I'm back and feeling very resentful towards my mum. Anyone else felt this way?

Thanks solegiver and I know what its like when they finally go into respite you need a few days to realise you dont have to worry about them. I am very stressed now and just want a break from her I feel bad when I shout at her but im only human. She can push you to your limits thankgod I have 2 good friends to run to! Its when I wake up in the morning and realise that here we go again theres mornings I just dont get up because I just dont want to see her? Its awful to feel like this but we may aswell be honest she drains me from the minute shes up until midnight. I ran away last night to my friends and slept until 4pm! then the long depressing walk home as to what mood she was in today shes quiet and looks like she didnt sleep last night? I am bringing her shopping tom as i feel guilty with her just sitting there all day everyday I have sent off forms for respite so hopefully she will be going there soon?
I want so much to care for her but thats becoming impossible and i need to think of me now.
So glad you are having a break and hope you have some fun! I got very drunk last night and feel like crap now but she drove me to it! You get so stressed you want to scream your head off!
The worst thing about this illness is that they have no idea how much we do for them she does nothing but get up eat and watch telly so sad to watch to be honest I thought she was perkier in the NH I mean sitting in a NH been waited on or here whats the difference?
Shes refusing to go back in to respite in may but im going to lie and tell her that im not here then she will have to go in?
Ive asked the angels to help us both with money! I win a few bits here and there when I ask i just need to ask for akot more.
My friends mum had als but she was very well off and had paid help my friend has no idea that doing this job and having no money is the pits some people are just so lucky to be financially secure and can pay for help when they want it. I dream of winning the lotto and getting mum a 24/7 nurse!
Anywhoo as you say things have to get better and soon! Still no phone call from my guy but its early days ill give up in about 2wks. Its january and everybody is depressed and no money after xmas so ill give him time!!!
I would just love to have SOMETHING to look forward to a date or even a night out with friends they always ask me out but they have money and I got fed up being treated by them its so humiliating!
Anywhoo off for my bath as mum is wrecking my head and watching some crap on telly! The bath is my escape.
Sending you positive vibes and lots of money to come your way!
Like me HANG IN THERE!!x

Oh kazza, I really hope you get the help you need. I know what it's like to not have the money you need. The property taxes on this house I'm in are 3 years past due this April. If they aren't paid, my dad and I will be homeless this year, as the house will go up for sale. It's the house I grew up in. I'm hoping my social security disability money will come through so I can pay it.
My dad just went into nursing home for a 5 day respite....I was so stressed out before he left, I couldn't even breathe. I was about ready to run away. He's been gone for almost 2 days now, and I still feel like he just left. I'm so glad I'll have at least one day to spend a little time with friends. I have forgotten what it's like! My dad is VERY messy like your mum sounds like. It's a terrible blessing that he can no longer walk and create the filth through out the house like he used to. I am sending you all the positive vibes I can and hoping the best for you. This can't last forever! :)

thanks for asking Emjo and a big fat NO! I thought my dad dying would wake my siblings up to mums situation but they don't want to talk about it?? My mum went into respite over new year and HATED every moment of it the food,the staff,the oldies,etc........... She is very young looking for her age and at 76yrs she is young in there also shes still very competent BUT whether she likes it or not she has to go in there as my only break what do you do?
I am still waiting for my accident claim so cant move forward until I have the money to do so? I am just trying to be positive that a solution will appear and pray everyday that this situation gets sorted? My hands are tied and family just take the piss they know that until I get my money im stuck in a rut for now.
Today I had a huge row with mum and ran to my friends I have a cleaner coming in for 3hrs a wk to clean house as it was too much stress for me her cluttering and mess is getting worse. She argued and said we didn't need one and couldn't afford her NO IDEA the mess she makes so draining shes right financially we cant afford it but mentally a cleaner is a godsend.
I said some horrible things to her like shut up or go into a home if youre not happy. I had to leave then as I was getting chest pains. Shes in one of her down moods and im just not having this anymore and now walk away.
Be nice to just go away and grieve my dad but that's not going to happen BUT ive decided she is not going to ruin my life. Dementia is an illness and we really are the victims IF we let them make us feel this way!
I havnt go POA yet and will start to push her soon as shes not managing her finances so much stress but soon I will have to put my emotions aside and do whats right for her and me and that's a NH I just pray that she becomes more incompetent so shes not aware of being in a NH but maybe that's asking for too much my uncle said you don't know how long she will live and could be years?
So hard to try and make someone happy when shes been so miserable all her life I am trying to be positive lose weight etc....get a bit of my life back then one thing with her and her negativity drowns you and you start to doubt if being positive about things getting better are ever going to happen?
All I can do now is hope that money is coming and that this will end soon ive nothing else to hang on to.
An ex rang recently and said he would help me out financially if and when he could so maybe he will he seemed genuine I was a pillar of support for him when he was suffering financially and emotionally and he said he never forgot that? we will see talk is not what I need now but hard cash even just to have a car again would be heaven.
Ive prayed for help so I have left it all out there as theres nothing more I can do except wait and be positive??
I have had a very bad five years and what goes up must come down and what comes down has to go back up??
Watch this space? My date hasn't called yet? Ah well more time to make myself more beautiful and youre so right Emjo "we are the catch" you just have to love yourself and let them know how damn lucky they are to date someone like you!!!!!!!!!!

