Hi Everyone
I have been my moms caregiver since 34 years old, I am 36 years old now and my mum (a retired nurse) is 70. I love that the Lord has given me the calling to look after mum, but as a single 36 year old with no kids, I'm starting to panic about my future.
I find that I have lost all my friends as I have not time to socialise with a full time job and being mums caregiver at home, I also don't have energy to meet with people and build a strong social network of friends for myself. My married sister lives close to us but I find it so hard to open up as when I do try to tell her or the very few people in my live about how isolated, tired, lonely and scared I feel, they quickly change the topic and don't allow me the space to vent or share my feelings. If they do give me the space to do so, I often feel judged for giving up my life to look after mum in her old age.
As much as it is rewarding, I never knew this journey would be a lonely & difficult road. I find that I have lost myself in my duty as caregiver, companion, cleaner, cook, errand runner, driver and medical decision maker for mum.
Losing myself and focusing on moms needs makes me anxious lately and afraid for my future as one day, I might find myself in the reality of being left alone in this world when the Lord calls her to her final resting place.
I'm not sure if by then anyone would want to date me or if I would still be able to have kids (I absolutely love children) and if I'd be able to revive my stagnant career (with an MBA I have had so many opportunities but I have had to decline in order to look after mum as the current job I have I can do with my eyes closed). I wonder if I will be able to make new friends or revive old friendships. I wonder who will take care of me when Im old seeing that I have isolated myself. I wonder if I will have time to fix my finances as I spend so much for moms medical and nutrition needs that I no longer save. I wonder if I will have the strength to pick myself up, deal with the burnout, the grief and move on with life.
So many questions that I never asked myself when mum needed me to take care of her, I just jumped in without a plan for myself or my future.
I was wondering if anyone else has the same kind of fears as me and if so, how do you deal with it? please don't recommend therapy as I don't have time to be able to open myself up emotionally and put myself back together. I am barely coping as it is.
Thank you for reading, I am so sorry if I come across as a negative person, I never used to be but this journey is starting to change me.
What makes some different is what they do with the fear.
Yes one of the sad facts of caregiving is we loose "friends" BUT we can gain them as well.
Not to put a damper on what you or anyone else is going through but...would you really WANT to go to a bar and meet people, go to a concert, or do any of the things that we all took for granted just a few short 12 months ago given what is going on right now?
SO..use what is happening to your advantage. Can you find work on line? Can you mentor on line? Are there Support Groups that you can find on line?...oops you found one!
Now to toss in another thought. Can your mom afford to have a caregiver come in and help out? Not only will this help you but depending on your mom it might give her a break as well. (some with dementia have a difficult time with someone new, others not a problem)
As for your future. (let me dust off my crystal ball, it has not been working real well lately) Use this experience to help you direct where you take your MBA is there a way to integrate it with elder care, caregiving either in a setting of a Facility or possibly opening your own agency supplying caregivers to people like yourself.
As for having children we are in the age where you do not have to have a partner to have a child of your own, you do not have to have your own child I will say having a partner can make things easier. But you never know what the future holds (I did tell you that my crystal ball was a bit fuzzy)
By the way, your mom may be eligible for Hospice services and that would give you some added help with supplies as well as equipment when you need it.
((hugs)) to both of you
I too am interested in how your mom comes to need a full time caregiver at such a young age.
The other thing that struck me was the heading; your question asks "IF" mom passes away.
The natural order of things seems to be that we outlive our parents. This is an eventuality that bears thinking about and planning for. It is SO easy to just slide into caregiving because you happen to be on the spot. I urge you in the coming days and weeks to get some professional input into what your mother's needs are, what her resources are and how much of your future you are willing to postpone/sacrifice in the service of those needs.
We have far too many posters here who wait too long to ask these hard questions. They sometimes end up unemployed and without housing or other resources.
You are NOT being selfish. You are being planful. Keep in touch and let us know your progress.
Might I ask the reason your Mom, at 68, two years ago, needed caregiving 24/7? She is quite young. She likely has easily two decades of life left unless she has some specific illness you aren't mentioning. That would put you at close to 60, and yes, the time then to have your own family is most certainly gone.
I think that two years is just about the time you needed to understand fully what you are giving up. If your Mother doesn't suffer from dementia of some kind then I believe that she also knows this. You do not feel safe in leaving her for enough hours in a day to have some sort of life, so I can only guess that her needs are very high.
I hope you can answer the above. If you continue on you are very correct that you are sacrificing a life of your own. You took this care on at age 34, so I am thinking you were old enough to have some inkling of what sacrifice you were making at that time? What was your thinking in taking on 24/7 care at that time for a woman your Mom's age?
Ultimately only you can decide what life you want to live, what you are willing to give up. For someone who has little needs of friends and doesn't want a family, this might be an option. For others/ I would say for MOST this is not an option, and in no way if fair to the person who sacrifices his or her own life for their elder. You are asking yourself EXACTLY the right questions now. Only you can decide the answer.
I guess she wouldn't expect me to do all that Im doing, its just that she was (in my view) the best mom & nurse and did so much for her community that I wouldn't be ok if I wasn't there for her when she needs me most. My older siblings have a different view and have gone on with their lives. I don't blame them at all because we all have free will. If anything I think I envy them because they make sensible decisions for their personal needs.
Call Office of Aging to see if they supply aids.
I have been able to keep in touch with friends thru FB. My class, b/f COVID, met for lunch once a month. Can u afford a sitter?
It would at lease give me one or 2 days a week for my own personal needs and rest
Also, I recommend starting small when leaving the house. Sometimes it is overwhelming for me to leave for large blocks of time or multiple times a week. I start to worry and my family has become so dependent on me they sometimes wait for me to do normal things they can do on their own. They won’t ask the helper. I have been slowly getting out more and more and for us it works that it is spread out a little here and a little there.
I also take breaks at home. I just go to my room and work quietly on my art or read or journal or talk on the phone. Sometimes I get 25 minutes sometimes I get a whole hour!
Connect with the most caring friend you have/had first. You’d be surprised, I’m sure they miss you and will understand if you can only connect once in a while randomly.
Take baby steps. Save your money. A little does go a long way and the time you spend on yourself is like a little wildflower seed that you water and tend when you can. Everything you do to care for your hopes and dreams will strengthen that little plant, and it will endure times of drought when your mother needs you more.
I think we caregivers are special people. More and more I realize I made a unique decision to care for my family. You did too and you are also worthy of having your dreams met as well.
Everything you wrote contains the answers you seek. For example, you worry about not having money and yet you stopped saving; therefore, start saving again. You worry if anyone would want to date you and yet you keep putting your mother's needs ahead of your own. How can you be part of a romantic relationship or even consider having children when you have lost yourself? Again, the self-help section of your local library has books on the subjects of both money management and self esteem.
You are 36 and it sounds like in 2 years of caregiving, you have burned yourself out. Clearly, things are not working and it's time to re-evaluate. Since you don't want therapy, I suggest you hire a geriatric care manager to help you with your mother. It sounds like you're religious, so reach out to your pastor or priest and seek spiritual guidance. Ultimately, nothing will change unless you want it to.
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