My 80 year old father has been a major alcoholic all of my life. He has lived alone in a different state and has been hospitalized various times, many due to alcohol related troubles. For the last 8 month he was hospitalized 3 times and has congestive heart failure and Liver failure. Each time he was sent to the hospital because he was weak, confused, sick and had encepalothapy. For the past 10 years we have begged him to move to an assisted living or at least look into it (as well as stop drinking) and he completely refused. This time the doctor declared him incompitent and told me he could no longer live alone and needed memory care. I flew to TX, got him into a facility, took over his bills, finances, took away car, apartment...clearing it out and so on.
The guilty and confused part is that since he is eating properly, taking his meds properly and not drinking alcohol, he seems to be doing much better and am feeling guilty that this move and decisions I made were too much. I know in my heart if he went back to his house he would end right back in the hospital, he was only home a few weeks this last time before he was found unconscious in his car by a police officer (not due to alcohol). Did I do the right thing?
Left the way things were he surely would not be doing as well as he is now. (and may possibly be dead)
Please read what you wrote about how his life was previously. Think about all the things you did not write about.
Now ask yourself again...Did I do the right thing?
the obvious answer is Of course you did.
Words matter. It may seem a matter of semantics, the word GUILT versus the word GRIEF. You are a good daughter. Many, perhaps even me, would have left him to APS, guardianship of the State, and the state wouldn't even think twice. Yet you think about it a whole lot. What you are experiencing is not guilt. You are not a felon. You are a human being doing the best you can. What you feel is grief, grief that both of you are in this place, grief that you are not God, are not omnipotent, cannot wave a magic want. Just plain old grief. I am so sorry for that grief, as there is already plenty on your plate, but please don't mistake it for guilt.
Now you're guilty because he's doing better? It was the doctor, a trained, licensed professional who stated your father was incompitent. You then implemented positive changes for your father, who is doing much better. Would rather your father go back to being found unconscious in his car?
I'd think about the guilt and confusion and how it relates to your life story and having a major alcoholic as a father. If you haven't been to Alanon (or a Zoom meeting Alanon group) it might be something to think about.
I also agree about the grief aspect to this too, as Alva has pointed out below.