Hello
so my mom is still in rehab due to covid. its been a little over a week. she is doing little better but us as her children want to find more care for her she will need so we are looking into Assisted living and rest home. i prefer assisted living but we dont know if thats enough care for her BUT in the meantime i am feeling so sad on putting my mother into there. THEN i have my brother that told my sister in law and told my sister that my brother told her over my dead body my mother will go into nursing home I also am iffy to put her into nursing home i hear so many horrific stories and god forbid they ever do anything bad to my mother i will lose it!!!! I hear these stories and you know what it makes me cringe to put her in there . HAS ANYONE else felt this way with nursing homes? I could be wrong i am sure there are good ones out there :)\
THANK YOU
I believe "rest home" is an informal term and not an official legal designation of a level of care.
But if you family is comfortable with that terminology, please use it!.
Happy 16, I am only thinking that the brother who says "over his dead body" is ;planning on taking your Mom in and caregiving? Because if he is expecting others to do that or rather to place your Mom on her own and in danger, that doesn't seem an option, really, does it?
You ask if others feel guilty. We often hear that word, but the truth is that what most of us are feeling when we truly examine the feelings is more like grief. Grief that we have limitations that cannot allow us to wave some magic wand, grief that we are humans with limitations rather than gods, grief that our elders live so long that they lose pieces of themselves, their faculties, and that we witness their grief and despair.
Not everything in life has a perfect answer at any age, and certainly it doesn't in age. You are trying now to find the best option you can for a Mom that can no longer be safe on her own. There will be tears and despair for you ALL. This is worth grieving, so allow yourself that, but don't mistake yourselves for evil-doers or felons deserving of guilt, and don't fool yourself that evil doers ever FEEL guilt. They don't give these things a thought. Only the GOOD grieve these things.
You aren't alone. Hope you will stay on Forum and look around. Wishing you the best.
The fact of the matter is this: if your mom is immobile, as you say in your profile, and needs a ton of care, and has no funds to pay for it, then her choices are limited; she'd likely need to apply for Medicaid to fund her long term care in Skilled Nursing and not Assisted Living, as you said. But if one of your siblings wants to do the hands on care at home, that would work too, keeping in mind it's a full time job.
I was just talking to my husband today about the fact my 95 y/o mother has been in Assisted Living and now Memory Care since 2014. If it weren't for the fact that she's in AL, she'd have been dead long ago, we believe. Living with us, having us working full time, her care would have suffered b/c we wouldn't have been there to oversee it as the 24/7 teams have been in her AL. They've fed her on a schedule, administered her meds on a schedule, showered her, had the doctors in to see her, all of it, managed FOR her. Now, I've been doing the advocating for her this whole time, making sure everything was done to my satisfaction, and I had to move her from one AL to another after things weren't going along to my satisfaction. When she was in a nursing home for rehab, she received a wonderful level of care there and will be moved to that facility under Medicaid when her money runs out late this summer if she's still alive. I will be taking care of that move as well, as I've been doing since I moved my parents here in 2011. For what it's worth, I haven't suffered any 'guilt' at all for the wonderful care my folks have gotten in AL and for the fact that I feel my mother's life has been extended, thanks to it, like I said. Trying to get your mom the best care for her needs doesn't warrant you feel guilty for any reason. And don't forget, you can visit her as often as you'd like.
The key to everything is for you to find a good nursing home for your mother, if you choose to go that route. Yes, there are bad ones out there but there are good ones too. It's up to you to find one for her and to then be her advocate and go see her frequently to make sure she's well cared for. That's the truth of the matter for managed care in general.
You'll hear a LOT of horror stories about 'nursing homes' on this site especially; people love to come out of the woodwork to tell you them, too. Keep in mind that this is the internet and you have to take what you like & leave the rest. And, that your mother may NEED to go into a nursing home so you'll have to do your due diligence to find her a good one rather than giving yourself anxiety about other people's stories! Keep in mind you are not a 'bad daughter' either if you have to go that route.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.