My mother wears her clothes and puts them back in the closet dirty. She refuses to let me wash anything other than 1 pair of pajamas and socks that are in the hamper from the entire week....Lots of things are stained and have been worn many times. Her closet is starting to have an odor . She has moderate dementia and is in an assisted living. She is also now frequently refusing to take baths and is becoming a bit nasty with the aids on her floor. I have tried various ways to deal with this such as bringing a dry cleaning bag and telling her that I would take some clothes to the dry cleaners and sneaking some clothes out but she is adament that she wants me to leave the clothes alone because she "doesn't perspire or get dirty anymore" Any suggestions?
Laundry is done on Monday (by me) and I take all the dirty clothes. Early on I would go through her closet while she was in the bathroom or snoozing and get clothes I knew she had worn already. I used the same opportunity to get rid of clothes that didn't fit or were to far gone.
We had major battles initially about bathing but with perseverence and using her mother's teaching as the argument, I told Mom she had to bathe once a week. The dementia, however, was an issue because she no longer knew how to bathe without supervision and she would lose time and say she just bathed the day before. It's been a long battle but it goes pretty smoothly these days.
Something that helped, but was a battle in itself, was moving her into Depends and also finding out that she could no longer properly care for her feet. Again, standing firm, I made it through the battles and each day now I care for her feet and change her Depends without a battle. She is not yet incontinent but has some spotting issues so the Depends are a Godsend. In addition, when she does have incontinence problems, we'll already have her in them.
I've learned through all this to pick my battles. She doesn't get hot and sweaty nor does she do any dirty work so I let her wear an outfit for 2 to 3 days. I am monitoring the condition of her clothing on a daily basis when I take care of her feet and change her Depends so if they need changing (for example, food stains), I do it then and put them right into the dirty clothes. I make sure I show Mom the stain so she will know why I'm getting new clothes out. I also get out fresh clothes on each bath day so she ends up wearing a new outfit at least 3 times each week.
All this said, again I am coming from the perspective of being with her 24x7. Maybe others who have dealt closely with their loved ones in facilities can chime in with what worked for them.
I've met many people who assume their "uniforms" are still clean because they don't get out of the house much. Leaving things sitting in the hamper for over a week, however, doesn't make them ready to wear again.
When you feel you're getting mad, check out Alzheimer's.org for tips on how to handle things out of the ordinary and cope with behavioral changes.
Good luck my friend, and keep us posted.
-- ED
Good luck
She would wear the same things over and over even if they were dirty.
She did not want to get rid of anything even if was beyond wear (e.g. elastic rotten/worn out). We got her grandson to tell her
there was a "clothing drive" at his school and could she help him. Got rid of the majority of stuff and she was happy to do it. If I had suggested it, no way, but beloved grandson, of course.
Then we culled it down to a dz. outfits for warm & for cold that she can get in & out of without lots of buttons. The rest got
into boxes in her closet as she will NOT get rid of them - that's
fine and as others have said you choose your fights and this
one ain't worth it.
Also one of the staff @ her IL suggested that we get rid of
heavy coats, as it's just too hard for them to take off a hanger and put her arms through and then put on a hanger and lift
to put in a closet. And to get something in a bright color
when we got her a new coat (no black or dark tones)
We got a super lightweight raincoat with a heavy duty zip liner with raglan sleeves (bigger arm hole so it's easier). The zip liner stays in for cold months and out once it's warm. Bright purple. She can always find it and be spotted when they go
shopping......
Keep a sense of humor going no matter how mad she gets but be clear that you simply have to do the laundry. Period.
Just make a statement: "Mother, I am taking your clothes to wash them. You don't want to embarrass yourself by smelling."
(My Mother is always referring to being embarrassed about something, so I turn her own words on her. Works every time.) Of course, I am a very direct person, because I value my own life and time, so I don't worry about offending, since I do so much for her already!
Good Luck:)))
As for the shower, I now have to help Mom the entire time. I have found that getting pump shampoo & conditioner helps. It allows me to hold on to her and still get the shampoo without using 2 hands. Even better if you can use the shampoo & conditioner in one, with a pump.
I know it isn't easy to tell your parent what to do, but I have found that I just do what needs to be done and she doesn't complain. Of course everyone is different. Hope you got some tips that will help.
As for the shower, I now have to help Mom the entire time. I have found that getting pump shampoo & conditioner helps. It allows me to hold on to her and still get the shampoo without using 2 hands. Even better if you can use the shampoo & conditioner in one, with a pump.
I know it isn't easy to tell your parent what to do, but I have found that I just do what needs to be done and she doesn't complain. Of course everyone is different. Hope you got some tips that will help.
My relative had been in a NF for 2 1/2 months recovering from a hip fracture. She has been home for almost 1 yr. She is not able to bathe or dress herself, so she has caregivers. They bathe her every two days. She is afraid to get into the tub, so they give her a sponge bath. She too does not feel she perspires,so she wears her clothes for 2 days, unless she spills food on them. She generally wears a "shirtsaver" bib, but not always. So if she does spill something, they or I will thow the item in the clothes hamper. I take her laundry home with me every few days. I will give away anything that no longer fits to Goodwill and throw away anything that is shredding. I will replace anything that I get rid of. Also she only has seasonally appropriate clothes in her closet. Her summer capris are in another closet. Come spring, her sweat pants will go in that closet.
Not everyone has that ability to jump in and take charge from someone who previously held the "head of the family" role. I have four siblings that all will tell you that they could not do what I am doing. One brother even says that if he told Mom some of the things I have to say, she would just slap him. That said with humor but his point was taken - they struggle changing that parent-child relationship.
So, for those of you struggling, take small steps until you feel more comfortable. Pick your battles and most of all, when you say that something must be done, such as bathing, follow through. If you waver, you're dead and they won't let you take charge. They are like children.
Good luck!
You have an excellent attitude and give warm and comfortable advice. I did not post this thread, but I did appreciate your response for it's supportive, strong and positive point of view. Thanks!