How can I get my mother to get along with her caregivers?

RE:
"TECHNOLOGY: Since you can't be there all the time, how about installing a "granny-cam"? -- a hidden device that would record the truth about your mother's behavior and interaction with the caregiver. This could give you peace of mind and help you decide what’s best to do. (But maybe something you would NOT EVER tell either of them?)"

I think.. anyone would think that being recorded themselves without their knowledge/consent is unethical, immoral, deceitful and depending upon the circumstances illegal and serves as entrapment... so do not do to others as you would not have them do to you.
and Woooo Hoooo- what fireworks when you out their behavior and address possible remedy... a common enemy (you) may bring them together! LOL.. record That.. a great youtube!

However, as a 3rd party caregiver- a grannie cam could have saved me a lot of grief & outed grannie! So, perhaps.. tell them it is installed in all common/care providing areas, and then they may mind their p's and q's... use as a preventative objective 3rd party observer. These have motion sensors to record when there is action. Get acknowledgement/agreement of it in writing from all concerned in advance as a solution to prevent "issues".. and protect all concerned and stop the games.

I would consider adult day care. Get her out of the house. She can have activities with others and there will no chance for her to criticize.( Why do you need the house cleaned every day ?) Try not to feel guilty and possessed by mom. You can have a life. If she is so mean and spiteful, ask her if she is interested in assisted living, the next step. Good luck

No child has to take any type of abuse; no exceptions. If you cannot move out from your companions' area, perhaps it is time to place the affected companion into an assisted living facility. Check with a social worker, first.

I would like to have some input as to the paid caregiver... as was said earlier, being on the receiving end of bad behavior comes with the territory, but it is ok for the paid caregiver to set boundaries also, with love and compassion.... we are not robots and have our own problems.... but a good paid caregiver will try to find out why she is this way..... I agree she is probably very resentful and also this is a guilt trip to lay on you..... I have surprised many family members by 'winning over' their parent who is very hard to get along with..... I'll call it a gift, but most people at most jobs would not tolerate being called names, ect.... but the paid caregiver has to do her part also..... and try letting the new caregiver a heads up about her behavior.... I take it on as a challenge..... some will not show up at all.... but I also agree with what everyone is saying here... you are a grown woman..... she'll get over it.... but you have to stand your ground.... people treat us the way we allow them to...... sending you hugs and hoping some of the suggestions are helpful to you....

Bless you, Jacob11! You must take control of your life - your Mom has lived 95 years; I think the habit of her controlling everyone/everything is so ingrained in her she can't help herself. She is scared because she knows her mortality and can't do all the things she wanted to before. You love her, that is obvious with what you have given up so far. Grandchildren can't wait for you to spend time with them - they'll grow up with or without you, the same for time with your children. You owe it to them, not your Mom, to be part of their lives. Please talk to her doctor or get her in for a complete physical including lab work. There may be some underlying condition which is contributing to her behavioral outbursts and meanness toward her caregivers. They also have to have your permission to do their job regardless of what your Mom tells them - to finish what they need to and disregard her comments. Giving your Mom some chores of her own, something you know she can do, is good. Having the caregivers make extra food for your dinner meal is a great idea; then you don't have to cook and if you decide to step out for a couple of hours, she can have a good meal anyway. There is so much uncertainty with dementia and old age and it changes hour by hour. Don't deny yourself and don't be under the control of any other person. Hugs!

So many valid and wonderful suggestions. I would like to add that your mom might be bored and resents having people doing basic things for her, that she used to do for herself. Maybe the caregivers can engage her somehow -- have her sit at the kitchen table and roll out dough and maybe cut up apples to bake a pie. Fold the clean laundry and then direct the caregivers where to put it away.

It's hard for this independent generation to suddenly hand over the care and keeping of their home to someone else. This is also a frugal generation, so paying money for these services often adds to the anxiety and resentment. Skilled caregivers know not to take the verbal abuse personally -- and in the best case scenario, know how to effectively shut it down. "Wow, Rita, that really hurts my feelings. If I'm not making the bed the way you like it, how about you help show me the precise way to do it?" Sometimes being engaged and involved gives people back a sense of purpose...

And yes, medication might be in order if your mom suffers from dementia, or delirium, or anxiety, as all of these things can make a person on "high alert" and paranoid, which can then lead to some of the behaviors you describe. Best of luck to you.

