My experience any advice would be greatly appreciated and listened to. My mother has been suffering many years and aging about 20 years older than her actual age. She is 71. I didnt even realize i was care giving for her for a long time. I just thought i was being her son doing whats right. Me and my mom had a very good relationship. Since she was about 61 she has been in severe pain. I moved in with her and started paying for everything around this time. She for the next 5 years o so was still her self and things went well. It actually wasnt that bad in this time. So after about 6 years Me and ma were good friends. She had 2 knee surgeries and a rotator cuff surgery. I was her nurse thru all of it. But after the double knee surgery it was as if a switch was flipped and she went from sweet to a monster. It got a little better but she literally changed over night, This spurred me into doing what the family pressured me into. Let ma get her own place right next to my sisters neighborhood 4 hrs away in Tampa. I feel i have to admit i needed to get back on track in my own life and with moms new anger i took the chance. I figured my sister is studying to get her Md and she claims she has so much knowledge and would literally be a proffesional caregiver. Ok lets fast forward now from about 2009 to 2016. My mom Just had a stroke and it was after coming home from a spinal surgery. She was let out way to early but was supposed to go to a care facility. My sister brought her home and decides let me leave you alone and go get some sushi. Mom proceeds to grab a beer while on a combo of pain relaxers and opiates and goes to the bathroom(classy i know) anyways she has a stroke and of course the mess she was found in was ridiculous. My sister who is highly educated with ZERO COMMON SENSE gets back to find my mom in her own mess going blue half of the face paralyzed and she calls the paramedics now I get a call that starts informing me of the situation about a 1/2hr later. My sis tells me theparamedics came but they left! because she came to for a little bit and they blamed it on meds. But my siste is telling me. I took her to panera bread and now shes mumbling and going numb. I who have zero medical training but some decent old fashion common sense said,"get her to a effin hospital now!" Well it ends up i was right. It was a blood clot stroke, so not a major but a stroke for sure. This made me question everything that was marketed to me about my sister as a rockstar caegiver. My family is very cult like against me because to me love means genuine caring. They all are very selfish. So of course as soon as i get there its my job to clean the bathroom and do all that fun stuff. I see my mom has pot , vodka, coffee liquor bear and wine and a drawer full of hydrocodone and many many other things. She also drives with a broken shoulder and spinal issues. I started going from really concerned to upset. I understand pot may ease pain but with pills alcohol and a so many other meds?
So i have tried politely to talk about taking the keys because her car...which i paid for new and fixed several times was dented to death from obviously her wonderful driving. No i am fought about any concern over safety. I go to see my mom who now said for the first time, "who are you" and we spoke on the phone atleast every day for atleast a few minutes in these year apart" She was statled for a moment as she realized who she said that to but i accepted the new reality and just said its ok, What i soon realized that whatever momentum there was behind her angryness and memory issues was reaching a worst level. At this point she says hi i am just getting back from dinner, o ok so what did you eat? WHY THE F DO YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IM EATING?! AND THEN A RANT ABOUT MY CONTROLLING MENTAL ISSUE AS A MAN. Thats where i am at. So i see now my mom is so gone she can not be going back to her independent home with full bar , several meds, and pot. O btw she also has lung cancer and had to have partial lung removal surgery. So yeah even more reason to smoke and not vape. Nothing is done correctly. So back to my sister. I have been blocked out by family and my sister for expecting this to be the moment where my mom loses her driving and atleast moves into a senior community with a health focus. My sister tells me to do everything after selling all these lies about how smart she is and can do a better job. My mom refuses to allow anything i suggest be entertained and says im not her father. OK wow so not even the mom i knew my whole life but its fine i tell myself. My sister agrees to go to a john know meeting with my mom and then immediatly texts me, I got a proffesional live in nurse. short story a girl that dropped out of medical school years earlier w a baby young child that has no where to go. Pretty much a homeless single mother. Her other son never speaks to her. 1/2 bro. I feel for the first time i should walk away from my family because why fight a fire that you cant put out, w people that dont care, any advice? thank you
First I have to ask - what's a "John know" meeting? As for your question about your mom changing so much so fast - I've been told it's not that uncommon. I have read about situations where it is believed anesthesia used during surgery can ratchet up dementia. In my moms case it was a fall that did it. Mom didn't hit her head or experience loss of consciousness but she went from mild dementia to full-on dementia overnight. No one can give me a cause, medical or otherwise, but say "it happens". I know, not much help - sorry. Shirley you sister isn't treating your mom, what does her doctor say about her living situation and her driving?
As for the walking away from it all - when I first found this site I authored a thread about walking away and the guilt involved. You may be surprised to find out that a lot of people looking after an elderly loved one - consider it. Most, like me, consider it but don't act on it, but some brave souls actually do it. When the loved one becomes too much to handle and family is making the situation worse - sometimes walking away is the only option if you want a healthy, happy life for yourself. And everyone deserves that - even if it means putting your needs first.