Follow
Share

My father-in-law has had SEVERAL incidents of forgetting where he is, driving to one place and ending up in a completely different place, taking eight hours to drive five miles... Part of the problem is my mother in law has her head in the sand. She had him an appointment to be evaluated, and was not going to tell him what it was for (he was in a major wreck a year ago and has been at the Dr. almost daily, so she could have pulled it off), anyway, she ended up telling him what it was for, and of course, he refused to go. He's still driving and my concern is that aside from getting lost, he's going to hurt himself or someone else. Is there anything a non-spouse can do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

18 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Try not to be too hard on your mother-in-law in all this mess. It seems that women of a certain age/certain upbringing acquiesce and tell their husbands everything even when they will acknowledge privately to you or others, that what you suggest is for the good and safety of not only their spouse but the general public. Perhaps it's a matter of loyalty or habit in her mind. Perhaps she, in her own way, wants to remember when your father-in-law was capable and doesn't want to face the fact that he isn't anymore. :: shrugs :: Is your mother-in-law going dotty but not as bad as your father-in-law so you've overlooked it? That's another possibility. More than likely, it's a combination of several things.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
A family friend who was practically my grandmother had a horrible accident years ago whe. She was alive. She was at a swap meet here ok in AZ and accidentally pressed the gas instead of the brakes and ran her car into a group of people. She just injured multiple people and killed an elderly man. It absolutely devastated her and broke her financially. She had Parkinson's and I think dementia and should have stopped driving many years before that. She was about 87 when it happened and was big news here. Very sad.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I hear that tires can suddenly just whoomp, go flat on a car just sitting in the garage; that important stuff that makes the car run just disappears off of the car. In my mother's case, she lost her keys she thought, but the neighbor had taken them and kept them safe. Thank God. Never told anybody he had them until after the car sold.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Do these parents have an attorney, a living will, a trust or anything that would enable you to get help from an attorney, who could think of a reason to call these parents in to 'review' things and then have a conversation with them that leads to 'it's time to set up a POA or get things arranged before your health care gets so bad no one but the state can help you..." Most people in this age bracket do not want the gov't in their lives and will listen to that. When my Dad was not listening....even with me having POA....his dementia caused him to not listen or make sensible decisions. I want home care in the home, and both parents were flatly denying that they needed home care..... I set up a couple anonymous calls to their house by police for a welfare check....and then the lawyer and I, together set it up to have a conversation about how if people kept calling the police into the situation, the police would call Adult Protective Services or take dad away for a mental health eval and then he or me or us could not be involved in ANY decisions because a judge or gov't agencies would be deciding how to keep them safe and whether one or the other had to leave the home. Dad didn't want that, and agreed to 'try' a home care worker for a month. The lawyer said if we had an agency involved, with a case manager and some help coming to the home, the gov't would leave them alone. After a month of trying a worker coming in, of course, with his dementia, Dad didn't remember the agreement and it was a new 'habit' he just went along with. Also, what is his wife health here? She is sounding like she may have some dementia also....if she's not willing to create a plan? Can your husband talk with her? Is she overwhelmed? Does she understand that if someone is injured, or there is an accident and police think her husband is not reliable, they can mandate this 72 hour hold for eval and they can be sued for all their assets etc. because he caused an accident that injured someone. It seems to me, if not in place already, it's time for an eldercare attorney and to get some of these financial things in place....trust, POA, health evaluations and then move to create short and long term plans for each of them with their involvement to the extent they are able. If parents have dementia, someone needs to have responsibility for them, and at that time, your job.....or your husband's in this case, becomes keeping them safe. NOT keeping them happy and doing whatever they want....but keeping them safe. If they can be kept happy at the same time, fine, create a plan that includes what they want. But safety is the dominant responsibility. Get help in the home, so others can drive for him and relieve his wife from feeling alone and over burdened. If that doesn't work, then it moves on to considering placement.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Do these parents have an attorney, a living will, a trust or anything that would enable you to get help from an attorney, who could think of a reason to call these parents in to 'review' things and then have a conversation with them that leads to 'it's time to set up a POA or get things arranged before your health care gets so bad no one but the state can help you..." Most people in this age bracket do not want the gov't in their lives and will listen to that. When my Dad was not listening....even with me having POA....his dementia caused him to not listen or make sensible decisions. I want home care in the home, and both parents were flatly denying that they needed home care..... I set up a couple anonymous calls to their house by police for a welfare check....and then the lawyer and I, together set it up to have a conversation about how if people kept calling the police into the situation, the police would call Adult Protective Services or take dad away for a mental health eval and then he or me or us could not be involved in ANY decisions because a judge or gov't agencies would be deciding how to keep them safe and whether one or the other had to leave the home. Dad didn't want that, and agreed to 'try' a home care worker for a month. The lawyer said if we had an agency involved, with a case manager and some help coming to the home, the gov't would leave them alone. After a month of trying a worker coming in, of course, with his dementia, Dad didn't remember the agreement and it was a new 'habit' he just went along with. Also, what is his wife health here? She is sounding like she may have some dementia also....if she's not willing to create a plan? Can your husband talk with her? Is she overwhelmed? Does she understand that if someone is injured, or there is an accident and police think her husband is not reliable, they can mandate this 72 hour hold for eval and they can be sued for all their assets etc. because he caused an accident that injured someone. It seems to me, if not in place already, it's time for an eldercare attorney and to get some of these financial things in place....trust, POA, health evaluations and then move to create short and long term plans for each of them with their involvement to the extent they are able. If parents have dementia, someone needs to have responsibility for them, and at that time, your job.....or your husband's in this case, becomes keeping them safe. NOT keeping them happy and doing whatever they want....but keeping them safe. If they can be kept happy at the same time, fine, create a plan that includes what they want. But safety is the dominant responsibility. Get help in the home, so others can drive for him and relieve his wife from feeling alone and over burdened. If that doesn't work, then it moves on to considering placement.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Just before my husband was diagnosed with dementia, he came home about 8 times with unexplained damage to our car, within about 6 weeks. He said he didn't know what happened. He also was getting lost when driving. A family member, doctor, or the police can report your father to the state motor vehicle bureau and they will send a request for him to be tested. You don't have to give your name and your father won't find out who reported him. They will send the paperwork to be filled out by his doctor. It worked with my husband and he hasn't been allowed to drive for 4 years. I was very thankful because I had the same fears as you. I hope this helps.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Oh also, when he does see his drs he makes it like he is doing just fine and nothing is wrong. He is then trying to turn it into that I am the one who has too much to do, or not doing something right...I am very afraid that when the dr starts to question him more on what is happening to him, he will try even harder to lie and be sneaky...I love my dad and I am already the DPOA for both dad and mom, but I am only trying to help him and make right decisions instead of bad ones...I don't want to take it any further legally but I think I may have to also at least contact our family atty just to let him know what is progressing...my brother is of no help whatsoever since he is easily manipulated into doing things my dad tells him to do, and also my mom. He has no backbone and doesn't like conflict. So, it all falls on me but I have my own personal and family dealings that also require attention but my dad is by far the hardest to handle. I will be contacting his PCP, our family atty and also my mom's gerontologist to notify them. Thank you all.....any other suggestions ???
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom has already been evaluated and diagnosed with having Alzheimers and has been somewhat frustrating and difficult as any caregiver knows. Now, after 3 yrs of my dad surviving a life-threatening illness he is starting to show somewhat the same signs. Maybe not quite Alzheimers, but definitely dementia. They are both 81 yrs old and not in good health at all. My dad however, is going to be more resistant and more difficult to handle as time goes on. I think he is thinking that he knows what is happening to him and that makes him more resistant and hard to help. I am always, always keeping in mind his dignity; in fact, when he was in the hospital/ICU in/out for 5 months he was deemed 'incompetent' and has not been removed from that. I never told him of it because I knew he would be extremely difficult to be around. He is causing so much commotion and anxiety in my health and in even my mom and brother (who lives with them)...yes, and my mom has Alzheimers and SHE feels the extra anxiety !!! My brother complains also, and now it has got to me, too. I will be contacting his PCP and hopefully start him on some anxiety meds to slow him down a little and ease everyone's tension level...his blood pressure skyrockets periodically, and he has difficulty sleeping, very irritable, forgetful, paranoid, mean, controlling, losing interest in things, is always cold, very cold...he is also making some very bad decisions lately that affect my mom's Alzheimers meds, and financial decisions without my knowledge until they are already made....I take him to all his dr appts and his heart illness is doing very well but I think the dementia age-related or ??? is catching up to him...he's just wearing down he's been thru alot...Thanks, I needed to say all this...peace be with you all...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My mom was already showing signs of dementia/ALZ when my dad became life-threatening ill suddenly. While he was in ICU the first nite, my mom made a comment that she was going to 'go back to the hospital that nite' to visit....I became quite alarmed and went back to their house and took their car. I felt bad but not that bad when I knew it was for everyone's safety !!! My mom was also on medications that she shouldn't be driving anyway so I felt that I made the right decision. I couldn't let more tragedy happen; it was difficult enough hoping my dad would survive and that my mom wouldn't harm herself or anyone else. Now I'm glad I did it... I figured I saved someone's life.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Good advice from all.

