No one will believe me! I know she's getting dementia. All the relatives just see her very occasionally and always when she's at her "shiniest".
She's like the "elder hero" of the family. 91, so perky, living independently... and all this is a lie. She refuses to use walker, cane as advised by doc. Refuses to get hearing aid deaf in one ear and getting worse.
Her doc has a huge ego, have been advised not to tell the doc as she'll tell Mom - yes even though its illegal.
She also tells tales about me to them to make me look bad, or immature, looks like for years now.
This woman needs to be in a facility, and she just says she'll move in with me when its time.
Does anyone know where I can turn? Only kid here, shame of it is I've never felt lonely, ever, til now.
She's even set the house not to automatically go to me when she dies, but to whomever she wants. I promise you all I've been a good daughter. Nothing else would be acceptable.
She is partially incontinent, and yes has fallen. She also managed to keep her falling incident a secret for a while-- scared me as it was the 1st time in years I was under doctor's orders for bedrest with an illness, for a week. Thats when she fell.
No, I can't live with someone who is in such a state of declining health. If I told her that she'd be moving in tomorrow.
I gave up my career to start a new one but I didn't it to be the unpaid ft care of my mom. I'm in my 5th year. She insists she's still able to take the bus, and she is, at times, very grateful for that.
But when she's with me, confused as to what store we're in, it scares me.
But no one else gets to see this, or her rages. They get to see the queen, and quite frankly, they don't want to see anything else... who would?
And they stand in fine line to get the house. So why would they want to be made to think differently, and after they've been fed so much bs about me over the years?
She's been sneaky - she's not been losing that part of her brain.
Have to say.. have never felt so alone, not lonely. Thank God for friends. And this community.
She had full intentions of getting her name on the waiting list at a good facility, 2 years ago. Changed her mind for some reason.
Because I spend upwards of 30 hours/week with her in person and on the phone, thats when she really started to slip.
I had asked a cousin for help 3 years ago when I first noticed it, got nothing. I suppose she noted it, and saw that mom is fine on the special occasions.
Asked her again a year ago if anyone could ever stop in for 30 min. to see her, got nothing. Now, I don't want them to visit as she'd probably give it all away early.
But I do need their help in getting her in to a facility.
How do I protect my rightful inheritance? I know, go see a lawyer.
My biggest battle in this life is, my mom. What is up with that.
Thanks again!
1. It is in no way illegal for your mother's doctor to discuss with your mother any information that concerns your mother. It is, however, a breach of confidentiality for the doctor to discuss your mother's medical care with you without your mother's explicit consent. If you have concerns about your mother's welfare, you should feel free to report these to her doctor, though: so what if it does get back to your mother, isn't that kind of the point? The idea is to raise the issues.
2. Your mother is at liberty to will her property to whomever she pleases, regardless of merit. That may not be acceptable to you, but it is to the law.
3. You have nothing to fear regarding your mother's cavalier assumption that when the time comes she'll "just move in with" you. If this is not a prospect you welcome, the correct response is: "oh no you won't."
But never mind all that. I'm absolutely sympathetic to how alone you must feel, if you have no one to share your mother's care and your mother's attitude to you is so dismissive. Who are these other relatives? And how much do you have to do with your mother, day to day?
And, I noticed her starting to slip 3 yrs ago, but only because I spend 30hrs/wk plus with her. And provide at least 4 hot meals/wk for her.
So, to everyone else, she's independent. To me, she's not.
And it looks like its only going to intensify.
1. Had been told by another dr. that if I raised concerns in confidence with her dr. that the dr. would have to keep it confidential from her
- if mom found out she'd make my life h*ll - its none of my business, she's fine, period.
2. Sucks, that. I have built myself a good case and will gladly argue against any changes to her will. Not martyrdom, just facts: the wages I've given up these past few years is more than the value of the house; throw in caregiver wages, and we'll see. Hoping for no more battles when this one is over, but life has dished up some surprises, ha.
3. mom owns half the house, me the other. She claims it as hers. I've been placed in dire financial straits, have burned up my money looking to her. Have told her that, she refuses to get it. Any financial complaints are seen as me not being able to look after the house. Also, she'd have to admit that she's not as indie as she thinks.
Mom is phoned 3X/day. Same speel every time. Used to see her 3X/week, avg 8 hour days. Have had to cut it back to 2 since sickness. Gives her more time to think, and this is not good.
Other relatives are her nieces/nephews... she adores her brother's kids. Admonishes.. constantly praises.. so much so other people have commented at times. Where are they? Off, living their lives.
So relieved to hear you got her in to a facility! Please stay guilt free. Not worth it. Not one bit. Pass a congrats on to the nephew who also cared for her-- yikes - not for the weak!
As far as I know, I'm still her POA. Guess I have more reading to do. Turns out I could never have the focus or energy for this if I was still working.
You're an only -- both a blessing and a curse when it comes to watching over our elderly parents. Start looking at nursing homes for mom just in case. She may transition to an assisted living facility. There is no point in using her money to pay for more care than she needs.
But if you are not willing or able to give mom the advanced care she may come to need, be prepared to spend her money on her care. We all save our money for a rainy day. When it starts pouring outside, it's time to spend it.
Public nursing home and ALF facilities have long waiting lists. I don't care if she uses every last penny on her care - of course thats what its there for.
If there's anything left, I just feel its my inheritance, not some cousins who have always cared less, and still do.
All of us here have gone through that no-man's-land where mom is not bad enough to get custody, but not good enough to be alone. Eventually it changes, and it is usually after a fall and a hospital stay. Good luck to you.
What I failed to think out was the hard cold fact that a pudgy woman, who now looks like she has been hit by a truck, will never be able to step back on the career bus in my mid 50's. All this knowledge and experience in my head and kind of at a loss as how to make some income towards my own retirement. Just venting here, I appreciate all that you have to say and share.
And you know, you mentioned feeling lonely, though not alone. That sums it up for me some days. Just know there are lots of us here who are nodding our heads in agreement with you and we feel in our hearts the same sadness and overwhelmed-ness that you feel too. More [[[hugs]]] are always here too - they won't fix anything, but hopefully they help you feel a little better!
Own456, I wish I could get her away from her doc, but since they have a mutual fan club, they're tight as tight.
SamLamW - sounds like a dream, the dr. getting it, and providing such valuable input, all in one sentence, even.
Mincemeat - your and my story are the same, me also in my 6th yr into this ft w/no wage and yeah when (and if? it seems at times) this all comes to an end, who's looking to hire an exhausted 50+ who needs a good haircut and (in my case) a good trip to the dentist. I also have been cutting my own hair.. frees up time and now necessary to save money.
Cleverdish, thanks for the word on the great legal advice, and on Vets' coverage! Neither were/are a Veteran. I'll look into any free legal services or similar we have here.
Yogagirl, yes thats whats happening with mom too! And yes after each illness or "procedure" (I think her 2 eye caterac procedures expedited the next level of dementia)
Grateful for all the replies - you've all helped to give me a brighter outlook in dealing with this phase in life.
This phase sure has also taught me a lot about people, family and otherwise.
Wishing everyone peace, love and comfort.
Look, the hardest thing I EVER did was saying to my mom "Mom, this isn't working out for ME anymore"--responding to the endless emergencies, panic attacks, incidents of high blood pressure. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask. and think about what would happen to your mom is YOU die. She would no longer have a loving advocate. It's worth saving yourself.
You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.
I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.
You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.
We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol
Above all, take care of yourself in this dilemma.
Carol