My wife and I have been married for almost 21 years. We are 15 years apart in age, I am 59 and she is 74 as of last month. Age was never a problem between us and honestly my wife was one of those people who looked and acted much younger than she was. She was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia a little over 5 years ago but had been showing symptoms 2-3 years before that. In the beginning the situation was complicated by the fact that my dad was in the middle stages of Alzheimer's. He was in assisted living and later memory care until he died in his sleep in early 2014. As I promised her I would, I have cared for my wife myself until 5 months ago when it became clear that it was beyond my abilities to care for her adequately. She is now in memory-care in an out of town skilled nursing home (1.5 hours away) where her daughter is Director Of Rehabilitation. By placing her there, she see's one daughter multiple times a day, her other daughter (who is an RN) see's her three or four times a week and I also commute 3 days a week and spend several hours there with her. That way the girls as well as the grand kids can see her often. I am retired so I can commute easily. Had I placed her here close to our home I would be able to go but the girl's jobs would not allow them to visit nearly as much. I pay for her care 100% out of pocket.
She has progressed steadily the last couple of years and has lost most of her motor skills as well as control of her bodily functions. She has not recognized the kids or grand kids for a couple of years and she now no longer seems sure who I am. She has not been able to really talk or retain any of a conversation for a year or more. Her emotions are constantly changing, laughing then suddenly crying and sort of gibbering for lack of a better term. Sometimes she appears to be seeing people who are not there also. She colors in coloring books, snuggles a baby doll most of the day now. When I try to talk she seems totally disconnected to what I am saying so most days I just sit and hold her hand or help her eat her meals.
My problem is that I have been caring for one or two dementia patients for 12 years. Intimacy with my wife ended years ago because she no longer seemed to understand what was happening. Have not been to the movies or had a vacation in years. I have spent weeks with little conversation, could not really enjoy a hobby or visit with friends. For the last 5 months I do everything alone including eating, taking my walks, watching TV etc. I do not plan to abandon my wife nor do I plan to change my visitation habits or stop paying for her care but I am lonely, bored and concerned for my own well being. For my own health both physically and mentally I think it is time that I make an effort to get my life back and try to find a compatible female companion who I can discreetly spend some time with, but I have some guilt issues to deal with. I was hoping to find out how others deal with this situation ?
My Mom is losing my Dad to dementia. She misses the OLD husband so much. Its very difficult for her. Given you wife's advanced state it's hard to say what benefit, if any, she gets when you visit. I can understand your feelings of obligation but I don't think you should feel bad if you cut back a little on visits. Take some more time for yourself.
Yes, have a relationship with someone else. It's quite common for people in your situation. It can be healthy, quiet and discreet.
Depending on where you live, you might find a good MeetUp group is a way to reengage with others in your area. Go to their website and see what kind of groups exist where you live. Good luck and please keep us posted on how you're doing.
I think a safe way to meet women, and perhaps other men just for social purposes (to expand your social group) is to find groups that focus on your interests. Even if there aren't a lot of women, just communicating with men who share similar experiences might be helpful, as you gradually find women who share your interests.
What are those interests? Your post is very articulate. Are you a reader? What are your hobbies?
Some suggestions are (a) caregiver support groups as a kind of temporary and interim means to socialize (b) book clubs, hobby clubs (woodworking, metalworking, etc.) (c) gardening clubs (lots of women there!).
Check with libraries in your area. They often sponsor groups like this.
You could also take an adult ed class in a subject that interests you, something you've always wanted to explore but haven't had the time.
Another possibility if you're a former manager (and I kind of suspect you are), is to participate for awhile in SCORE. It isn't necessarily a way to meet women, but you never know - you might meet an aspiring small business entrepreneuress.
So do an assessment of what your interests are, search online and find local groups, and start testing them. I wouldn't join without going to a few meetings, as sometimes groups can be snobbish or cliquish.
One of the benefits of group interaction is that you become acquainted with people on a social, but not personal level. Going out for coffee after a meeting isn't really discreet because you're out in the open, but it's also non-committal and nonjudgmental because of the common interests.
volunteer work; if you have building skills, there's Habitat for Humanity and Christmas in Action. Local food pantries need volunteer help; there are also the Salvation Army, Grace Centers for Hope, and of course the American Red Cross.
You don't have to commit for a long time; check out the group and see if you like the interaction.
One thing about volunteer work is that it helps restore some of the emotional fatigue created by caring for someone on a long term basis. You're still helping, but it's not a situation where people are generally in physical or mental decline.
There also are walking groups: mall walkers, hikers, etc.
I actually had an introduction to a very nice looking woman, about my age who made it clear she was looking for someone to spend time with and see where it goes. I was a little unsure of how to approach this but when she asked, I said I was "sort of separated with an explanation". Before I could say anything else she said her "Southern Baptist Upbringing" would not allow her to date a separated man because he is still married. Of course then I felt the need to explain which I did in detail. Her next response was "I am not a woman who will date the husband of a terminally ill wife"....wow nothing like getting your guts ripped out trying to find a dinner partner. My friend's wife who sort of put us together was stunned.....she got me out of there pretty quick and still try's to apologize.
So that's when I decided to post the original question. I guess it's possible I could find someone who has had a similar experience who might not take such a negative attitude, but honestly after a couple of shots like that I may be happier continuing on with things the way they are for now and save wear and tear on me. I am fine but think I will re-think this whole situation.
I would think just getting out and around others (men and women) doing what you enjoy would be a good start. Maybe trying to jump into a one-on-one with a woman right off the bat is a bridge too far to cross right now. Ease into it. Or find someone who isn't a Southern Baptist or who is in a similar situation.