First of all, your 95 yr. old mother is a bully, not only to you, but to the help. You are 62 and you don't want her to get mad at you? Where is your backbone lady? Work, enjoy your grandchildren now before they grow up and you miss out on the most important formative years of their lives. Your mother will have to fend for herself. The fact you have agreed to live with her is a sign of your co-dependence, so get some counseling so you can deal with her outbursts. Next, install a "nanny cam" which will record what and who is doing what and how, and then you will have recorded proof. I am surprised the caregivers don't just quit if they are being mistreated. Take charge and don't allow your mother to control you anymore. The more she does the controlling, the less person you become. Best wishes!

your mother can not get along with the caregivers because she is not in the right state of mind. invalid people who used to be independant all their lives will still think they are independant and will refuse any help. when I started caring for my grandpa full time, he was often combatative and verbally abusive and asked me why I don't go to "work". things turned around when I started taking him to adult daycare and then he toned down alot and he started behaving.

This thread motivated me to call my MIL and remiind her that her caregiver/companion will stop in today and please be nice to her. Her response is that she does not need or want her to come. Not said in a nice voice. I am afraid I told her not to tell me what she needs because she needs is to be nice so as to make her son happy with her. She was waxing her 50 year old stove with the paint job she had done peeling off it and is just too busy for company.
She's feisty for sure. I pray that I just stay pleasant when it's my turn.

I am in a similar situation and it is NOT easy, although I do not have children and my mom can not be left alone these days. She has a caregiver during the day while I am at work and she can be quite difficult. (There's some truth to that in old age you only become more of what you were in your hey day!) Rx's prescribed a year or so ago have helped greatly, but she still has her moments! And since the meds, the sibs have become the major pains.
Sibs think that since I have a roof over my head I have nothing to complain about. I've had friends use the term indentured servant as well, and ppl don't call me to do much bc they know I'm pretty much tethered to the house except for the 40 hrs I work for actual income outside the house.
Bros basically breeze in and breeze out 2 or 3 times a month for 20 min - 2 hrs at a time to visit. Getting harder to carry on conversations, so they are on they're texting or reading the paper and Mom will shoot me looks like 'why are they here if they aren't talking to me?'
Sis does help out with a meal or so a week and help with an occasional shower. I am grateful for that. I am frustrated though because, more often than not, sis creates more work for me after she's leaves, whether she riles Mom up or exhausts her from rapid fire questions in attempts to 'engage' our mother.
Will add more later ... just wanted to let you know, you're not alone! Again, you are not alone! Hang in there?!

All of the responses you have gotten have good suggestions in them and I agree that if your mom can stay by herself for a few hours a day, by all means she can stay there for a few hours so that you can enjoy your precious grandbabies. Perhaps you could ask a friend (don't tell mom) to call and talk to her while you are gone, you know some one who understands your situation. One other thought that may help the caregiver thing is perhaps you could get your caregivers to let mom feel like she is making the choices or suggestions as to how things should be done for her. When they feel useful, many times they are less agressive. For many elderly, it is a fear of no longer being able to do anything for themselves or anyone else. This causes depression and anxiety in older people and they fight to hold on the only way they know how. I was a licensed caregiver for 12 years and I had the opportunity to care for some verbally and physically active elders. Be blessed, and I will pray for you.

Jacob -- Blessings to you that this difficult situation is resolved quickly. The answers posted as I write this (1-5) are terrific and hopefully of value to you. Meanwhile, what comes to mind is that two resources might be helpful -- medicine and technology.

MEDICINE: Has your mother been evaluated by a geriatric physician? Maybe there are meds which would alleviate her agitation. Does she suffer from anxiety? Depression? Sometimes trial-and-error is required to find a good fit on meds, but (speaking from experience) it’s worth it.

TECHNOLOGY: Since you can't be there all the time, how about installing a "granny-cam"? -- a hidden device that would record the truth about your mother's behavior and interaction with the caregiver. This could give you peace of mind and help you decide what’s best to do. (But maybe something you would NOT EVER tell either of them?)

Clearly you care deeply about your mother's wellbeing. At the same time, you need to look after yourself so you don't burn out. We owe a great debt to our parents for bringing us into the world, but still there need to be boundaries in our relationships with them. This balance allows us to value and respect our own lives as well as theirs. Take care.

