Hi Everyone
I have been my moms caregiver since 34 years old, I am 36 years old now and my mum (a retired nurse) is 70. I love that the Lord has given me the calling to look after mum, but as a single 36 year old with no kids, I'm starting to panic about my future.
I find that I have lost all my friends as I have not time to socialise with a full time job and being mums caregiver at home, I also don't have energy to meet with people and build a strong social network of friends for myself. My married sister lives close to us but I find it so hard to open up as when I do try to tell her or the very few people in my live about how isolated, tired, lonely and scared I feel, they quickly change the topic and don't allow me the space to vent or share my feelings. If they do give me the space to do so, I often feel judged for giving up my life to look after mum in her old age.
As much as it is rewarding, I never knew this journey would be a lonely & difficult road. I find that I have lost myself in my duty as caregiver, companion, cleaner, cook, errand runner, driver and medical decision maker for mum.
Losing myself and focusing on moms needs makes me anxious lately and afraid for my future as one day, I might find myself in the reality of being left alone in this world when the Lord calls her to her final resting place.
I'm not sure if by then anyone would want to date me or if I would still be able to have kids (I absolutely love children) and if I'd be able to revive my stagnant career (with an MBA I have had so many opportunities but I have had to decline in order to look after mum as the current job I have I can do with my eyes closed). I wonder if I will be able to make new friends or revive old friendships. I wonder who will take care of me when Im old seeing that I have isolated myself. I wonder if I will have time to fix my finances as I spend so much for moms medical and nutrition needs that I no longer save. I wonder if I will have the strength to pick myself up, deal with the burnout, the grief and move on with life.
So many questions that I never asked myself when mum needed me to take care of her, I just jumped in without a plan for myself or my future.
I was wondering if anyone else has the same kind of fears as me and if so, how do you deal with it? please don't recommend therapy as I don't have time to be able to open myself up emotionally and put myself back together. I am barely coping as it is.
Thank you for reading, I am so sorry if I come across as a negative person, I never used to be but this journey is starting to change me.
I think the first challenge is to face the loss, to validate yourself and what you've done, analyze and come to terms with the anxiety and regret of not being able to do everything you think was possible and could be done, in retrospect. Coming to terms with yourself, who you were, who you are after caregiving is over, and who you want to be is a real challenge.
There's nothing negative about the experience; if anything, it's probably more unsettling and confusing than negative. You have to work at embracing the positive, congratulate yourself for learning coping techniques, and consider how you can leverage that experience in your next career. And that's the way I think it can be viewed: positively, as something you've done that's valuable, insightful, and challenged coping skills, putting you in a different position to view the rest of your life.
What were your goals before caring for your mother? Have they changed for the period after, and if so, how? Is there any way you can work toward those goals now? If not, how will post-caregiving segue into the next phase of your life?
Caregiving is very hard at any age, but I think especially hard when someone is younger and hasn't experienced a lot of life yet. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do.
I was a caregiver for my husband for many years, until he just recently passed in Sept. I am 61, and though it was hard for me, I was married with children and grandchildren. You do lose a lot of friends along the way, as most(unless they're in a similar situation) don't understand what you're going through, and I wasn't able to work for the last several years while I looked after my husband, so I lost those connections as well. And so now I am in a position where I'm not really sure what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. It is kind of scary, as I feel I'm having to start over in a lot of things, but I'm a lot older than you and have done a lot with my life already. You need to make sure that you are taking care of you. Caregiver burnout is real and it sounds like you may be experiencing some of that already.
Have you discussed your feelings with your mom? She probably is already sensing that something isn't quite right, as moms have a way of knowing when things are amiss with their children. If possible, please get some outside help for your mom so you can start living and enjoying your life.
Might I ask the reason your Mom, at 68, two years ago, needed caregiving 24/7? She is quite young. She likely has easily two decades of life left unless she has some specific illness you aren't mentioning. That would put you at close to 60, and yes, the time then to have your own family is most certainly gone.
I think that two years is just about the time you needed to understand fully what you are giving up. If your Mother doesn't suffer from dementia of some kind then I believe that she also knows this. You do not feel safe in leaving her for enough hours in a day to have some sort of life, so I can only guess that her needs are very high.
I hope you can answer the above. If you continue on you are very correct that you are sacrificing a life of your own. You took this care on at age 34, so I am thinking you were old enough to have some inkling of what sacrifice you were making at that time? What was your thinking in taking on 24/7 care at that time for a woman your Mom's age?
Ultimately only you can decide what life you want to live, what you are willing to give up. For someone who has little needs of friends and doesn't want a family, this might be an option. For others/ I would say for MOST this is not an option, and in no way if fair to the person who sacrifices his or her own life for their elder. You are asking yourself EXACTLY the right questions now. Only you can decide the answer.
I guess she wouldn't expect me to do all that Im doing, its just that she was (in my view) the best mom & nurse and did so much for her community that I wouldn't be ok if I wasn't there for her when she needs me most. My older siblings have a different view and have gone on with their lives. I don't blame them at all because we all have free will. If anything I think I envy them because they make sensible decisions for their personal needs.