My dad (age 88) and stepmom (age 77) have been married for 21 years. There are adult children on both sides. As my dad has gotten older, he has grown in his tendency to just want to be at home. On the whole, this is fine, but my stepmom, still being younger and in good health, wants to go and do things, including some travel. Dad doesn't want to travel, though, and even though he is generally in good health for his age, he really doesn't do well to be left alone for more than a work day. Unfortunately, the house they live in belongs solely to my stepmom, and for whatever reason, she won't let anyone, not even me or my 3 siblings, stay in the home with our dad while she travels. So, she gets put out because no one takes him anywhere so she can get a break, but he refuses to go anywhere. She wanted to go 3 hours away to her timeshare for a week or two, and she told me this year that "no" was not an option. She would make him go. Imagine my surprise when I found them at home during the time they were supposed to be away. And she was mad as a hornet at everyone, even though none of us knew about the problem. So, in a sense, they have imprisoned themselves. She won't let any of us stay there to care for him, and he won't go anywhere, even with her, most of the time, other than occasionally church, or out to eat. It has been well-established that she is not going to bend on allowing any of us to stay there, so the only thing left is to figure out a way to get Dad to cooperate with leaving. Do we medicate him? Pay one her relatives to stay there since we aren't allowed to? Or what? We love our stepmom and want to help the situation, but it feels like our hands are tied. I would love to hear about any ways you have been successful getting an elderly person to cooperate in something big like this. Thank you in advance!
The house is in her name so she gets to dictate who stays with your father? What kind of a marriage is that?
I'm glad you love her. That probably helps your blood pressure a lot. But this "imprisonment" is of her making. She has the power to change things. You don't.
If your brain is lacking in a chemical that it used to produce, or that it's supposed to be producing, and you supply it in pill form, I believe that's simply living a better life through chemistry. It doesn't change who you are.
My husband, who was being followed by a prescribing psychiatrist post open-heart surgery, asked if the doc thought he had ADD. The doc said that he thought it was possible and that a short trial of a stimulant would either help or do nothing, so let's give it a try.
After a few days on Ritalin, my 60 year old husband's comment was, "Wow, I'd have had a whole different life if I'd gotten this stuff when I was a kid".
Isn't that sad?
Also, do you know if there is some hidden reason that your mom does not want him to stay alone with someone else? Do you think he may have any condition, like memory problems, that she does not want others to know? That might explain why she's so protective of him.
If that is not the case and he's fine, but just doesn't like to travel, then, the call to stay home is your step mom's. I'd let her suffer and miss out if that's what she chooses.
It sounds like she would beefit from some counseling and perhaps medication for what is clearly a psychological problem.
And then there's the whole bathroom thing. While my mom still lived at home, she became more and more resistant to going out. Long story short, she was overusing both fiber tablets and immidium, creating a condition called fecal incontinence. She ended up in the hospital and it got dealt with, but it made us realize she couldn't be in charge of her meds any longer.
As for Dad at his age he probably simply does not want to be bothered. he is happy in his own little world. Even staying with a relative would be difficult because everything is strange and there is more going on and he has nowhere to hide. Nothing works the same in another house, like the taps turn on differently or the house is too hot or too cold, where to put his shaving stuff. Maybe he is afraid of disturbing others if he has to get up and maybe does not dare poke around in the kitchen if he wants a cup of coffee at 3am.
This is not just Dad being uncooperative it is an old man who feels safe in his own shell. Of course a change would be "good for him" BUT people need to stop expecting elders to do what is good for them and let them make their own choices. It is like becoming "Institutionalized" except that it is "Homealized"
But I'm curious: other than that you're more hopeful of getting him to budge, why are you more sympathetic to her bonkersness about not allowing even house-trained non-felon family members to stay overnight than you are about his not wanting to leave the comfort of his own favourite armchair?
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