Another suggestion about having a white board or chalk board available where mom can see it. to also add a list of the duties the caregivers are to do while at your home. Ask them to strike out each duty as they are completed and let your mother know who the list is for and that is what you expect of them and she is not to stop them from completing the tasks or you expect her to do it. That way mom will know what is expected of them and the caregivers will also know what is expected of them. In addition, you can also get a chalkboard/magnet board combination. In this case the caregivers cannot wipe off the duties you expect of them, nor can mom. You can write everything on a piece of paper for the caregivers in pen (put it up with a magnet) and take a copy with you and have them call you if anything is crossed out by your mother. Now everyone will know what is expected of them, including your mother. I too am a caregiver and work fulltime. You have to go out, spend time with friends, ask others to please invite you places including your family and let them know ahead of time that sometimes you may have to bail out at the last minute if your mother gets ill. This way they will be more understanding if you have to call at the last minute. I found that if I make plans with someone I will also make sure others are going so I don't completely leave that person hanging. That person can then still go and be with the other friends. Please reinforce to them that you want to be included and ask them to please understand if you have to say no at the last minute. Otherwise, you will loose most of your friends. The idea of a board and writing down what time you plan to be home/taking your phone with you/having an emergency system of some type and not putting up with her childlike attitude will do you a world of help. Again, try to find out what she enjoys such as church and help her find friends in a Sunday School class that are elderly. Maybe they will start visiting her during the day when you are working. Put out a large piece puzzle on a fold out table with a chair somewhere and maybe one day she will walk by and eventually put a couple of pieces together. I find that when the puzzle is always sitting out I have a tendency to walk by and put it together a little at a time. Furthermore, get your family together at one house and let them know you need to speak with them. Ask them if you can visit at a restaurant or at one of their homes. Let mom know you have plans for 2 hours on a Saturday or Sunday and write it on the chalkboard (this way she won't be surprised that you have to go out) for her to remember. Ask your family to not bring any small children with them because what you have to say is very important. They do not need to know ahead of time what you are going to talk about but they may be curious enough to drop their plans and meet with you. Now, make sure you have a list of items you want to talk about and let them know how you are feeling. Ask them to please listen to you first and hold their comments until the end. Give them all a piece of paper with pencils and ask them to jot down any questions as you talk so they will not interrupt you or forget their questions. Good luck and please take care of yourself or you will burn out fast and that is not good for your health. After the talk with your family members maybe they will start helping or give you some good suggestions. Sometimes you get help from the one you least expect to want to help. Blessings

Umm. Is Mom safe? Does she have any friends? Do you have any friends? She can only do to you what you let her. What boundaries would you like to set? Are you afraid something bad will happen if you fail to continue as you are?
Did she put her life on hold for her parents?
Ask yourself a lot of questions until you know what you need to do.
My MIL is not nice to her caregiver or to us about her coming. Too bad. We need someone to physically check on her each day. Everything we say is basically responded to in a negative way. We have her caregivercome only an hour a day. Sometimes she can only stay 5 minutes without getting thrown out. We gladly pay for the hour. We live 150 miles away and commute back and forth while still working and in our 60's. She insists on staying where she is.
So do what you feel you need and want to and don't worry about the complaints. As my mother once told me "some people aren't happy unless they are miserable!"

First of I will say, I'm sorry for what you are going through. Second, the caregiver, has to stay healthy, happy, and have outlets to relieve stress. Yes she is your mother, but there also comes a point in time when you the child become the parent, and have to set up some boundaries. It's time to contact a social worker who deals with seniors and elder care. That social worker will work with your mother, and you, but will be primarily your mothers guide as we will say. You are also entitled to "Respite Care", along with a home heath aides, or CNA's. The Respite Care is designed for a caregiver, such as yourself, to be able to go out for a couple of hours a week, whether it is to visit your grandchildren, go to a movie, or have a quiet enjoyable evening with friends. Respite Care is also a covered benefit for Caregivers, such as yourself. Please look into that.

A lot of caregivers such as yourself, don't always have the willing help of their siblings, or in other situations, their siblings aren't able to provide care. You can go to the medicare site for additional into, possibly seniors.org too. You are not alone.

