My parents have nighttime care help (8pm to 8 am when it should really be the other way) but, we live in an area that is facing an artic zone forecast through next Thursday. We use private caregivers, an amazing brother sister duo who alternate nights. They've gotten there the last two nights but I suspect they won't be able to make it one night soon, and I certainly understand that. They don't live close, and it's going to be negative 30 tomorrow night. I enrolled my parents with a caregiving agency. However, they charge in advance and my parents don't have enough remaining credit on the credit card the agency has (also, they don't exactly jump at the chance for last minute requests). I don't have any available credit or money. Plus, I've been on this board for years and I'm committed to letting them fail. That said, I talked to them today and made my usual pointless attempt to explain that AL has back-up generators and staff. My mom said, "Oh please. Our lights are flickering but fine and your dad is over there doing his ABCs. Stop exaggerating." So basically, two toddlers (one doing ABCs and one who can't walk) are living together with flickering lights. Obviously, we are not headed in a good direction. I live 30 minutes from my parents, and if they call me tomorrow night if (and likely when) their power goes out, I will feel awful for not going. Even worse, I doubt they would call me. I bet they will be discovered eventually when a caregiver can show up or the police show up or I cave and show up. I'm committed to not going - I have my own kid, and my own financial issues and I'm also cold and shouldn't be traveling in this weather. And I can't fix broken power anyway. But I really, really don't want them (and therefore me) to end up on the news. I have called the police and they're on the elderly watch list. I know the police call during severe weather and if my parents don't answer within three attempts at contact (a regular issue because again, they cannot do basic things like hang up or answer a phone), the police will visit. Still, I feel crappy and it keeps me up at night. I called APS once. No help. Do I just let my parents die tragically and end up on the news? Which means I'll end up on the news? If that happens, I also fear I'll completely seize the opportunity to tell all old people to listen to their children when they tell them to move into AL but I doubt I'll say it in a kind, calm way. My mom has POA over my dad and she's an amazing bullshi**er to doctors and everyone else. So I feel like my hands are tied. And I'm tired and cold.
I sure hope it doesn't come to that. If it does.. we know you did all you could.
In fact, call APS once a month.
If the state authorities deem your parents competent to make bad decisions, you have no reason to feel guilt. Just very sad.
Let whoever you speak to at APS know that they are on a recorded line and tell them what's going on with the parents.
Tell them every time that you are not legally able to remove them from their home against their will because that would be kidnapping. Also, that they both have dementia and are basically two toddlers living alone in a house. Get every call recorded though. What will end up happening is if something happens to your parents because APS did nothing, they always try to make family into a scapegoat. I have seen this happen.
I'm glad you are staying strong and refusing to enable your parents' asinine nonsense and stubbornness. There's really nothing you can do. APS and the courts are the only one who can force sense and safety on them.
Calling APS or the police to do a wellness check is the only thing I can think of but if there's a widespread power outage, they will be overwhelmed by calls.
How old are they? Do they have any medical/health issues? Do they take any medications to treat health issues? I'm asking because sometimes this impacts body temp regulation.
Please understand that you cannot reason with unreasonable, uncooperative people and make them do things they resolutely don't want to do -- especially if you have no PoA or legal authority to force them to do things in their own best interests. You can feel grief but not guilt -- you've done nothing wrong.
If the temps in their home drop (even to 50º), and therefore their body temperatures, they will shiver (this is the body's response) but then may feel warm (which is the body's last ditch effort to open the floodgates of its blood vessels). Eventually they will feel lethargic... hypothermia can feel like falling asleep. Please forgive me, I'm not trying to be morbid or tone-deaf, but trying to "comfort" you that many seniors exit in a much worse manner than this.
Please work on having peace in your heart that you've done everything possible to help people who didn't plan well and resisted everyone's very selfless attempts.
Give us an update if possible.
You're right about the lethargy, It can start, I'll get up at say 11 am, then that goes to 2 pm, then 5 pm, then screw it, I'll get up tomorrow.
They--the toddler-- may WELL end up on the news. Along with many others. Last night I heard about the facts that our cities are completely overwhelmed with immigrants and unhoused. I looked at my husband and said "People are going to die in this weather.".
So that's a fact.
Now we have a situation here.
Were it me I would be driving the truck over ASAP and I would be saying "GET IN THE TRUCK NOW". No discussion, no nothing. I'd take them home, watch movies, pop popcorn, light the fire.
I would be driving them to my home and get through this storn.
They say no?
Then no it is.
And you are right. They may die in their home.
We will hear many news stories. The cops cannot take care of them all. APS can do nothing.
My heater died today (I mean this. No pilot). We live in San Francisco, so, you know, no problem. We will see a low of 40 degrees today. I am putting on the warm socks and a dog sweater for our little Foster dog.
But across the midwest folks are going to be doing any number of creative things that are
GOING TO KILL THEM DEAD
and every year we read about families succumbing to having brought a big barbeque kettle into the house to heat it and dying of CO2.
I am sorry. Your parents are lucky to have family that cares. Others don't. Or families live across the country or states away as mine does.
Cars die on the roads. People freeze. It is SAID to be such an easy death that many use it as a final exit on purpose.
I just am so sorry. You are bright. You know the choices. But you cannot force anyone to do anything.
This crisis of parents living unsafe is ungoing and you aren't alone.
And I always say that at some point something WILL happen. We have had Forum members who tried and tried to intervene and who were unable and who lost parents who refused to live in a safe manner. One woman's mother died lying on the floor.
I don't know. Perhaps the parents would make the same choice again. We can't ask them.
I sure wish the best of luck to you and hope you will update us. If your parents won't come home take the sleeping bags to their house. Hope they are sub zero types. Just read a book about the last hermit, lived in the Maine Woods for 26 years. Outside every winter. Lived. No fires. Afraid they would get him caught. Great book, by the by, by Michael Finkel.
Best out to you. Have a CO2 alarm. They're cheap. Who knows what unsafe heating method they might try.
I would ask again that APS evaluate your parents saying its not safe for them to live on there own. That they will not listen to you. You want a record so you can't be held liable if something happens to them. APS is separate from Office of Aging where I live. If APS does not help call O of A and ask if they can help.
How are your parents faring through the weather?