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My brother who is POA and Guardian has whipped my 77 yr old Dad up and put him in a home before he is ready. Two weeks ago my Dad had an infection and was bleeding from his penis. He went to hospital and while he had this infection he was also very hallucinatory. He already has dementia so this was not looking good. As he was getting better he was very aggressive and wanted to go home to Mum. His outbursts and trying to leave the hospital, even trying to get out a window, made him a high risk patient. All this frightened my 80 yr old Mother and she didn't want to take him home. It's so sad because the whole reason for his behavior was he wanted to go home with my Mum as he frets for her and she is the only person he remembers every minute of his day. He has now been put in a home and my brother, who has a controlling nature, did not have a family meeting to discuss Dad's care. He cancelled a meeting the Doctors were going to have with the family and refused to allow my Dad to go to one of my sister's to take him to her home and care for Dad. Now my sisters and him are in the hugest personal, tit for tat, vindictive, family feud. They won't be talking with my Mum and can't deal with seeing Dad in the home, so those two people will suffer for this. It is a mess. It is terrible to see Dad not understanding why he has gone into a hospital and then taken onto a home and never being able to return home with Mum and be with his dogs. My sister who wanted to care for him has a lovely country home with many animals and I would have liked to seen him given the chance to go there. I want to get Dad reassessed or examined by a medical professional of Dementia. My Dad is very capable, he can make his own coffee, wash dishes, shower and go to toilet by himself. He has said he isn't as bad as the other people in the home and he is right. They are really deteriorated. He said he feels like committing suicide. In Australia our laws are different to America. They may even be different in each state of Australia too but I don't know how to find out. I want to challenge my brother as he is so completely unreasonable and is very much enjoying telling us he is the boss of Dad and what he says goes. Someone please tell me what legal and medical help I can get to diffuse this situation. At the moment I am sitting on the fence to calmly look at all angles. I also don't want my brother to have any ammunition against me until I can research and get the advice I need.

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I don't know anything about the legal status of your brother's decisions. I agree with Pam and Maggie that you should do some research and also, perhaps, consult a legal professional in your father's location.

What I want to address is what I see as the key of your message: "my 80 yr old Mother ... didn't want to take him home."

You think that Dad was not ready for placement for round-the-clock care. But generally the criterion for when is it time for placement of a married elder is "when the spouse can no longer provide adequate care." In a sense, it is more about whether Mum is ready than whether Dad is. I took care of my husband at home throughout his dementia journey. I was in my 60s, not my 80s. It is a 24/7 constant demand high stress situation. It has rewards, certainly. I am grateful I was able to do it. But if I had not been there and able to do it, he could have (and would have had to) be placed in a care center the first year he was diagnosed.

You have two parents in a world of hurt right now. They both need your help, your understanding, and your support. While you are sorting out the legalities and Dad is in a care center, be sure that mother gets to visit him as often as she wishes. Find out if she can bring a dog to visit him. Assure Mom that you are so grateful she was able to care for him as long as she was. Don't do anything to feed her inevitable feelings of failure or guilt.

Your dad can be reevaluated at any time. It can wait until the legalities are sorted out. As the infection is totally cleared up and his hallucinations clear up (we hope) and he calms down, it is possible that an evaluation will conclude he could be cared for in a private home, perhaps with some in-home care.

But, Mum is no longer able/willing to be his 24/7 caregiver. Believe me, caring for someone with dementia is only marginally easier when they can toilet themselves and do tasks like wash dishes. They still have dementia 24 hours a day. And dementia get worse. Always. He may improve dramatically when the infection is gone, but he will still have dementia and it will very definitely get worse.

So ... let us say that Dad gets another assessment and he COULD be discharged from the home. Where is he going to go? You suggest that he goes to one of his daughters. Maybe that would work and maybe that would be a disaster. Has that woman spent a lot of time helping Mum take care of Dad? Has Dad spend some time at her house so that Mum could have some respite? Or is this being proposed out of the blue, and this would be her first exposure to 24/7 dementia care? Does she have family living with her? Will her house accommodate a walker? A wheelchair? (That Dad doesn't need these now says nothing about the near future.) What will she do if he tries to escape out a window to go back to Mum and his dogs?

"Oh Dad isn't so bad. He can still take a shower and wash dishes," is wishful thinking. He might be better off than most of the people in the care center he is in. Someone always is the least afflicted and someone is always the most -- but that doesn't mean they don't belong where they are.

Brother may be so controlling for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't necessarily mean he is doing the wrong thing. As you are sitting on the fence trying to evaluate this, try to focus on what is best for your parents, and try to leave brother's annoying personality out of your considerations.
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Look up "Guardianship Australia" and law sites will pop up. A Guardian has limited powers, they do not "put him in a home". The Guardian must, by law, consult with the doctors and get the Judge's approval for placement. He has to keep everything confidential about the person and the estate.
You and your sisters should continue to support your Mum, and do your research about Guardianship. It's really out of your brother's hands. He signs the papers, and that is a hard hard thing to have to do.
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The fact that he was trying to climb out of window to go home indicates he's not thinking clearly. It's so hard. We'd like to think that when we think it's "time" to put our parent(s) in a nursing home that they'd acquiesce and agree with us that, "Yeah, I agree." Well, truth be told? They hardly ever do, NOBODY wants to leave home.

Listen to Pam. As far as I'm concerned, she's one of our site experts. My only advice to you is not to fan the flames. Continue to be as neutral as you can. There's enough animosity already. Realize that your brother is probably doing exactly what he thinks is the right thing. That's why your dad chose him. It's not easy for him either.
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Thank you everyone so far who has written back to me. I visited Mum and Dad regularly before Dad went to hospital and always saw how much it got to Mum. When Mum and I were by ourselves I would ask Mum how she was and tell her anytime she was ready we could have Dad go into a Nursing Home. She was always reluctant about it because she felt sorry for Dad. I am certainly in favour of my Mum having quality time now in her last years. At age 80 she should not have to care for anyone anymore. Yes, unfortunately my Sisters think she is selfish to not let him go home but more so because she didn't support my sister's interest in caring for him. I don't want my Dad living with my sister because I don't believe she will cope but in the back of my mind I'm always haunted with wishing we had given it a go. What has been missed in this whole situation is the opportunity to meet together and discuss Dads situation, care and Doctors advice. I visited Dad yesterday with my husband and he also thinks my Dad is not disabled enough to be with, as my Dad puts it, Zombies. If I could I would find another solution to his care. I would love to see him in his own little villa with his own garden. Perhaps with a regular carer and Meals On Wheels delivering his meals. It is only when you see him that you realise how clever he is and it is sad because he is a man with many unanswered questions. What makes it worse for me too is I don't know how to answer his questions of why he is where he is. As to my brother. Well, honestly, this is the first time he has ever stepped up to the plate and done his job. Of this I am thankful. I don't believe, however, that he will continue to visit my Dad. His job is done. Oh well time will tell. For now I am there for my parents and I don't care for the pathetic sibling rivalry that has been going on. I am also becoming Mums POA so no doubt I will be keeping in touch with you all for further advice of this new position. Thanks Again.
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Hello Everyone again, Countrymouse you ask about the nursing home. It is a lovely one but and unfortunately there is always a but, the inpatients look pretty bad, one walks around yelling another sings out loud and worse still while we were visiting one woman defecated in front of us. They are zombies to me too wandering into Dad's room thinking its the passage, I have to lead them back out to the office. Every time I'm there it reminds me of the movie One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. Funny enough Dad actually looks like Jack Nicholson. The inpatients are very advanced in their dementia. I know Dad will be like that too but he isn't yet. Addison, yes Dad had UTI which is exactly why he is now much better and back to who he was before he went to hospital. Mum cannot have him with her because the risk of infections making his personality change is too high and caring for a dementia patient, no matter how good or bad he is, is tough when you're 80. I will look into assisted care living in a residential care facility to see what is available but I doubt Brother will change his decision.You know I can accept all that is happening to Dad if I could just know that he will settle and accept where he is. While he is so about his wits just doesn't suit for him to be locked away with those types of inpatients. I do thank you all for all the comments and advice you are giving me. It does help me get a better angle on everything. Writing to you all is a big help in itself. Thanks !!!!!!
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I feel for you, but I can also see the other side of the story. Once they are to where any minor infection causes delirium, it may be too hard to handle in a private home with only one caregiver, be it Sis or Mom - hopefully not Mom as she has realized she can't do it any more and she is almost certainly quite right. Brother can see where this has gone already and probably does not feel he can handle to drama of things being tried out with Sis and likely failing. Maybe he could be in an assisted living instead of skilled care, and really, ideally, should be allowed to do the things he is able, but the full time supervision part is key.

