Mom keeps trying to reverse decisions she and dad made to live in a very nice independent living apartment, so dad can have his meals catered, etc. while mom ws in the hospital. She is very frail and has an in-home nurse in the apartment 11-13 hours each day. My sister and I have set up a living trust, with their credit union and an attorney as financial POAs, specifically to avoid any misunderstanding between our parents and their estate. Regardless, mom has become very paranoid that dad is spending their money fooliishly on himself and we daughters, and is denying dad minor purchases, and complsining to her nurse that they can't afford her per their contract. She is constantly waking up at night demanding thair financial papers, and cursing us and her nurse, telling us that she wishes dad would just die and leave her their money.
Mom and dat have enough money to live on for quite a long time, which was shown to them using a financial plan calculated by their credit union. Her nurse keeps calling in tears, as she is getting the full force of her abuse, and is afraid for my dad. The facility has a skilled nursing facility, but they don't want her to return due to her behavior during her last stay.
Is there any way we can declare her incompetent due to her irrational behavior? She is very manipulative, and could probablyfool people into feeling sorry for her.She has done so before, never desitating to lie and cry on demand..
Question: Incompetent and irrationl,or just plain old mean?
We always want to hear how things went! We are here to be supportive, and that includes after issues get resolved.
When a caregiver goes thru stuff like this, it takes time to heal afterwards.
Keep doing that:
working Mom gently around to moving to Assisted Living.
She will not likely go without a fight, from what you have described, though--but maybe she might!.
You do have the advantage that she does not own her home
--so she is renting?
Maybe the rental needs to be vacated due to landlord issues...
If so, AHA! use need to vacate the rental, to leverage her into a new, much easier to maintain,"Senior Studio Apartment" [aka, Assisted Living Facility!].
NOT Telling her it is an Assisted Living place,
just calling it "Senior Studio Apartment"
--a new, better rental...
especially good, one that does not look like a nursing home from the entry--one that looks sorta like apartments.
If that does not work, you may have to
do the process of giving her 2 choices of AL facilities,
both of which have been previously interviewed and screened.
LAST RESORT solutions:
1. If above fails, you must choose a facility, then set a date for her room being open, then arrange:
Take some of Moms things to start furnishing the new room--decorate room with them while --someone else-- takes Mom on her outing.
Take Mom for a "Sunday Drive", pleasant day out, doing things she likes
...which ends at the AL place, where she meets new people socially, they introduce her to her new "apartment".
You will have already brought her basic things to start with, then maybe moving more of her own things, later.
2. The worst-case scenario would be to call Emergency
[a Crisis Line --or else 911], report that you feel endangered by the elder, who needs removed from your home right away---or if from her home,
Officials in that process may put her into a mental health screen holding room for 72 hours, unless her mental condition is already on record,
in which case she may be hospitalized briefly, then moved to whatever facility has an open bed for her.
[[[this is so traumatic, so, best to go with --assisting her to choose-- between the previously chosen facilities, to hopefully go willingly, once you have put it plainly that she must move to a new place.]]]
I hope things come around soon, for you and Mom!
You have part of your case already made--a nurse documented it, and your family all refuse to shelter her. The nurse has hopefully charted that well, so that a Doc will take note, and confirm that, in her chart.
Frame that in terms of "protecting Dad from Mom's deteriorating state of mind and behaviors"
She no doubt wants to feel some level of control in her life--she has lost so much, and that is scary--people act badly based just on that!
So, gather information about a few Assisted Living Places.
Pamphlets, services included in the monthly cost, and how that cost is covered.
Interview those places, tour them.
Some folks go have lunch there and hang around the social areas to get a feel for how the place is run....at least then you have a feel for which ones seem the better options.
Reduce the choices to 2.
Make sure each of the choices has a room currently open for her.
It is also important to acknowledge her feelings,
yet, be firm about the need to move her to one of those places on the list.
Put it similar to how one does for a child who has trouble making choices,
[ or doesn't want to];
Included statements like these to help steer her to "her" own choice:
----"Mom, I know Assisted Living places are not how you imagined living,
but, right now, this is the best solution to make sure you keep getting proper care"
----"Here are 2 good choices of Assisted Living places, which have been interviewed to make sure they are OK."
----"WE can talk over each of them, to see which one you prefer."
----"Mom, did you know you can have some of our own things in your room with you?" "There are more people there who understand what you are going through."
----"IF you cannot choose, I [or we, in case of multiple siblings working together] will choose for you, since one must be found now."
