Those of you who have followed my story, know all the details. First of all, I would like to thank this forum for all the advice and care. The doctor finally convinced my dad to spend the rest of his skilled nursing care days at the NH facility. The plan is for him to be there for about two months at which he will be re-evaluated. This is all a heavy load although I'm so glad he is in a place that he is being cared for and I do not have to worry endlessly and I was almost to my breaking point. But I have often wished I had a sibling to help make some of the decisions and to deal with him. If you are an only child, how do you cope? I admit I feel some guilt (I know I have no reason to) for him being at the NH. This is one of the reasons I started counseling.
After my mom moved to my city in 2013 I spent many a Saturday, which was my day amongst all the other days that I took care of her that I most wished I had an older sister who was also somehow a nurse to help me navigate everything my mom needed. Saturdays I did her grocery shopping, laundry, took her meals and of course had to entertain her in some way too as well as attempt to diagnose many minor medical maladies.
Now that she's in AL, life is easier. Watching the struggles in my husband's family caring for his ailing parents was eye opening to me. He's the only boy and the baby and was deemed the wild one. They saw him as unreliable long into his middle age years even when he got into recovery for his addiction. His middle sister was also deemed a flaky and unreliable hippie since she never married and led a somewhat bohemian life. His oldest sister was the only one they felt was reliable and man did they lean on her. We were all willing to help but were dismissed much to the frustration of all. I listened to my oldest SIL vent endlessly but it was as if she had no siblings in her parent's eyes. It took a horrible toll on her health and I'm shocked she didn't die before they did.
I don't know, I just carry on and do the next thing in front of me to do. I don't have to consult anyone and in some ways it's easier. I have this forum to consult and vent to and several friends that aren't sick of hearing about it yet. What I needed was outside help, mom was very unwilling to accept that until she had her Last Big Fall which landed her in AL. Guilt lurks around the corner all the time for me too, but I tell it to piss off, I've done the best I can and take it one day at a time.
There are countless stories here posted by those with siblings who receive no help from them. I can only take solace in knowing that it was up to me to try to make the best choices for her care. It would only have become more troublesome if there were siblings not doing their share or in disagreement with certain choices. There really weren't many options once she became bedridden.
When I read posts from other only children I revert to that thinking and am at least glad there was not conflict. It is your only option and one way of thinking regarding this issue. Wishing you the best in your journey.
You have had more than enough of difficulties to deal with. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
I lived three states away from my folks but luckily had just retired and could make the long drive as needed.
it’s a long story but eventually I was able to get them into assisted living. It was a rough transition, dad had dementia and mom was falling all the time.
I went through the guilt and second guessing myself about their care. It helped to talk with some good folks on this site. Loads of people have managed difficult care situations by themselves. You can do it. There were times when I didn’t think I could keep going as so much was going on with two elderly parents at the same time.
My folks are gone now and over time I’ve quit bearing myself up about the past. We do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt.
It usually doesn’t work that way. The work usually falls on one child and the siblings sit on the sidelines and criticize.
Or the siblings simply ignore the whole situation and go about living their own lives.
I developed a system of "treats" to give myself as a sort of reward--an ice cream cone or takeout sushi while in her area and a very cold glass of white wine when I got home--work a system to reward yourself each time you visit.
He often told me to block out a period of time so that I could spend time doing something that I enjoyed.
It definitely helps to have something pleasant to focus on.
In response to your last sentence in your last post about Dad adapting and being happy ……..
FB, please don’t hold onto the hope of Dad being happy . That will interfere with your own happiness . The elderly are not always happy with placement and even if your Dad was , there is a chance he would never admit it to you . Some elderly are fine in their new facility but will put on the pout face and complain when their visitors come .
His happiness is not your responsibility . You did not make him old . His living situation is due to age and illness . If he chooses to not try to make the best of it , there is nothing you can do to change that .
Learning that helped me accept that there may never be a way to make my mother happy.
Like you, I am a "fixer". When I finally realized that there were no "good" solutions to my mom's health issues, only the "least bad one", I started to gain perspective and make better decisions for her AND for me.
The other thing you can't "fix" is the fact that your dad is stubborn and unrealistic in his assessment of his abilities (and yours!).