echo - can u look for some local resources to help you. It sounds like you have too big a load. You have to look after the anemia. You must be exhausted! Some people just are negative and unkind. It is hard on those of us who help them ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) definitely take care of yourself.

veronica -I am so sorry about the heart problems/rheumatic fever. I was not breast fed for some crazy reason and I have more allergies than anyone else in the family. Re sig other it took 15 years of hard thinking before I decided to open up to another relationship. By our ages, we all have baggage. It is taking some work, but we are getting there and it is MUCH better than the others.

kazzaa - Love that saying!!! are you and sibs working on another situation for your mum? There are some benefits of being older - you do spot the losers earlier, and you are clearer on what really matters

now here is a lesson in how easy it is

This afternoon I needed some distraction and came across an article about our community on face book that I liked, so I emailed the author . It was published in the main paper in the city mother lives and was an intelligent article. We exchanged a few emails and he asked if I had any more ideas on a certain subject. I said I would be in his city next week and would be happy to share if he wanted to get together. Got a very enthusiast and positive response. Now I have to share this with my G. I am not interested in anyone else, not in the least, but a little intelligent conversation when I am visiting mother helps a great deal..

See - it wasn't hard at all. Ladies, sometimes you have to take some steps. If he had said no, nothing lost.
I remember a g'friend saying that in nature it is the female who chooses the male. The males all strut around showing their stuff, but the female chooses. Remember that YOU are the catch! lol

...dancing...

Heres another one which is good!
WORK LIKE YOU DONT NEED THE MONEY
LOVE LIKE YOUVE NEVER BEEN HURT
AND DANCE LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING!!!

I had to give up dairy and gluten (wheat, barley oats and rye) and watermelon! Allergies are the cause of a lot of illness. I agree you cannot do this much longer.

Bath, bum lifters, face packs, I am all for them. Awesome!

This is for you - all of you.

When she didn’t feel like she looked her best she knew what to do – she used the “Act As If” tool. She acted as if she were the most sexy, beautiful and desirable woman in the world, until she felt that way inside and out. She knew that in this world you get what you give and she was going to give it her all. – Queenisms™

Sole giver I dont know if you have tried alternative medicine I did and it turned out that I am intolerant to dairy she told me that dairy is a big no no for asthma? When I gave up dairy my nose ran for about 3 days then I felt I could breath for the first time ever I felt less wheezy and i swear by this. Also my dad had very bad asthma and he hoovered his bed everyday apparently there are little mites in the mattress that irritate the chest.
Just my 2cent but worth a try. I know a woman who cleared her asthma as she discovered it was oranges that were causing it?
Will light a candle for you as its unbearably hard to care for a loved one when we ourselves are ill i have constant back pain and neck pain but have to PUT UP and take painkillers. Ive been to therapy had every god damn test done but NOTHING is going to help me other than my mum goes into care as i cannot do this for much longer my pains are all stress related and im finding im getting more and more agitated and palpatations around her as shes draining the life out of me!
Sorry JB but im off now to have a BATH with facepak and some new thing to put on my eyes to depuff them??? Oh my GOD my bath is my only escape from mum have one installed as therapy!!
Emjo youre such an inspiration when we get older and more picky its not about "we know what we want" ITS " we know what we DONT WANT" makes dating less hassle and can suss out the assholes from 10ft away!
I dont want a relationship I want a man a cuddle someone to compliment me make me feel good even for one night!!!!
He hasnt called yet but its early days and im busy checking out what I look like "NAKED" just in case! yeh im happy enough a good pair of tummy tucker bum lifter knickers and im good to go!! LOL