I think I will just take my time and just see what happens.....thanks everyone for your help and suggestions. I am going to mull this over a bit longer.
and wanted his wife (Terry Schaivo) euthanized, would not give up legal control to her parents who wanted her to live.
Such a difficult case, and a slippery slope to head down a path you are not prepared to travel. You mentioned guilt issues. Can you share them? (I would not, because there are so many ramifications: marriage, infidelity, faith, your faith, your guilt, 'her daughters' commitment to caring for her, division of the family on differences of opinion, etc)., in additions to your promises to your wife, knowing she was 15 years older but not being able to predict or plan for today.
Promises: To care for her as I promised I would ( you still are)
Would not abandon her, not plan to change visitation, not stop paying for her care.
If you head in the direction of female companionship, you will not be able to keep those promises. If your guilt has to do with divorce issues, after reviewing the above mentioned case, would it not be better to divorce her and at least leave the life/or death issues up to her daughters? I can see that as a way to continue keeping all the other promises to your wife as long as you are willing.
If you would be too guilty to divorce her, I wouldn't want to be the one to console you over the guilt of infidelity. You need to have a talk with the God you believe in, it is between you and Him. Receiving judgment from friends, baptists bloggers or on public social media sites will only make you the topic of much debate, much pros and cons, debated. You can always get someone to agree with you, but do you agree with you? Very few will condemn you for not being perfect or wanting a life. The suggestions above are very good for getting a life, but you are basically seeking another wife?
This is in no way to judge you, or not to judge you. I just want you to be able to plan your future with or without your wife, without guilt for knowing what the right thing to do in your case could be. If you run by your plans with the R.N. daughters, be sure to leave out the other woman.
I sincerely hope you can get some respite from caregiving, even a vacation, and return with a plan, because a woman will definitely show up in your life. I hope you are ready to receive what you are asking about without putting a new woman through the guilt of living with that pain of indecision.
I hope you will find this helpful in making your decisions, and not be judged for what is a most difficult unanswerable crisis. Thanks for asking that most difficult question, and I am so sorry for your loss of your wife's health and companionship. No one will fault you for whatever you decide. (Except you will be hearing from me down the line if the worst does happen and you will have to be the one to decide life or death for her. That is not meant to be hurtful, just to motivate you to make the toughest decision now, do not back down. You should be able to have free choice, a clear conscience, and a good life.
Are you sure this is not a can't see the forest for the trees issue in addition to all else?
I can't help wondering what other criteria she would establish for a friendship with a man.
I also think that group activities are a good way to find companionship without any commitment. Friends of the opposite sex are in my opinion just as great as a he/she relationship in which either person is wondering where he/she stands in relation to something longer term. In a friendship, you're free to be yourself without wondering if the relationship will proceed to a longer term commitment.
My first reaction on reading your initial post was that you might run into judgmental people who would not approve your choice to date other women while still married to your wife. The other issue, apart from any judgment, is that women (and men) often don't want to get involved with someone who isn't free to fully commit to them. You need to seek someone in a similar situation or who isn't looking for a full commitment from you. And, someone who won't be judgmental about your choice to seek a new partner outside your marriage.
Maybe the Well Spouse association would be a good place to start. You would undoubtedly encounter women (and men) who are familiar with and sympathetic to your circumstances, and possibly women who are open to the kind of relationship you seek because they're also not free to fully commit to a new partner. I wish you luck!
In today's world it is almost impossible to "date" someone without someone finding out.
My boss's wife had Alzheimer's for 15 years, so he filled those empty moments in her final stages by chumming around with his male friends.... golf once a week, lunch out several times a week, movie once a week by himself, helping out with political rallies, etc. He just couldn't "date" as it wouldn't be fair to the women he would date.... holidays and birthdays were spent with his wife and her grown children, thus he didn't want to have a lady on the side who he would abandon on those days.
Thus, take everything into consideration.
Take your time, go slow and enjoy your reengagement with society. Don't set yourself up for failure. You've given alot and you deserve success! Good Luck!
What would your wife want you to do? I suspect most would want their spouses to get on with their lives and enjoy themselves. In your case I would think this would be especially true if for no other reason than the age difference. Did you and your wife ever talk about what if something like this happens?
You might want to check the Alzheimer's Association to see if there is a "Men's Only" support group. We have one here. I am sure that there are many caregivers, male or female that struggle with the same issue.
Another way to look at it is admitting to yourself that your wife was taken, ie ,left, you long ago. She is not that person you married.
Find groups that interest you that is the best way to meet someone, IMHO. Take care of you. Have you seen an attorney to straighten out the finances, POA's , livingg will? You do not become insolvent as a result of paying for your wife's care. There are ways to to protect you.
For sure she would want me to get on with life, but take care of her also which is what I plan to do. I think it is hard for people to see that at some point she has progressed to a point that I just do not have the ability to provide the care she needs.
Yes my wife and the kids mom as we really knew her has pretty much faded away, we have all discussed that and accept that. You really have to cross that bridge before you can start making the decisions that come during the later stages.
Oh yeah the POA's, will's etc. for us both are done. I also have a really good Long Term Care policy on me so the kids do not have to deal with this should I end up in the same situation, and family history says I might. I have done well as a business owner and the $$ part I can handle. Not having to stress over that made a big difference and was the reason I could stay home and care for her myself. My wife worked with me years before we were married and continued years after. We literally were with each other 24 hours a day then. For some that might be a problem, for us never a problem.
I really appreciate all the kind words and help.