She will NOT like having to choose to accept going to an assisted living place, and MAY throw several kinds of tantrums [real ugly, in an adult size!]
but she will most likely go for being part of the choosing process, rather than letting someone else chose for her.
You will want, also, to have Social Services in on this loop
--make sure they know her condition, and that you will need help getting her moved to the facility/ help getting her to accept the move at any level.
AND, have Social Services in on the whole thing, because at one point or another, she or another relative might start slinging accusations of "elder abuse". Happens all the time.
Please keep us posted how it goes!
I know this is hard
--I flunked the process, since at that time, I didn't know what to do, to get the help we needed to get the process to run more smoothly.
I pray you get the help needed to help the process go smoothly!
{{{hugs!}}}
In your case there may be a little more hope. Your mother has dementia, right? People in their "right mind" have the legal right to make poor and even self-destructive decisions. But when people become legally incompetent then the person they appointed to act for them can step in and make decisions in their best interest.
Who has Power of Attorney for your mother?
However, we would love it if you kept coming back to learn from those of us who walk a mile in similar shoes every hour of every day. We would be very grateful for the benefit of your suggestions on topics that fit in with YOUR life experiences.
From experience I can only say you must do what you believe is RIGHT, if not what is BEST for your circumstance. Pray for wisdom, search, wait then apply whatever God has brought to you. And it will probably be more than one solution. That way whatever choice you make with the options given to you, you will not be wrong.
Try diverting the subject at hand OFTEN - get a medical POA - and move forward with her care. Competency issues are tough at best.
Best wishes...
IS some documentation of her bad behaviors.
Get copies of that, for your files, as part of the case to present to her Docs to get her declared--but you need some more documentation.
---Record it if you can, using a micro-cassette recorder, and saving the tapes, labeling them with dates/times.
But if Mom has always been a certain amount of that kind of behaviors,
and can present herself well,
it will take hours longer than the standard 2-hour Social Worker evaluation, if you have nothing else to show them.
---DOES Mom get worse after sundown [Sundowner's Syndrome?]
---HAS she gotten worse during the last few years?
---DOES she have symptoms of mental illness left undiagnosed for her lifetime [very common], which may be diagnosed now [again, you MUST have documentation of signs and symptoms]
---HAVE there been substance abuse issues, or any sort of brain injuries [even in childhood]?
---HAS she behaved badly on record [like, been thrown off a Senior bus permanently, or, had police to the home when she reports thefts that she invented, etc]
---IS there any other kind of documentation showing her "behaviors are a danger to herself or others"?
--HAS she made threats about wishing Dad dead, in any form, before, especially connected with her ability to use the money?
---HAVE any police reports been called in for Mom's behaviors causing harm to herself or others?
---HAVE any reports been made to Social Workers, Crisis Lines, etc., about Mom's behaviors or threats?
---HAS Mom demonstrated she is far stronger when she really wants something, than she appears?
---HAVE her meds changed, perhaps contributing to her bad behaviors?
IF a person wants to spend their money, bury it, burn it, give it away to total strangers, or otherwise disappear it,
it SEEMS, to date, families and caregivers have little recourse, without the person being "certifiable", to prevent them doing weird things with their money.
BUT, if the person demonstrates any behaviors that might be dangerous to themselves or others
--ANY others--
that can be an opening for getting them assessed incompetent,
which would, in effect, prevent them using their funds inappropriately
---you just have to make sure whoever is in charge, is taking good care of same, in the person's stead.
It is AWFUL to watch people deteriorate, worse, parents.
It can be wretched to do the hands-on care-giving when someone behaves like that. Your home health nurse needs alternates to give a respite!
Even siblings can flip-flop between desperately wanting to provide care for their elder, yet being terribly vulnerable to that demented elder [even if it has been going on most of their lives!] causing them to want to disassociate from those same elders.
"Incompetent and irrationl,or just plain old mean?" YES! To all three!
We just took our Mom to a neurologist and her regular doctor and they're ready to sign commitment papers and put her away. She's always been difficult, controlling and abusive (too light of a choice of words, but you get the idea) and now the Dementia is bringing out the worst in her.
It's a tough position. You have to get control of the money for the sake of the parents, but you have to remember it's NOT YOUR MONEY and you have to make sure none of it "sticks to your fingers" as it goes through your hands.
The courts should step in at some point and audit whoever is handling the money. My advice is keep a $100 digital camera handy to take snap shots of receipts and transactions and know how to switch it to video. My Canon is great! (The $100 Nikon's have a lag time between shots)
CYBS! (cover yer back side)