Kazzaa, way to go girl. just don't look for the old rich guy stay with the toy boys, not that 7 years is a big difference.
Emjo you always raise my spirits. If I was alone I would think long and hard before looking for another mate. They come with too much baggage.
sole I understand lack of medical care. I did not get it because you had to pay in those days. Now my Cardiologist tells me my heart problems are probably due to rheumatic fever and I may have had it more than once. Thanks Mum

I totally understand! I have been caregiving for my mother full time for over 1.5 years but it feels like 100. My mother is so very negative, always has been and is so much worse with her dementia/alzheimer's. She has physically struck me w/her cane leaving huge bruises on me and has beaten my dog! At first I tried to be positive but now every day is a nightmare; her incontinence is never ending, the entire place smells but I try to do what I can in addition to 10-15 loads of her laundry a week, shopping, cooking, bills, ect..while she sits, does nothing but eat plates and bowls of food I prepare all day and smother her chihuahua in blankets...I sleep so much more that I used to, my Dr. says I am now anemic so will have to deal with that issue. All I want is my life back, what's left of it.

My mother has alienated every family member including mine, they don't want to come here; don't blame them, but they do call so other than necessary shopping, Dr. visits, etc..that's it. I wish she was more kind, but never has been to anyone. I have one brother left, he has refused to speak to her in over 20 years due to the terrible comments she made about his daughters-(she does not like children.) How sad is that!

Never place yourself in a 'guilty corner', do the best you can and try to get some away time for yourself.

Take care of yourself!

((((((((sole))))))) sounds like you still have a bit of that childhood mindset. I know I do about some things. They are very hard to overcome. Strep throat can be very serious and pneumonia is very serious especially when you have asthma. I can see that you don't express resentment, but you must have your times...

Has your doctor anything to say about this? Surely he/she has some concern about how caregiving is affecting your health. Maybe it is time to see the local agency on aging and/of social services and discuss your and your dad's situation with them. Most people do not WANT to put their parent in an NH, BUT sometimes there are no other alternatives. Mother is in a very nice ALF, and I hope she dies before she has to go into a nursing home. But, there is no way I could bring her to my home, because of her issues and mine, so, if need be, she will go into a nursing home. Can you hire more help for you from your dad's finances in the meanwhile?

No, it isn't funny that dad would not look after your health needs as a child. I can imagine that you suffered a lot. It really is a form of abuse, or certainly neglect. He is very fortunate to have you in his life now in any capacity and especially looking after him, It is ironic. As always - look after you and do
something good for you today.

Gotta go get my grandson to shovel snow again. Chat later

Thank you so so much emjo. Funny, (not really), but growing up as a child, my dad would not let us go to doctors or dentists for medial care. I don't know why. He is Extremely cheap. I was raised to 'shake it off' whatever ailed me. How I suffered! Strep throat, chronic ear, tooth aches, allergies, asthma. Terrible. Now here I am taking care of him. But I don't mind. But you're right about being careful....I've already been hospitalized a month ago for pneumonia. I'm truly at a point of calling 'uncle! uncle!' :) Trying to stay positive and healthy. Believe it or not, I don't get very resentful, but I admit I have. Hugs to you! :)

((((((((((((sole)))))))))))))) it does sound like your health is deteriorating. You have a number of health issues and none of them light. Prayers for you to win your case. for your sake. You deserve a life. Sometimes the point comes where you cannot keep up what you were doing. I believe that you do not want to put dad in a nursing home, but, 24/7 care and with your own health issues which are worsening must be bringing you to a point where you have to take a hard look at where you are heading. Asthma is serious, and can be life threatening and the other issues really affect quality of life. I am sorry that you, as so many others, are in a catch 22, but for your sake I hope the disability goes through. I don't know what age you are, but you are too young not to have some normality - a life of some sort. Be sure to let us know what happens at the hearing.