It's true that you can't physically force someone to be evaluated, so getting third party official support is the way to go. If you get support from the DMV by reporting the driving issues maybe they will revoke his license until he's been evaluated.

The original plan was a good one, so it's too bad that his wife told him why he was going to the doctor. But you can't help what's been done. I'd try calling the DMV and reporting him. Other than that, you may not be able to do too much since you aren't his spouse. If his wife will allow you to literally take away the keys and/or disable the car that may help but he'll make her life very difficult so she's likely to cave.

Good luck with this frustrating problem. He needs to be off the road and you need official backup to do it. It's easy to watch videos that tell you to "talk with him," but as you're finding out, it's not that simple. I hope your DMV will back you up.

Keep us posted on how this goes!
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Contact your local MVD and report what you told us. They can make him take a driver's test, take away his license, but it is up to his wife to take away the keys. Danger situation. Get it resolved fast before he kills himself or others.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
yes-take their keys away also so they don't drive till evaluated
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Call your primary care doc. Tell him/her that you need help getting him to stop driving. Whether or not he has a dementia diagnosis is really irrelevant at this point. You need to get him off the road. I finally confiscated my Dad's car when he was in the hospital. It wasn't pretty but just maybe I saved someone's life.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Be careful when they lose their license by no means will it stop their driving. Take their license cancel their insurance and see what happened when they wreck . Think before you leap.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
can you get him to do an downloaded test from the internet like a SAGE test and then take the test to the dr's office. definitely get him turned in to DMV-you do not need to submit your name.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You fill out a DDS-270 "request for driver evaluation" Down load the form from the Georgia website at dds.ga.gov Very simple
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Check with DMV. You may be able to report him as an unsafe driver.

So, these are your inlaws? Where is your spouse this discussion ?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
To answer your question, you can't force someone to go to the Dr. You can't hog-tie your FIL and put him in the car and carry him into the office. Unfortunately, your MIL had a prime opportunity to have your FIL evaluated before she spilled the beans about the real reason for the appointment.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter