Cue the guilt!
My mom is thankfully recovering from a long string of medical issues, which have been complicated by COVID restrictions (hospitalizations are tougher than usual) and the fact that her husband has Lewy Body Dementia. I also live in another state, so any support I can give is from a distance. There are other family dynamics but suffice it to say it’s a difficult situation.
Her husband’s dementia is getting worse, and it’s likely he’ll need a level of care that she cannot provide. She is slow to accept this but we are getting there.
Even though he was diagnosed several years ago, they have not made a solid plan, so it’s a scramble to try to figure out what their future is going to look like.
My mom’s default is “well if I have to sell the house I will just move in with you part of the year and your brother half of the year. My brother has neither the space nor the resources to do this, so her plan really is just to move in with me.
It pains me to say this, but I know that this will not be a good situation. She is lovely, but she is also very bossy. Having her live in a guest room with no dedicated space of her own is going to cause problems for her and eliminate any privacy for my husband and me.
I finally came out and said “ I don’t think it’s a good idea. Everyone I have talked to about this has said that it damaged their relations with their parent and I don’t want that for us.” I would love to have her closer, but I feel like living under the same roof in a small home is going to make everyone miserable.
I am now dealing with a crushing feeling of guilt because I think she feels that she has nowhere to go and that we don’t love her. I am admittedly a people pleaser with a real problem establishing boundaries, and I fear that she is going to bring this up again. I worry that I will give in and get into a situation that I can’t get out of.
My husband does not want to move back to the state where she lives (we really can’t afford it anyway). If she were to move here I would be the only person she knows, so there will be pressure to be her social outlet as well as support for any help she needs.
I feel incredibly guilty and anxious for the future. I know I am not responsible for her happiness (or anyone else’s), but it breaks my heart that I can’t seem to solve this problem for her.
I think being transparent about how I feel about us living together was important and the right thing to do. Have any of you experienced this? If so how do you deal with the guilt? How do you support but keep boundaries intact? I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy, too, and I don’t want to spend what time I have left with her in resentment.
Extra wrinkle, my MIL also has no plan for her care and lives in the middle of nowhere in yet another state. She has not so subtly stated on several occasions that “it is the daughter’s job to take care of parents.” She has two sons, so I am pretty sure she is expecting me to figure out her situation as well.
Funny anecdote, though. I talked to my dad about this and he said “Listen, I would love to have you live in the backyard or something, but I don’t want you living with me.”
Open to any advice or words of encouragement. This forum has been a wonderful source of support. I appreciate you all.
So, when the time came for my parents to sell their home b/c dad couldn't drive anymore after 3 fender benders back to back, I moved them to Colorado to be closer to me (from Florida) BUT, told them I'd find them an apartment in a senior independent living building. They were fine with that, and we didn't have to have another conversation about living with me again. They went on to live in Assisted Living after IL, and then dad died, and mom stayed in AL, and is now in Memory Care since 2019.
Put your foot down NOW or allow your mother to move in and ruin what's left of your life, your choice. Get rid of the guilt, too, because where is it written that YOU are the savior? That YOU have to cohabitate with mom again? Wasn't once enough? It was for me, that's for sure. Your mother has a house. She can sell said house and finance her life in another place; be it IL, AL or another place of her choosing, that's up to HER. Just b/c she hasn't made a 'solid plan' for her old age and/or her husband's dementia care does not make it YOUR problem to solve. If you choose to feel 'guilt' over her refusal to take responsibility for her OWN future, then that's your burden to bear.
It's fine to offer your mother emotional support and assistance in getting her house sold and getting set up somewhere else, as long as it's not with you. Practice telling her that moving in with you is 'not going to work for me, mom' and leave it at that. Blame it on your husband if need be, that he likes living alone just the two of you, but stick to your guns, like I did. My mother is 95 now with advanced dementia and more issues than Newsweek. I shudder to think which cemetery my headstone would be at right now had I taken her in. Literally. I manage her entire LIFE for her for the past 10+ years, visit her frequently, and that's more than enough.
I suggest you take my advice. Best of luck!
After the longest 9 months of my life, we placed her in the best residential care center I could find, where she lived for 5 1/2 truly delightful years.