Good advice on being picky! We deserve it!! :) emjo...I really don't know how I do it. I'm on auto-pilot perhaps...and it's true, one can put their health at risk. I think I have. I've gotten alot worse, and medications I have aren't working as well anymore. I'm trying to hang in until my SSDisability hearing next week. I lost my job in 09 due to my condition, and have been taking care of my dad since 08. If I win the case, dad will have to go to nursing home unfortunately, as I can barely get through the days. He's already paranoid and whining that I may do that. I truly do not want to, but I'm the ONLY one taking care of him. It's a no win situation. I hurt for him, and for myself. My life's been on hold for so long. I just want some normality - of any kind. Thanks for asking :) and hugs :)

right on Jessie - be picky. One guy at work asked me about who I was trying to catch. I said I wasn't trying to catch anyone. I WAS the catch. He nodded.
I met one who wanted a nurse with a purse. Not for me. They had to have their own money, not have debt, have a healthy lifestyle, not drink beyond a few once in a while, not smoke, be attractive to me, be intelligent, be good company, kind, helpful, gentle but manly, not have broken up recently,and not talk about their exes all the time and I am sure there were a few other things on my list. I was not getting into a bad situation again. Not worth it. Blending two lives is hard enough anyway.

sole ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) how do you do it??? Is there any plan for dad to go into a facility? It sounds to me like you are ruining your already compromised health. Happy your ex-l put the spark back into you. Go for it!!! I hope you have a great break.

kazzaa, you are so right. I'm supposed to be getting a respite this week, but it's been delayed because of full capacity at the unit. My asthma is acting up, I'm in incredible pain with my spine and arthritis, and fibro. It's been difficult not to feel resentful toward my dad, because sometimes he takes advantage. He woke me up 4 times last night on the hour. He's out of his seroquel medication, and couldn't sleep. Now I'm waiting for him to get ready to be put on the portable toilet - after taking laxative. I look in the mirror, and argh! I scare myself! But the respite is coming, and after some make-up, hair fixed, another fake tooth made, and I'll be good to go! :) at least for a few days! You're so right about the motivation of someone. A few months ago, a past lover of mine got back in touch after 10 years, and getting ready to see him again just put a spark back in me....even if short-lived. I'm so sorry about your losing your dad. And I'm happy for you that you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel!! :)

Oh, I have to add that the men are out there. In the last year I've had three interested. None of them appealed to me, so I didn't waste their or my time beyond a couple of dates. (One was a younger Type A pushy type and two were going to need caregivers themselves soon.) I always thought us older women were supposed to be getting desperate. I'm getting more picky personally. I picked a couple of goats in the past, so am not looking for the third goat. If there is a next one, he will be the right one.

Good for you jb, but NO TUB!!!! Eeeek, how do you survive???? Can you visit a friend and have a bath there? I am like you. I soak away the cares in the tub. That must be very hard.

kazzaa - definitely anger is part of grieving and it is common to focus it on someone near. You do really, really, really need some time away from your mum and space to grieve.

I always try to look presentable when I go out. It makes me feel better about me. I haven't fallen into the trap of not staying clean. I wash my hair almost every night and use scented bath washes on my skin. One thing I really don't like is there is no bathtub here, only a shower. I haven't had a real bath in years and I miss it so badly. I never feel really clean with only a shower. I love to relax in a nice hot bath. It is like soaking the cares of the day away.

Love your spunk Kazzaa - awesome!!! "The closest thing to sex in 4 years" cracked me up. I remember one visit to a counsellor when something catastrophic had happened. She looked at me and said "But you are all done up!" I said "You better believe it. I feel better about me when I am "done up.""

One day I wasn't feeling well - the fibro - and G came home and said "You are dressed up, so you must be feeling better" I said I wasn't, but I dressed up anyway. Somehow it made me feel better.

When my babes died - my 23 yr. old youngest, the day we were to pull the plug I dressed up in the best outfit I had brought with me, did my hair and put on makeup. My daughter told him what I was wearing. He was in a coma, but I think he heard. No child of mine was going out with his mum looking a mess! He was a good dresser, always, and I was not going to let him down. Not that dress is everything, and other things have to be looked after, but, it helps.

