FIL with dementia wants to move to a new facility. We are afraid he will regret it and we will have to deal with that. Any advice?
FIL has been in AL that he chose 10 months ago . It was very difficult getting him to go in AL as he said he can dress himself . Finally got him to go in one that looked like independent living . He ate three meals there before going in and said they were good. On and off he complains about the food . He asked to move to another facility 2 months after being there because of the food and we were willing . FIL after touring more places decided to stay where he was because he literally has a one bedroom apartment as his building used to be independent living . He has a regular kitchen , regular apartment sized refrigerator/freezer . They have however unplugged the stove/ranges so they don’t operate . They supply a microwave . he has his Keurig coffee and a toaster . He gets three meals a day at the dining room . He wanted a toaster oven but that is not allowed. Even the toaster is iffy , as they told us they look the other way on that until he sets off the smoke alarm . I bought a toaster that if the toast gets stuck it shuts itself off . These things were very important to FIL as he is always trying to prove he can live independently . Now he says he is willing to give up his “ regular one bedroom apartment “ and take a more one room type assisted living room . The first month he was there he would shower by himself occasionally . Then the odor got so bad we knew he had stopped showering all together .Staff has been more forceful about showers and implemented toileting schedule which he refuses. He is very stubborn and showers occasionally . He wears the same depends all day until it leaks . His dementia has gotten worse . We know that if we move him to another place they most likely will not allow some of these small kitchen appliances he has . He frequently uses the toaster and coffee maker . Uses the microwave occasionally. The place he lives at now is liberal about small appliances . . It was the only one that “ allowed “ the forbidden toaster . He will not remember that we tell him he can’t have the toaster or perhaps even the coffee maker or microwave depending on the facility . Also I think he’s going to complain no matter where he goes . He has always insisted he is independent and doesn’t belong there. This telling us he has to move is also coming back up because the facility he is in took away his meds from his room , yes he was giving himself his meds. That was another big tadoo . He would not agree to go to a facility that would not let him give himself his meds . But they have now taken them away as his dementia is worse . He’s angry that they took away his meds. He agreed to a cognitive test in order to get his meds back but they told him he is having more “cognitive problems .” He says his brain is as good as ever and that they think he’s incompetent and that their philosophy is to take away his independence . He thinks he can bargain to get his way all the time . His walking is very bad , uses a walker . We told him we will not take him out to restaurants anymore unless he lets the staff help with showers/ incontinence as he can’t clean himself properly and that he must do PT.
He told us he would do PT. He doesn’t understand that he has to do all of the above to get to go to a restaurant . He is doing PT but not allowing staff to help with hygiene . He thinks he can choose the conditions and get his way. We fear that if we move him to a new facility he will think he can demand to give himself his meds , and have forbidden kitchen appliances even if we tell him up front that he can’t . He will say that he gave up his regular apartment to go to a smaller room (with a refrigerator and small pantry) . He always tries to negotiate to get what he wants . He does not understand that he can’t negotiate and that the facilities have rules . Do we move him and let the chips fall ? Or do we tell him he can’t move and if so what reason do we tell him ? He will not understand why he can’t dictate . Hubby has durable POA
He doesn't belong in IL. Move him to AL, or better, find a good Memory Care facility.
Sympathize with the fact that he's lost independence and that the doctors are not recognizing how good his brain is. Blame the docs for EVERYTHING.
Stop taking his complaints as calls for YOU to take action.
Sympathize, empathize and stay the course.
I told my dad that he could do whatever he could do without my help or assistance. His choices weren't my problem to accommodate.
If FIL is as capable as he thinks, he will be able to research, tour and sign up for his new facility. Then he will be able to coordinate movers and get himself into his new home. If he can't do all this solo, it can't be done.
They all complain about the food, it is part of the list of things they are given by their sidekicks in the home to complain about.
If he is not showering and refuses to get with the program MC seems to be where he needs to be.
He is a difficult person that doesn't know what he is doing due to the fact his brain is dying in addition most likely he was a stubborn bully to begin with.
Might be time to take over the reins.
However, the elder often suggests moving because they just want something to do. I toured many Als then had my father look at the top three and pick the one he wanted. I moved him in which was a tremendous amount of work. Didn't use movers because his stuff smelled awful so a lot of it was brand new and delivered there. But I still took many car loads to his new place. I did this myself and had to take off of work to do so. Was it appreciated? Not really. Once he was settled, he started making noises about the place being....get this..."too nice" and he should move somewhere cheaper. He would bring that up every so often. I knew he was bored and just wanted something new to think about. Bonus points that it would be a huge burden on me. After 3 years I did end up moving him to a studio in the same building rather than a one bedroom. He liked it so much better. Probably should have done a studio right off the bat but I wanted him to have someplace nice to live in.
My mom's MC had multiple levels of care,tand the highest-functioning people had access to a coffeemaker and a TV they could control on their own. (They didn't show the residents TV otherwise.)
MC does a far better job of coercing residents into showers and handling toileting issues. AL doesn't assist all that much, especially if the resident has dementia but the caregivers believe them when they say no.
Perhaps seek out a MC with levels of care, or at least ask what a resident can do if he wants a cup of coffee. His care shouldn't be predicated on whether he has access to small kitchen appliances or not.
What he wants and what he needs are often 2 different things when one has dementia. And you as family must make the hard choice of what is BEST for him and his safety.
To me it sounds like he's even past being able to live in an assisted living facility and instead should be placed in a memory care facility. Or at least a facility where memory care is offered as an option as he will never get better, only worse, so being able to move in the same facility as needed is better for all involved.