THAT you're just going to have to let go of. It sounds like the doc is a gem!
Yes, I have to let it go because there is no other way for him to have what he needs and or for me to have what I need. You are right, there are no good solutions in my situation either other than what is occurring today.
I have faith that you will come to terms with your father needing around the clock care.
You aren’t denying any of the facts. You’re open to reevaluating his situation.
It’s difficult to witness our parents losing their independence.
Many of us went through difficult times in the past but most of us had others in our lives that showed us great love.
So, in spite of our circumstances we learned how to be thoughtful of others. I find you to be very thoughtful of others.
Your dad will acclimate to relying on being cared for by a staff. You will too.
Seek support here . from counseling, a support group , and perhaps friends .
True, there were times I wished I had siblings so everything didn’t land on me. (assuming I’d have siblings who would help)
Overall I appreciate that being an only allows me to make decisions and act on them without having to contend with a committee.
Do not feel guilty for placing your father into a NH; you have made the best decision for him. You can go and visit your father in the facility as often as you wish then you can go back to your place and enjoy your peace and quiet.
When I cared for my mother, I was POA and sole beneficiary.
I took care of her in my home when she left the hospital at age 89 with a partially successful shattered hip, realized after 9 months that no one was benefiting from that, placed her in an excellent local SNF visited almost every single day for her entire 5+ year stay, saw her flourish in their care, and paid almost a million for it, HER money and worth EVERY CENT.
Eleven years later, I entered into a similar situation, this time as independent POA with a second “trusted” POA who left as soon as the LO was placed in the AL of my mother’s previous residence and moved 1,000 miles away. We POAs were once as close as siblings.
I managed all of the care of that dearly loved family member for the 5 years she was in care, visited at least 3 times/week until the pandemic struck, wrote 5 checks per month, maintained contact with the nursing staff, therapists, and residence management, brought small gifts and cards on holidays, arranged treats for staff(s), took care of any issues that arose, arranged for her funeral, and loved her dearly every minute she was in care.
The other POA wrote one check, once a month, visited two or three times a year, and harassed ME constantly via email.
Be careful what you wish for…….
I'm an only. I can make decisions without having to run it past anyone else or listen to how they would have done it better(but didn't). I don't have to feel angry at someone who is not pulling their weight or self righteous that they aren't doing as much as I am. Sure it was all on me but I had peace of mind knowing that from the start. I think people with siblings expect that they will all step up eventually and are devastated when others don't want to get in as deep as they are. I don't have to deal with that crushing (although self inflicted) disappointment. My mind is free to get the job done rather than dwell on what others aren't doing.
I would like to upvote this sentiment a million times! Very wise words!
Exactly how I feel. I posted something similar earlier in the thread when I mentioned not to take the ‘grass is greener’ approach.
I stumbled in this area for far too long! My therapist and this forum set me straight. I am grateful for being told what actually works and what doesn’t work.
My caregiver days for my parents are long over. Like others who are no longer caregivers I have stuck around on the forum in hopes to be able to shed some light for others who are still struggling.
I am delighted to read posts such as yours.
I might have as well have been an only child. My brothers, one 7 hrs away the other going thru a divorce, were no help to me. I held the POAs and I made most of the decisions. My brothers never interfered. I consulted with one brother and that concerned the house. I made all decisions concerning Moms care.
In your position, if you don't have POA, I would allow the State to take over Dads care. If he is now in a NH, all his needs will be met. They should have a list of things they provide. That would be his toiletries, Depends if he needs them and meals. They should have a doctor or more associated with them so no need for one where he needs to be taken out of the building. If he is taken to the hospital, the NH has him transported and arranges to have him transported back to the NH. If you don't have POA, no need to go to the hospital. He has his laundry done by them. If on Medicaid, he will get a personal allowance. In my State its $50 a month. Mom never used it so I let it ride. That way if she needed any clothes, the money was there. They have clothing donations that can be used for Dad. When my Mom went into a NH, I felt a lot was taken off my shoulders. I just visited.
You'll be fine. Just be firm in that your are not and will not be responsible for him. He is now safe and cared for and thats where he needs to stay.
