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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Sorry if this sounds brusque, as it's not meant to, but life has taught me that you can't make anyone understand what they haven't experienced or what they really have little desire to understand. And you don't owe everyone an explanation of your choices, if you know you're doing your best, then go forward, and if others don't get it, it's their problem not yours.
You don't owe her an explanation but, if it comes up again, you can tell her it's healthy that you take time away from your loved one and that you have healthy boundaries. Ask her whether or not she will martyr herself for a loved one. If she says yes, run away. If she says no, then ask her why she is judging you harshly for doing what's best for you.
You can't make her understand. And if she is critical of you for something she doesn't understand, I have to question how a good a friend she really is. With friends like that, who needs critics?
Respite ... time to ourselves ... is the number one way to stay sane. Staying sane is pretty valuable when you are caring for a loved one. Burnout is very bad for all concerned.
Perhaps you can lower your expectations of this friendship, and downgrade it to a casual acquaintance that you occasionally do things with.
There are a lot of people who feel that the wife should always be there, no matter what. Couples need some time apart even when there is no health problem. When there is a problem that requires caregiving, vacations are so helpful. Even if we love our mates, it is still quite a job to care for them.
The only thing I would say is not to let her feelings make you feel like you're doing anything wrong. She just doesn't understand.
I agree with the writers above, unless one has been in the trenches with caregiving, they will never understand. Especially if the health issue is Alzheimer's/Dementia [as you had posted on your profile].
One of my best friends stopped calling me because I never had time to go out and do things with her. Her parents were the same age as my parents, but her parents lived way out of state and her siblings and their children were doing all the heavy work. She did call them, sent money, flew out to see everyone, but wasn't under the umbrella of doing caregiving around the clock.
I even had caregivers helping out but I was too drained to go anywhere, just from all the stress.
Maybe she would volunteer to stay with your LO so you can get time away. After a few hours I bet she would gain a better understanding. If not, so be it. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone!
This "friend" is a 100% waste of your time. Life's too short. Move on. If you're willing to take a break from caregiving, then you should be willing to meet new friends. The next time your "friend" says something critical, tell her to sit with your loved one - for one entire day - dawn to dusk - while you are out taking a break. She'll stop being critical of you - immediately. I guarantee you this. I personally get so sick and tired of people passing judgment on my situation - but don't bother to ask what I'm actually doing on a daily basis for my mother. I don't even talk to my core group of friends anymore because they were passing too much judgment - and I got tired of hearing it. I have a lot going with my mother - I don't have to time convince my "friends" that what I'm doing is best for her.
I'm sorry your friend's lack of understanding is hurting you. Its true what the others said, she will not understand because she does not walk in your shoes. Kindly tell her, you need to be with your loved one. And you find her questions hurtful.
I too was always taking care of my dad. I never felt like I could take time away unless it was to run errands. I turned down everything from lunch dates to going out to the movies. But for myself its not a regret because I wanted to be with my dad. I was always afraid he would die on me and he did. And now that I have the time to do a little for myself, I still don't feel like it very much because I miss my dad so much.
Please do what you feel is right. And let others think whatever they want. Its your life. Your choices. Its never easy being a caregiver, but do what you feel is right. Thinking of you.
She shouldn't judge, but if it helps ask her to imagine caring for a helpless person who fully and completely demands everything from you. You need to rest to be able to fulfill your care duties. That's all, you wouldn't go to work if you had a flu so bad that you couldn't function, well your now your just preventing the flu with rest.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Respite ... time to ourselves ... is the number one way to stay sane. Staying sane is pretty valuable when you are caring for a loved one. Burnout is very bad for all concerned.
Perhaps you can lower your expectations of this friendship, and downgrade it to a casual acquaintance that you occasionally do things with.
The only thing I would say is not to let her feelings make you feel like you're doing anything wrong. She just doesn't understand.
One of my best friends stopped calling me because I never had time to go out and do things with her. Her parents were the same age as my parents, but her parents lived way out of state and her siblings and their children were doing all the heavy work. She did call them, sent money, flew out to see everyone, but wasn't under the umbrella of doing caregiving around the clock.
I even had caregivers helping out but I was too drained to go anywhere, just from all the stress.
I'm sorry your friend's lack of understanding is hurting you. Its true what the others said, she will not understand because she does not walk in your shoes. Kindly tell her, you need to be with your loved one. And you find her questions hurtful.
I too was always taking care of my dad. I never felt like I could take time away unless it was to run errands. I turned down everything from lunch dates to going out to the movies. But for myself its not a regret because I wanted to be with my dad. I was always afraid he would die on me and he did. And now that I have the time to do a little for myself, I still don't feel like it very much because I miss my dad so much.
Please do what you feel is right. And let others think whatever they want. Its your life. Your choices. Its never easy being a caregiver, but do what you feel is right. Thinking of you.
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