The really sad part is that the sisters won't visit Dad in the home and aren't talking to Mom - are they angry with her for not keeping Dad home? OMG, is there anything to be done about that? The estrangement of everyone is taking a tough situation and making it a hundred times worse for everybody. PLEASE, as Jeanne says, make sure your deep desire to avoid facility care is not based on wishful thinking...as hard as it is to see and recognize in your own parent, there is probably no way to reverse Dad's condition.
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In Australia an enduring guardian can make all lifestyle choices, where the person lives, if they go to a home, what medications they take etc.
I suggest you make sure that your fathers doctor/ geriatrician is in regular contact with your father and brother so that you at least have another authoritve figure in the mix. And all siblings should put any alternative living plans to your brother and mother and so you can all workout what is best.
Your brother although controlling, may be thinking a home is best so that he is not laden with the caring role. If your sister wants to care for your father and that is what everyone else thinks is best for your father then your brother should listen and consider the option.
Good luck.
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vstefans has a good point. Mom has asked for a fridge, and #2 son wants to get her one. "Good" I said "You can be the one to eat all the rotten stuff she keeps in there". LOL
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Sorry I didn't get to finish what I was saying I hit the wrong button. Now getting back to my being POA etc was because Brother is a Nomad and will take off and travel whenever the bug bites him. Example, immediately after becoming POA, etc, he went away to another state that is 5 hrs by plane to find himself and he was going to be gone for 6 months. Mum was concerned and when he came back she asked him to change POA to me so that he could be free to travel. This was agreed upon but we couldn't get the forms as they were recalled because some laws changed and had to wait 'til they were printed which didn't happen in time. As I said in the past letters, first time Brother stepped up and did his job. Prior to Dad falling ill Brother never rang parents or visit them. There are many grievances I have about Brother and his lack of participation in Parents lives but I will continue to hope Dad is okay and visit him and Mum regularly. I am to be Mum's POA and Guardian and at the moment she's doing good but I think she is doubting Dad being where he is. When Mum and I were there 2 Days ago Mum said to me that she is glad she never put her Mother in a place like this. I asked her "why, would Nanna not have liked it", Mum replied with "Nanna would have hated it". On our way home, out of nowhere Mum said she didn't think she could have Dad come home now because of POA decision. She must have been thinking about Dad. I immediately told Mum "she shouldn't have Dad come home with her as she gets too exhausted and she should enjoy her peace and quiet and Dad will adjust but I wish Dad could be in a place of his own with full time carer". We chit chatted but I think she is confused and doubting the decision that has been made. I don't want her to feel guilt in anyway.
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Sofis, about the purchases:

You and your husband bought your Dad a recliner as a present. Appropriate and very nice of you.
Sister wants to get a fridge for your Dad. Er, and who's paying? That's the thing. If she wants to buy him a fridge as a present, she needs to get clear specifications and make sure it's the right size and model - then it would be very nice of her, and not just a flaming nuisance. And if actually she's expecting to order the fridge for your Dad but claim the money back, then your brother is correct and she does need his go-ahead.

In other words, although there may be a dearth of diplomatic language right now, your brother is not control-freaking, he is anxious to do this very difficult job well.

Anyway, though, that's actually the easy bit.

Now look. There is a world of difference between challenging your brother's decision, and asking pertinent, reasonable questions - also known as taking a loving interest - about your father's care. What about having the delicate conversation with your brother where you set out the ground rules? I agree that you really don't want to start from "I don't want Dad to be in here, how often are we going to have him assessed so we can get him out?" - because your brother's got enough on his plate without having to cope with a huge helping of uncertainty. So: you act on the assumption that your father is currently in the correct care setting, you work with that to see what can be done to maximise his quality of life, and (keeping it quietly to yourself) you keep an eye open for evidence that his move has been premature. If and only if there is abundant, unambiguous evident of that sort do you then go to your brother, present it to him, and suggest that the care might want to be stepped down.

Most men like clear decision making in most things, and if you've got to do something unpleasant, like incarcerate your own father, you want to get it decided and done and no going back. This would explain why your brother is going at it like a train. If you can make it clear to him that you accept the decision and now aim to make it work well for your father (always keep the focus tightly on his benefit), maybe your brother will stop cutting you off in mid-sentence. Email can be useful! - he might delete it but at least he can't interrupt you :)

But going back a bit, the image of your lovely, free father out there on horseback surveying the bush? Enjoy the memories with him, stop pretending those days are coming back. It'll be easier on both of you.
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