Family is great until they're not.
Having siblings doesn't automatically make it 'better' or easier to deal with an aging parent. In fact, MOST of the 'drama' we had over mom was due to infighting with the sibs (and it was really not true infighting, just we couldn't all agree on anything and the POA's wouldn't do ANYTHING.)
My OS and I stepped away and simply let things happen. She was cared for by our YB and it was OK. Not great, and for years she begged me to take her in, but I couldn't (and wouldn't) and said "Mom, you chose R over any one else, so this is your life."
It's was nice growing up with a large-ish family, but it was HARD to deal with all the personalities and stuff when mom & dad were failing.
Yes, a lot is put on you, but it is what it is. I'm haven;t spoken to my YS since my mom died and might never speak to her again (over some perceived slight)....If I want to talk to one of my sibs, I have to reach out to THEM. They never call me first. Never.
So sometimes I DO feel like an only child. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.
Some people have siblings that are supportive. They look out for each other and work together as a team.
Some people have siblings that are not helpful and they wish that they were an only child so that they didn’t have to deal with siblings who cause trouble for them and their parents.
It really comes down to making the best of the cards that were dealt to us, right?
We have to find peace with whatever our circumstances are instead of looking at the ‘grass is greener’ approach.
I wish you peace in your life. Find support wherever you can. You’ll get through this.
Please know that you can always count on this forum to vent or chat about your concerns. This forum was and still is a source of comfort to me.
I was able to find an ‘in person’ support group in my area when I was a caregiver for my mom. It does help to have face to face interaction with others who are going through similar issues.
I coped by learning to trust myself and my instincts with regard to my parents bc I had their best interests at heart AND my own best interests at heart. I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself or my marriage for my parents, but I wanted to make sure they had the best and SAFEST life possible as they got very old. I learned to make decisions w/o second guessing myself (for the most part). I leaned on my husband who's super supportive also. I was always there for mom and dad, advocating for them but backing off when they irritated me. I had no pushback from siblings to contend with, so my decisions were not argued with.
When your intentions are good, you can trust your decisions, imo. Your father is in the right place now, thankfully, and the doctor will keep telling him that at each re-evaluation every 2 months. This situation has nothing to do with you, bc you didn't cause his age or his related illnesses and issues.
Do pass by your counselor my suppostion that guilt infers causation. You didn't cause your dad's problems and you can't cure them; therefore guilt is the wrong g-word. The right one is g-rief!
I do think getting stuck in "guilt" lets us stop the hard work of examining the facts, and the final knife to the heart that you have a parent of such limitations that he has not protected you, but burdened you; a counselor can so help with that.
You suppose a sibling would have helped. Maybe.
I had a brother, 7 years older, my soulmate who got me through every dark woods in life, until he got Lewy's dementia and I had to help HIM get through. So yes, a sibling can be a godsend. But you are a regular here, a member of our community helping others, and you see some of the sibling stories, with two fighting over a weakened and failing parents, literally splitting the parent in two.
I would have wished a big brother for you, one who would be Hansel to your Gretel and keep you feeling SAFE all your life; but I would caution you that seeing the loss and failure of such a one would have left your heart broken. Worth it, that. So I DO wish you had had that big brother.
Take care. I am so glad to see things looking up for you, and hope to see that continue on. You have a lot to share; we need you.
Yes in an ideal world every one would help each other but that does not always happen.
Read some of the posts and you will see that there is everything from antagonistic behavior, backstabbing, undermining, theft, disregard and on and on. And a few that get along.
You do not have to consult with other family members to get the OK to do what needs to be done for your dad.
If something needs to be done you can approve it without making 2, 3 or more phone calls, arguing with 2 of the 3 that dad needs to see a dermatologist, or he needs a new pair of shoes.
On the other hand I get that you want to bounce your thoughts off someone else just to make sure you are making the right decision.
If you have the information at hand and you make a decision based on that then that is all that can be expected. No one is perfect but if you make choices with his best interest at heart you can sleep well at night knowing you have done all you can do.
I am responsible for everything for my mom from physical to financial (including bodily care, care of my mothers run down, cluttered, home, paying bills, hiring a lawyer).
Not only does my sibling not contribute, but mom has given him thousands of dollars. This happened shortly before she went on hospice, before I took over her finances. Now she asks me to get cash to give him. I I told her “I” will be responsible for that cash when she has to apply for Medicaid. I have to remind her a couple times a week that I can’t do that.
My brother makes more than I ever have, but he is deeply in debt. That is his own affair, not moms. I deeply resent her giving him money after he lived in her house rent and utility free for 10 years (due to his filing for bankruptcy). He didn’t even help maintain the house while he lived there.
The good thing is that he supports all of my care decisions. A lot of folks on this board are not only providing all the care, but enduring sibling’s unhelpful suggestions or outright criticism.
Sorry for the rant. I wish you the best. You are doing the right thing.
You are doing fine without them.
For my own Mom and also MIL I downloaded the appropriate, vetted and fully legal forms from Legalzoom.com (where you can also discuss anything with their attorneys, for each different state). Make 2 copies: 1 for your Dad and 1 set for you. Check if the facility has a notary. If they don't you can find mobile notaries. In most cases the signing will require 2 non-family witnesses. If you are an only you DO NOT need to spend $$ to go to an elder law attorney to do this. Maybe have a social worker come in to explain to him what happens to people who become incapacitated and have no legal representative (hint: guardianship by the county). Whatever it takes to incentivize him to give you authority to help him.
The first thing the elder lawyer said was “your springing POA is useless. You tell her she signs immediate or you can’t keep helping her.”
So I told her that what we’d done was useless, and she signed an immediate POA. She has enough mental capacity to give POA. There was never any question about that.
I like the idea of havjng an agreement about next steps if elders needs increase or caregiver is overwhelmed. I wish I could do that with my mother. I can’t trust her that she will do anything easily. For example, going into her surgery, we were told she would go to rehab for a week. She seemed happy about it, and was aware that I was doing things like buying her clothes and labeling them. But behind my back, she was telling her friends that she did not intend to go to rehab. But under normal circumstances with a mentally sound person. This seems like a good plan.
I have one sibling who lives 350 miles away, and will not help. We were both estranged from mother for many years, and he did not have the misfortune of her showing up at his doorstep. I am very between not thinking much about it and being really angry with him. The stress of my mother’s care is a constant thing on my mind. I am just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop.
editing to add that my mother herself was a legal assistant for 35 years. So this is made it extra hard to get her to cooperate with signing anything because she knows exactly what she’s signing and does not trust me.
That's one smart doctor! Getting dad to agree to 2 months is a start. Let all of this be in the doctor's hand.
We got mom to agree to a 3 month trial in an IL facility "just for the winter", because it was impossible for us or caregivers to get to her in storms. By the time spring came, mom was settled.
It's great that your Dad is in a NH. If I were you I'd not discuss him being "reevaluated" because that may be giving him false hope of release -- and back to your stress for you... so don't bring it up and if/when he does, give him a brief answer like, "Yes, we'll have to see what the doc says" and then move on to an unrelated topic. My MIL is bedridden in LTC but often wants to go home. We tell her she can when she can demonstrate her ADLs for the doctor. This way her frustration is focused on him, not us.
With my 94-yr old Mom living in her own house next door to me, we have an agreement: she transitions into a facility when either a) she is no longer safe being in her home, or b) I, as her caregiver, am overwhelmed by her needs. Period. Every once in a while when she makes a comment hinting that she'd fight going into a facility, I bring up the agreement and she concedes.
As long as you know what next steps will be AND you are his PoA, then knowing your plan should take some of the stress out of it.
But if you're not his PoA... yikes. I'd tell him that a condition of you helping him is that he assigns you this authority. My Mom is already becoming more stubborn, illogical and unreasonable and if I had no legal ability to enforce a "best solution" for her, I think I'd just let the county have guardianship for her. Cuz that's what will happen with your Dad if you have no legal control and he won't cooperate. Or you yourself can pursue guardianship through the courts, which can be pricey and time-consuming.
Maybe find a local support group (or Zoom group) as well. And yes, this forum is a great resource. I wish you much wisdom, clarity, courage and peace in your heart on this journey!