My 98 yr mother has dementia that has been moderate but is progressing. She is in AL and recently her mobility has really declined and she has to use wheelchair to go anywhere. I take care of her finances, shopping etc. I visit her 2-3 times a week for about 30 min which is all she really wants. She is appreciative of all that I do. But recently I’ve just not wanted to go see her. She says shes’s bored and wants to get out some but getting her out is kind of chore now. She still participates in some activities there at AL. I have a brother who lives a few hours away but doesn’t come often. I guess I’m feeling guilty about not wanting to go over to visit. Especially when I have other things I would like to do. I kno it doesn’t sound like it’s that big of deal but I’ve been caring for her for the last 7-8 yrs of which she lived with me for a couple of those years during part of that time. Any advice on how to cope with my burnout?
Give yourself permission to take a well-deserved break. Caring for an elder can be draining physically and emotionally. You have no reason to feel guilty for living your life and allowing the AL to keep your mother occupied and cared for. Reassure yourself that she is in good hands. Encourage your brother to make a visit while you are taking a break. Don't insist. He has to want to.
If you feel you should prepare your mother for your absence, let her know that you are exhausted and just need a break or that you need to limit your visits to once a week at best. Meanwhile, talk with her by phone to keep the connection.
Ask an activities director at the AL if there are any planned outings for residents who wish to join. They might take a van of seniors out for shopping or lunch or some activity. Suggest one if they don't.
Your self-care is important too.
Good luck and relax!
You need to book a cruise, or similar pampering type vacation.
Bon Voyage!
My situation was similar--mom was 96 this year- she'd get hazy in the later afternoon and the MC dinner started at 4 so I stopped trying to wrap up work in a rush to get over there on weekdays.
It helped me feel less guilty that she was at the point where every time I came back into her line of sight she thought it was a whole new visit, so her ability to know how often I was visiting wasn't there.
She had always told me 'If I need to be in a place, just find me a good one and don't hover-live your life'.
I bet your mom would too.
I'd just go on a Saturday or Sunday and bring her coffee and snacks, or a meal, and we'd sit for a while if she was up for it. If not I'd check her room for supplies & head home.
If I had to get things done around the house or I just couldn't face seeing the effects of the disease I'd skip a weekend. It would feel very liberating. Not because I didn't love my mom, but because I just needed a break from the being the little engine that could and having her on my mind constantly.
Cut back on visits! Try once per week and then twice per month. Nothing is really going to make her happy, and you are not responsible for trying to.
I am 60 and my mother is 81. I visit and help her 3X per week and have for the past 4 years. I sure hope and plan that this is not still the case if she lives to 98. And I’m absolutely determined that my son is not doing it for me.