Remember, your happiness, health, and enrichment will be key to caring for your mother. You must takes breaks, visit grandkids, enjoy a night out with friends (make sure someone is there for your mom, to make you feel comfortable).

Your mom has been independent all her life, and the fear of not having control is key. She used to be able to shop on her own, had several friends, took care of her house, was the care provider for her children, went out and enjoyed activities, and now that has all been changed. It is hard for the child to treat the parent as a child, but unfortunately this comes about as we age. Remember to treat her with respect, kindness, give her choices to choose from, never ask a yes or no answer, and never be forceful by withholding necessary care. I do like the lock on the a/c heat idea, but remember to set it at a temperature where she will never get a chill, or never get overheated.

Your mom is facing boredom, isolation, and needs to be mentally stimulated. A social worker for eldercare can help you and your mom. Give your mom some activities, whether someone escorts (wheel chair, walker with a gait belt) to a park, puzzles, movies, magazines, maybe an elder daycare center to meet new friends. Think back to when 3-8 year old's were bored, or combative, how did you get their willing assistance in entertaining them? Choices are key, never argue about yes or no. Choices make people feel like they have a say, and help them with confidence. Maybe try an iPad, a Wii Bowling, what are her interests? A person coming into a new environment to help care, such as your helpers, will need to know several things to make it a pleasant visit. What are your mom's favorite stories she told over and over, where did she love to visit, are there favorite animals, board games, old classic TV movies, those will be a key to setting up a great relationship.

Also is your mom a fall risk? You may need to get something like a "Life Alert" to cover those work hours when you are not there. Remove tripping obstacles (rugs, furniture, cords). By making a safer pathway, and moving furniture back, it's safer. By getting rid of throw rugs, or taping them down securely that will help.

You will need a support group of your friends where you live, to talk with a cup of coffee, just to know, it's ok. You do have to remove the total gilt, that is not ok, since it will lead to caregiver burnout. Remember you became a full fledged adult many years ago at 30, and will always be your mom's baby in her eyes. It is ok, to be the adult, and take care of yourself and your mom. Please, get the extra help I mentioned (Social Worker, Respite care), you've earned it. Hugs sent your way!

Never mind how she gets along with the caregivers. First deal with how she is treating you. Read Veronica91's post a few times. She is on the right track!

You do not need your mother's permission to live your own life. "Here is your dinner Mom. I am going out with my grandkids tonight. I will be home by 9:30." She gets mad? So what? You are not responsible for her emotional responses. She can be mad or sad or delighted. No Your Problem. "I plan to stop in for Happy Hour with some work friends, to celebrate a friend's promotion tonight Mom. I won't be home before 7:30" She gives you the cold treatment when you get home? So what? You are 62 years old. You should be able to withstand the cold treatment, especially when you are in the right.

I suggest a small white board mounted on a wall or door. Write down what your mom needs to know -- Home at 7:30 tonight. or At library 7 to 9 or whatever is going on out of the routine that day.

Put your cell phone number on speed dial on your mother's phone, so she can reach you in an emergency. Get her a medic alert system. Then get back to living your own life, at least partially! Be gentle. Be polite. No screaming. No arguing. But be firm. She's made it 95 years on this earth. She is strong. She can survive a little firmness.

I am going to be hardnosed and probably unhelpful with this. Your mother does not own you. you are not an indentured servant. Who owns the house? does she pay you to live with her?. if the house is hers do you pay your share of the bills. Who pays the caregivers?
You say the house has been cleaned when you get home and all tasks they are required to do have been completed. What does she not let them do?. if they cook for her maybe they could also prepare an evening meal for the both of you so it can just be reheated when you get home from work..
How does mom stop the caregivers from working. they may not like being called nasty names but that goes with the territory. If you give them a list of chores then they have to finish them. if there is not enough to do they can come less often. tell them they can turn on the air conditioning if she won't. You can change out the thermostat that she can't change or turn off. Set it for 70 and lock it end of story.
If mom is safe to be left for several hours while you work she is safe to be left in the evenings and for a few hours on week ends. Could you take her to see the kids with you? Maybe to school plays etc
Finally has she always been like this or afraid of being abandoned and lashing out from fear as that is the only control she has. feel free to yell at me my skin is thick and I don't have any of it in your family dynamics