I loved her dearly, and considered myself one of her best friends, but it was true, we could not live together.
All of my guilt couldn’t change that. What happened that DID change, was that I once again became her loving daughter, and she, my funny stubborn thoughtful interested mother.
Subtly or not, NO ONE is born female in order to change HER parents’ under clothes in their old age, and anyone who makes such a foolish statement is simply WRONG.
Provide the very best care you can find with HER financial resources, visit as often as you can, but DON’T let go of YOUR LIFE to attempt to live hers. If you do, you will carry the regret long after she become unable to impose it.
I guess first plan is to get step dad situated. Is your mom providing all his care? He's going to need a facility at some point. Will mom want to place him locally? But then would she be willing to live near you with him back there? Or could she place him nearer you and sell her house and move into a senior apartment or assisted living?
Good luck.
Stand just as firm to your MiL's sexist attitudes as well, those have been keeping women down for centuries. Break that cycle.
I'll never understand why so many elderly people live in the middle of nowhere. Humanity started building cities 6000 years ago. Did they not get the memo?
Narcissism, check. Old grandma trying to take over the family with wife helplessly standing by, check. Going into a care home and begging to come "home" (the home with their child)? Check.
They KNEW. From the age of 20 or whatever they were then, they knew how impossible it was. That show didn't even deal with hospice, or fecal incontinence, or dementia so they KNEW they'd have to take care of such.
Why didn't they?
Also your husband and immediate family have priority. It wouldn't be fair or loving to subject him to your mom as a housemate. You'd lose your privacy and as she ages and declines, it can become so.much.worse than you can ever have imagined. She will benefit by being in a community with others her age where there are activities and events.
As for your MIL, if she makes that comment again just change the subject or hand the phone to your husband. Or tell her she's welcomed to move to your town but not your home. No one is obligated to care for another. No one can be assumed into caregiving. Stay strong and read some of the posts in the Burnout care topic if you're feel like you may succumb to her moving in!
Tie that lump of grief to a helium balloon & set it free towards the horizon. Let it drift towards the clouds & disperse.
Have a good cry instead. It's OK to cry. That life is tough. That our folks get old. But it is part of the package. It IS life.
(((Hugs)))
Was your decision not to let them move in the wrong decision? (No.)
Have your mom and stepfather made any provisions for their future living situation? (No)
Does this constitute a crisis for you? (No.)
Now that we've gotten those FACTS out of the way, let's start looking at what we can do to fix their situation within those boundaries.
Help Mom and stepdad look into assisted living/memory care facilities. Make a trip out there to them, or if you're willing, look into moving them closer to you. Remember, though, that moving in with you is on the opposite side of the brick wall and isn't an option.
If you practice selective deafness when Mom brings up HER idea of how their life is going to go, eventually she'll realize it isn't an option. Only have the discussion with her within the existing boundaries, and I think you'll have better luck.
The important thing to remember, though, is that older people get overwhelmed with life-changing decisions and try to go for the easiest solution, i.e. "I'll move in with you." She may not want that any more than you do, but this is the best she can come up with, so do try to help them with these decisions by doing as much research and even making the decision if they authorize you to do so.
This is also a good time to make sure their affairs are in order, including powers of attorney, medical powers of attorney, wills, and trusts.
I feel like she is coming around but I also feel like most of the family is looking to me to solve this problem since I am “the stable one.”
My mom is convinced that she can’t afford any sort of facility but will not share financials with me, so I can’t say. I have a dark feeling that I am going to have to really push back lest this all fall in my lap.
I feel extremely guilty and sad pretty much all the time. It is one crisis after another. What does someone do if they can’t afford a facility?
at the same time, I am have had two friends (both in their 40s) die suddenly, and I can’t find the space to grieve properly due to the constant issues with mom and her husband. My own husband lost his job recently and is feeling los and needing my support. I don’t know if this is normal and maybe I am just a weak person, but it feels like a lot.
I have made an appointment with a therapist to talk through thing and hopefully get my own mental health back on a stable footing.
thanks again to everyone for giving me the space to work through this. I truly appreciate your encouragement and advice.