my mother is yrs old. i have been helping her for a long time. now she can't live alone anymore and wants me to move in with her. she has got a very negative attitude and nothing is ever right with her. i don't think i can live with her. i would be miserable and so make her miserable. i clean her house, buy her groceries, pay her bills, take her to dr.'s appointments and i'm wearing out. how can i get her to go to assisted living?
Try to get third party help with this. If there is a friend you and she trust or a spiritual leader, try to get that person to explain that she needs more help than you can give her. Also, you may get her doctor's help on this is you write her or him and ask.
The main thing is - don't give in. Tell her she needs more help that you can safely give and it's for her benefit that she live where she can get this help. Then remain firm. She will complain, but eventually you will get this accomplished.
Good luck. This will be hard.
Carol
She had her mild stroke and the hospital put her on antidepressants. This really made a difference in her outlook and behavior. My husband spoke with her about her inability to return home while she was in rehab. He could do this much better than any of her children because he didn't feel the resentment that we do from the past. He slowly convinced her that she really needed more care than any of us could give her. He emphasized that she would probably get more visits from family and have better times with them when they were not being her care givers. He also talked about how lonely she has been in her own home and how she would be around people. He spoke of the upkeep of being in her own home as opposed to being in a small apartment that had housekeeping and maintainance.
She saw that she needed to make the move and we moved her in yesterday. So far so good. Having an in-law instead of one of her children speak with her really helped us.
Good luck with your Mother and getting her to see the light.
All I told her was, if you go to one of those assisted living places and be around people your own age, you won't feel lonely any more. I tell her off and on the benefits of not feeling lonely or feeling bored, daily and hoping that it will eventually sink in.
If you haven't already, take your loved one to tour the assisted living places around your area. You don't want to tell them your coming. Just stop in. I found out that it is best if you do it around lunch time where your mom can sit in and eat with them. They may capture a smile or attention from others, and I believe it is the breaking ice for them to see that there are friends out there. I found out that after visiting them, that mom said , if she did chose to go, she would have gone to the more smaller home setting where there were only 12 in the house. She didn't seem to like the bigger facilities. So tell her you just want to go see them and that it doesn't mean she has to go there. Like I said, around your own area, they might even know somebody in there. Good Luck, I am also still working on this, so I am right there with ya!!
I really think without my husband and a stroke my mom would still be fighting us about the move to assisted living. She is adjusting and complains very little. Although she would never admit this to us she is happier there and enjoying the company of her peers. She is also more calm since she has 24/7 care available if she needs it. They also administer her meds so she is taking them consistently. The antidepressant she if finally taking is also doing its job.
Good luck with convincing your mom that it is time to go. I hope it all goes well for you. Several people told me it took a health crisis to convince thier parents to make the move.
I think it is much easier if you can talk parents into unloading that big, empty house BEFORE they need assisted living or a nursing home. If they can "downsize" to an apartment first, then it is not so hard to move to an ALF because there are no personal attachments to an apartment. Also, it gives them a chance to sort through their things in a less stressful situation.
Several years ago, when I saw that Mom's home was just too much to care for, I suggested that she sell her home and move to a regular senior apartment. At first she resisted, but finally discovered for herself how much free time she would have. She was no longer stressed about the upkeep of a home.
In regard to the discussion of ALFs. I found that getting "buy in" from your parent makes the transition so much easier. I would recommend discussing the topic, then leave it alone for awhile so that your parent can interanlize the idea. Then start gathering information and narrow your search to one or two facilities. Schedule a tour for your Mom. Sometimes fears dissolve when they actually see how nice these places are.
My Mom has a lovely, spacious apartment, lots of help, prepared meals that she loves, and nice people to visit with. And we can go back to being the helpful family again. It is a win-win.
As Carol said, it is good to recognize that you cannot live under the same roof....I think that it is challenging to combine two adult households under any circumstances.
good luck