Now, I do have my mornings when I lounge in my nightwear (though I make sure it is as snazzy as I can afford), or wear my lined jeans and a sweater as it is too cold, but bath, the clothes, the hair and makeup get done before supper time most days whether G is here or not.

It shows you and others that you care about yourself.

Good luck, kazzaa with this nice guy. or any other you encounter. G and I met online. I waded through a few piles of garbage on various websites. Tried the distance thing with a couple of guys and, boy, did they misrepresent themselves. I could write a book about it, but finally found me a good one. Thankfully he lived in the same city as I do and the rest is history. If I can do it at over 70, so can you. it is all in the mindset. I got more attention from guys once I got into the right mindset aged 70+ than I had had for years. Age difference -7 years is nothing. My last ex was 16 yrs. younger than me, and G is 13 years younger - not a problem! And you are just a young thing!

sole - put a chicklet in your mouth or something. I had one of those and it kept falling out - I had to get a bridge. G had a cap fall off and crazy glued it on. Apparently it is safe. Universities have cheap dental clinics. I figure there is always a way... You are still an attractive woman. I know one older woman who didn't have much money and her jawbones were deteriorating so she did a fund raiser for herself to get money for a couple of implants to hold her dentures in. It worked.

Think out of the box!!!! And have a great day everyone. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Always listen to mum! A few years ago mum and I went to a builders shop when we were going out the door she said "you look a bit scruffy why dont you change?" I said "why its not as if im going to meet someone?" And would you believe it I only walked straight into my EX looking like crap! YEP mums always right!

Oh Solegiver thats sad! but funny! I think its my dad dying that just woke me up aswell life is short and you have to really make an effort to get out and grab some fun!
I had a shower and went into town AND put makeup on as i was afraid small town I may bump into him!! HA!
We just need motivation someone or something to happen to wake us up to the fact that there is a life out there and we need to live it!
Im detoxing today and already feeling lighter! a bit weak but thats a good sign nothing like a potential date to get you to move your ass into action my belly should have gone down by next week!
If he dosnt call then look on the positive ill be looking hot for the next guy that shows up? GULP!

HA! You are so funny. I love it. I can relate with you. Especially the make up. Before taking care of my dad 24-7, I never went out without make-up, and my crazy curly frizzy hair fixed. Now, when I get a few minutes to run to the store, or where ever, I have NO make up on, my crazy natural curly kinky hair is barely contained with a hair band, I also lost one of my front teeth, due to not being able to afford the dentist now, and I lost the fake replacement...So you can imagine what I look like...ha!! And I used to be (and friends say still...) an attractive woman. Now I so don't care or have the energy, but you are right....you NEVER KNOW! :)

PPS the lord moves in mysterious Ways!! my friends mum had a triple bypass in August she was very ill for months my friend ended up looking after her in her own home until she couldnt take the stress anymore and her mum moved back to her home. Anywhoo while at the hospital she only MET A MALE NURSE and they have been dating since.
ANOTHER message of hope and we never know when love will come to us so always look smart!! LOL

Hey guys ive only given him my number funny story and a message of hope to all with no life!
We have new neighbours they are very nice and invited us in on xmas day for drinks and an irish sing song my brother plays guitar I was hung over from night before and was casually dressed with NO MAKEUP (take note always wear make up you never know!)
Anywhoo turns out this neighbours nephew was there singing etc then my brother played my dads favourite song and i burst out crying,next thing i knew this gorgeous guy has his arm around me asking if im alright I told him my dad died recently and he hugged me!!(the closest to sex ive had in 4yrs!!) So maybe im nuts but there was a look between us???
Yesterday I thought stuff this hes nice and i dont get to meet guys I fancy i took it as a sign from the angels!! SO i baked a cake brought it into the neighbour with a card for him(shes his aunt) I said happy new year and how I enjoyed his singing and wrote down my number....................................
I will keep you informed anywhoo he saw me at my worst wait until he sees me glammed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe there is hope? so all you single carers smarten up and wear your makeup even to put out the garbage!! LOL

Anyway if he dosnt want a date then fine ill just have to start asking guys on the street!

