as you are the caregiver by default since your siblings don't participate in her care or her nonsense.

You may not be so much the chosen one as you are the one who is easier to manipulate.

You are enabling her by allowing yourself to be reeled back in and as long s you allow her to do it it will only get worse. My father was an enabler. If my mother didn't get her own way she'd sulk, pout, get pissy and not speak to him for days/weeks until he gave in. I could tell you so many horror stories and those are only the ones I know about..

He died of heart failure 15 years ago. His father had a heart problem but that was due to being gassed at Vimy Ridge in WWI and there is no other instance of heart disease in the family. I feel that, after 50+ years of such horrible treatment my father's poor heart just gave out. He was the dearest sweetest man.

I hear you Debralee, unfortunately my mom has so many debilitating conditions that if I don't care for her she could die. My siblings have NEVER thought of me as a true sister but rather a sister of convenience. We really don't have any communication but whatever is forced because of mom.

It does get very exhausting and makes me angry. Really don't know if the day will ever come when I can forgive them for leaving me alone with this. Of course, mom hasn't helped because I obviously have made it easy for her to attach to me. All this just because I have compassion, empathy and a freaking caring heart!

I'm just beginning this journey as an only child, so no one to even lean on other than my husband and incedible friends. I am learning that boundaries with mom are the only way to keep my life. Caregivers are the best! I have one on weekdays and am looking for a second. Mom said she didn't need one because she had me. I'm so grateful that I stayed strong. She LOVES her caregiver and actually has something to share when I come home from work. Win, win.

My Mother will be 90 years old in August, and yes, people do tell me - all the time - that I am so lucky to have her. I am happy that she is still with us, I love her very much. HOWEVER, I never have any Peace of Mind, I worry about her 24 hours a day, and the stress is going to kill me. There are so many problems involved. My Mother lives alone in her 3 family house, and refuses to let any outside agency help her. She is blind in one eye, and has several Eye Specialists who are trying to save her remaining eyesight. They recommended the Association for the Blind to help her with Visual Aids. She said no, has refused all help. She has already had a few falls, lucky, just minor injuries. So, it's not a matter of IF she will fall again, it is When, and the next time could be very bad. Also, I Live 30 miles and 1 Hour away from her. She lives in Chelsea, next to Boston, & I live in a Suburb south west of her. To get to her house, we have to contend with the traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike, the tunnels and the Tobin Bridge. It has become a nightmare to drive to her house. We moved away to the suburbs 40 years ago. My husband and I, and our 3 kids, always drove to Chelsea for the Holidays, or to my Aunt's house in Wilmington, MA. - also a long drive for us. I have one younger brother, who is married, he also lives in Chelsea, 1/2 mile from my Mother's house, about 5 minutes away. He has a good job, and is not available during the week, to help or check on our Mother. For the last 40 years, he has not wanted to drive to our house, and bring my Mother to visit us. In July of 2005, almost 9 years ago, I was self-employed, so I was able to take some temporary time off from work to stay with my Mother and Dad, for 3 weeks. BIG MISTAKE !! The few weeks turned into 9 years of helping them, but also, when my Daughter realized that I was not working, she assumed that I would babysit the Grandchildren, and so I found myself providing free Childcare for many years. So that summer of 2005, my Mother had an eye operation and needed eye drops every few hours. I loved having that time with them, and spent precious time with my Dad. He had Congestive Heart Failure, and other problems, but he could do things for himself. The problem was that he would do nothing all day, and my Mother waited on him, hand & foot, making 3 meals a day. In 2006, my Mother needed another eye operation, and I felt that it was my duty to stay with her again, to help with meds, etc. But this time, my Father had been hoarding, and would drop crumbs from his food all over the house. The result was that they were infested with mice. I was horrified by the thought of sleeping at their house, so I told my Mother that we should have a cleaning company come in, to clean the house. She got very mad and would not speak to me for 2 months. She said she would not get the operation, but I found out from my Aunt, that she did have it, and was doing just fine without me. This made me realize that I made a huge mistake, leaving my job. Plus, I was not contributing to Social Security all those years, resulting in less retirement funds. So, recently, my Cousin lost her job, her Mother had died, and she was very lonely. She also lives in Chelsea, and volunteered to take my Mother shopping, to Doctor visits, etc. The only problem is, she asked my Mom for financial help, she could not pay her rent and bills. My Mother ended up going into her savings, and gave this cousin $20,000.00 which she spent in just 6 months. She kept asking for more money. I was shocked about this, because my Mother is brilliant, has no dementia, and is careful with money. This cousin swore that she didn't ask for money, she said my Mother offered to help her. I get that, but I can't understand why my Mother would hand over so much. Another problem, my Mother plays mind games with my brother. She won't ask him for help, he told me that he does call to take her shopping, and she says no. This goes on, all the time. I am going crazy. I am going to go back to Counseling, to see what I need to do about this situation. Thanks.

Sure it makes sense, Supply and Demand, like the economist said. Think of it as Keynesian Geriatrics.

Debralee, I can tell you that before finding this website and so much support, I was dealing with the exact scenario you have spoken of with your mom. Do not enable her!!! She will continue to manipulate you and NEVER appreciate what you do for her. Get a caregiver to come in several hours a day to interact with your mom or get her out of the house. It's the staying in that makes them crazy. And be firm with her or you will find that your health is beginning to decline. Then what would she do? Live your own life or you will have none.

This sounds familiar. I was told that I should not get on a ladder because, 'if something happened to you, what would become of us?'
I am not an only child. I have to look after everything and I'm the one who gets complained to. The sibling gets treated like they are made of gold. Never a harsh word. When I had to have surgery, the main thing they were concerned about was how to get into my funeral policy.
You can imagine how secure I feel being wheeled into the operating room!
In my family the females are treated like crap and the boys like little princes. So that's how I explain it in my own family. Get your mom out of the house and interacting with others - that's what I looking into doing this week

I have been the sole caregiver for my both inlaws the past and now my own mother. This time it is different. I am taking it my personal and trying to set my boundaries. Only setting certain days for doctor appt. and arrends. I just lost my dad with a sudden heart attack and mom is not doing well so looking forward to a bumpy ride.