Unfortunately your FIL no longer gets a say in his care, and your husband must now step up and do what is best for his father's wellbeing and safety.
Wishing you all well.
From all you say I think it is looking as though FIL will be moving to/needing more care soon such as memory care, so if one or the other place has a better/more reasonably priced MC than another, I would make certain THAT is the place he moves to.
I wish you luck. But you need to accept that not everything can be fixed. With his current mental limitations you FIL may never accept that.
He would want to read all paperwork before moving to a new place . He would see that it’s not a trial basis . At some point he will have to be moved and he’s not going to go willingly to MC. Recently he has demanded to go back to independent living . I told hubby it’s going to get ugly .
As for the stubbornness, well this is not uncommon. Many elderly people with or without dementia will and do take being stubborn to absurd levels which often results in their loved ones saying 'fine' and walking away.
You're handling your FIL's stubbornness very well by refusing to take him out to eat if he does not allow assistance with showering.
Don't let him wear you down about moving him to a different place. He's going to complain about any place he's in. Complaining can be a form of entertainment or sport among the elderly with or without dementia. I would go so far as to say in my 25 years of experience with caregiving that I've known elderly people who have elevated complaining into an art form. Moving FIL to a new location will not stop the complaining. It will give him a fresh new reason to complain. He will blame you and your spouse for making him leave his old place that he loved so much. Don't do it. Keep him where he is. When the staff tells you it's time for memory care or a nursing home, move him then.
In the meantime, let the complaining go in one ear and out the other. Ignore it. Limit your time with your FIL if you have to.
* You need to set clear boundaries.
- Tell him once, you need to stay here for now. Then change the subject. He will want to argue and convince you otherwise.
- Expect him to react emotionally and verbally. Let him get it out although do not be drawn in.
He cannot make decisions in his best interest.
If needed for your comfort, tell him when he says he wants to move "we're working on it" and change the subject.
Logic won't work.
These concerns and transitions are hard for everyone concerned.
Try to set clear boundaries with compassion. It is a dance. Don't 'get mad' at him. If you are frustrated, deal with yourself outside of his presence. He can't help himself.
Gena.
You can call Dad once week over rhe phone before you arrive that he must take a shower because you and hubby are coming to pick him up to bring him to a restaurant. Tell his care team so they remind him he spoke to you/his son and they need to get him ready to go out to the restaurant. When Dad asks about moving, let him know yyou're orking on mmaking that available and as soon as one becomes available, yyou'll et him know. Redirect, change the subject. He will ask every time he sees you; say and do the same thing. It's a white lie that gives peace after you answer and he will be satisfied umtil he asks you again the next time. A healthy game of cat and mouse, if you will. Eventually, this phase with him will stop as he fixiates on something else and his disease changes and/or progresses. I wish you the best.
Excellent advice. Short and sweet and you are 100% right. There is nothing anyone can do to make him happy because he wants to complain. Like I said in my comment, complaining can be a form of sport and entertainment for the elderly.
Telling him that there's nothing available right now is pretty good.
With dementia at play, he should have access to NO APPLIANCES WHATSOVER. When is this AL going to understand that? When fil electrocutes himself by trying to get the bread out of the toaster with a knife?
Move the man into Memory Care Assisted Living asap and tell him it's DOCTORS ORDERS. Period.
Its time now to stop allowing an elder with dementia to make ANY decisions except what choice of dinner he'd like. POA is in force for expressly that reason....to decide FOR him what's safest and best bc he no longer has that ability.
Best of luck
"He will not understand why he can’t dictate".
No. That's right. He can't understand.
"He says his brain is as good as ever.."
Anosognosia. 'Medical term for lack of insight'. Check out this under care topics. I'll try to add a link.
If his current place is meeting most/all of his needs, I wouldn't consider moving.
Thank you !! That made me laugh .
Yes he’s obsessed with food . He wants to be wined and dined every day and taken on a cruise to Alaska . He has finally stopped asking for a cruise since I told him multiple times that I don’t do crowded boats.
Someone please reconfigure an old cruise ship and turn it into a floating nursing home so I can give him a permanent cruise to nowhere !! He talks about the gourmet food , wine and free entertainment .
You are spot on about food being the common ground complaining.
I worked in an AL for years. The residents complained incessantly about the food and it was three gourmet meals a day with dessert every night, snacks, anything they wanted. Yet still the constant complaining.
My friend's mother was in the AL I worked for. She'd cry to her daughter night and day begging to go home and crying about the food being like a prison and how bad it was. One day I called her out on her crap in front of her daughter. I asked her why she goes to all the activities going on if she hates the place so much and why does she go up for seconds and even thirds at every meal if the food is so bad?
After this she refused to allow her daughter to visit her and then went around complaining to everyone that her daughter dumped her there and forgot about her.
I called her out on that too in front of her friends. This took the heat off her daughter and mended the relationship because now she could villify and complain about me which she did.
With an elderly group in residential care, they are happiest when there's someone they can all villify together and something common to complain about like the food.
My Dad is the same with the food - he only cares about seeing us because he wants to go to restaurants. And Dad constantly says "I'm healthier than anyone else around here." He has congestive heart failure, bad edema in lower legs, can barely walk (with a walker), colon issues, and dementia. Totally clueless.
I finally moved Dad into a small care home so that he could get more dedicated care. He hates it but as his dementia progresses, I hear a lot less complaining.