All the best to ya kazzaa! Happy for you. I know just how you feel. I can't wait to get just a little taste of my life back. You GO!

OMG, I am just excited and happy for you that you are going out on a date. Mom is not going to get better, grieving your father is a long process.....but I hope you have a lovely evening out.
Enjoy

L

Just looked in the mirror yes ive aged since this crap! This man is 41 7yrs my junior I have got to have a facelift by the end of the week!! He dosnt know how old I am so why tell him let him guess!!
Oh my god have I really asked a man out? He plays the guitar,sings and writes songs yes he would kinda melt your heart! I clean up after mum all day oh weve so much in common!!!! Anyway if I get a date ill just bullshit you know "life is great yeh bubbly and breezy" he dosnt have to know how crap my life is!!! I wonder if he has any tips for removing pee from carpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Thanks guys feel like i needed to scream on here! And stiegman my parents have been seperated for over 30yrs so mums not really greiving im sure she has her thoughts about him but the worst is that she is so negative and wont let me grieve just talks about what a shit husband he was etc.......
My dads grave is a good distance from here and i will go and visit when I can alone.
My mum is just sitting on the sofa watching tv and moaning day in day out meanwhile im trying to be positive and sort my life out her negativity is soul destroying ive made plans now to get out of here as much as i can for my own sanity.
She seems to be going downhill and just does NOTHING gets up late sits in her pjs and is waited on.

I dream of a week in a spa with someone to wait on me 24/7. BUT i NEVER get a break do you know she was called into respite while my family were here(the one time i didnt need her to go in????) she went in on new years eve for a week and all my siblings here I argued with the NH as this is suppose to be a break for me and could she not go in later when family had gone back NO as its free she goes in when they say so? so much for RESPITE.
Im drained I sleep and then want more sleep im cold all the time so will try hard now to look after myself i know im just so run down and grieving for dad.
Jessebelle I so understand you its awful to have such horrible thoughts I know we dont mean it but yes ive run out of bullets too!
Are you dating? We have to try and get a normal life back soon oh my god im 49 in sep please God give me back my life I want to die laughing my head off!
Thankgod for this site I think I would have banged my head against the wall for real if I didnt have this site to vent on.
I can honestly say that since looking after mum with dementia theres times i question my own sanity?
Also yes JB i really want to punch people who say this will make you stronger and a better person how much stronger,tougher and more caring can we be?
I get nothing but "arnt you great for looking after your mum" am I? lucky they dont know my dark thoughts and the madness that goes on.

Heres to all of us and a happier peaceful new year ahead!!!!!!!!!GULP!

kazzaa, you sound so normal to me. I get upset with myself, because I want to be compassionate, but I feel so mean inside me. Anytime she takes 5 minutes to walk to the car or has to go to the bathroom every few minutes when we're out, I want to just bang my head on a wall. I am just not the person I want to be. It might be easier if I was closer to my mother -- I don't know.

Today my mother and I went to church. I tried to talk to a friend of mine when it was over, but my mother just kept walking away to the elevator. So I had to leave. She said she had to go to the bathroom NOW. So I took her. About 20 minutes later we were late for the valet. One lone person waited with the keys to my car. He was very nice about it. Then I took my mother to lunch. We sat in a table next to an elder woman and her caregiver. The woman had the totally blank look of Alzheimer's. No life sparked in her eye and no expression was on her face. But the caregiver was taking her to lunch. I wanted to hug the caregiver, but I just gave her a smile. We knew what the other was going through.

Dementia can be so different person to person. No matter what it is like, though, it is hard on the caregiver. I can't count the number of times I've thought about banging my head against the wall. And my imaginary finger-gun has to be out of bullets by now, I've shot myself so often.

Sometimes I hear people talking about how these things mature us or do other wonderful things for us. Maybe that's true, but I still just want to say "bite me."

I like your solution to things in another thread -- fixing yourself up and getting back into life. We don't have that many years left. I feel like I've been dying for four years now. It is time to get back to living.

You are both grieving for a tremendous loss. Go visit the grave together and cry together, it is all part of grief work. You move from shock to anger to despair and finally acceptance. It is a long road, and the first anniversary of his death may be very difficult. Been there. It does get better with time.