Our children and grandchildren will be coming home for the holidays. LO is becoming less and less social, won't shower/shave, wants to eat when he wants too, sometimes saying inappropriate things. I know this is part of the disease. I am with him all the time. I want my children and grandchildren to stay at our house so I can enjoy as much time with them as possible. LO has a room he can "retreat" to whenever he wants. Want to be respectful to him, but want to be with my family for a few days. Welcome thoughts on this one.
Also, great teaching opportunities for the young ones in this.
Happy Holidays!
Of all the Christmases I remember from the days of caring for my grandmother until caring for my mother, the first Christmas after my mother’s dementia diagnosis was by far the worst.
I had two sons, one a college freshman and one a high school senior, I’d lost my job, she’d been started on a medication and had not fully adjusted to it, I was sleeping on the floor next to her bed to keep her from attempting to climb over the bars on the sides of her bed......we all were trying to “make the best of things”, and the effort served to make matters significantly worse.
After a failed attempt at a “traditional” Christmas Eve, she wound up in the hospital early the next day.
We had to transport her by ambulance and spent the entire day at the hospital, leaving my sons without Mom and Dad and Grandma for their Christmas Day.
Can you be comfortable simplifying your usual holiday routine, no matter what your husband is doing?
How old are your grandchildren? Are their parents comfortable with explaining to them that grandpa will be different than the grandpa they’ve known in the past?
My own memories of three of my four grandparents are so bitter sweet, because of their loss to this illness. Even very young children can sense differences. I was ten.
Have you considered having a “different” holiday this year? Would it still feel special and joyful to plan a holiday with activities that were not your old traditions, but a “new” celebration that wouldn’t be as great a contrast to the past?
I hope you will forgive me for sounding discouraging, but the advice I’ve extended to you is something I wish someone had told me before I experienced those sad Christmases in my past.
My hopes for you are for a peaceful, cozy, comfortable holiday for all of your LOs and for you yourself. And for all of us who are caregivers as well.
Your plans sound wonderful. I hope the great time you're sure to have will do wonders for you! Happy Holidays.
Ask you family for assistance with hubby. Have them run out for food pick up. Ask them to make soup and sandwiches for dinner. Ask for bathing, shaving, dressing assistance while you clean the bathroom or vice versa. Check out some in home help while your family is visiting. Go out for the day with your family while a trusted caregiver sits at home with hubby. Get some sleep and let another family member get up with Dad during the night. My hubby gets a bit anxious when people are in the house and his schedule and routine are changed, but he just mainly gets quiet and more withdrawn until the comotion is over and our home returns to "normal". Try to breathe.
My husband started having bizarre behavior when we were just 30 years old. Our kids were very young-10 and 5. It turned out he was bipolar. I just told the kids that their Dad had something going on in his brain that caused him to act completely different that he wanted to act. And to come to me anytime they were scared and worried-we would work through it. I think family should be educated and taught how to be steadfast. They know if someone is trying to “protect” them and that might be scarier than the truth.
Just my 2cents worth😘
My mom (no dementia but always anxious after she got older) could take a half tablet and she was a different person. I would ask her if she wanted a half or a whole tablet. When she said a whole one, I knew she was really rattled. My aunt, who we think has vascular dementia, does well on a half as well when we have a doctor appointment. I can tell she is nervous because she will begin to ask me the same question over and over which she doesn't normally do. With the half tablet, she settles down and enjoys herself.
If you could get him started with a bathing aide, he might readily adjust. They are so adept at getting the job done. Try the tablet before hand and see if it makes life easier for you (and him). If it does you might be able to have an aide to get him cleaned up for the party. Do you have a son who could help bath him? Maybe an electric shaver would be easy? Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Thank you!
MamaChar
My mom was in the same predicament 23 months ago making a decision about having having my sisters, brother-in-laws and their adult child come in from out of state for Christmas and stay at their house. It was something to look forward to and a bit of a break from mom's often bleak living situation. My Dad's stage of vascular dementia sounds just like your dad.
Long story short: it was super hard on him to have the additional 5 adult family members in the house for 5 days. He retreated as much as possible during the day, but would roam at night to sit alone in his den in the middle of the night when all the commotion had died down. Mom pushed for a couple holiday dinners at their home even though less stressful alternatives existed. Some furniture had been rearranged to accommodate the additional house guests and Christmas decorations. He fell in the middle of the night. He broke his hip, had 2 hip surgeries in the first month which seemed to advance his dementia by 10 fold, was kicked out of 3 facilities for being so offensive and combative, had several more visits to the ER, sent to a psych ward for eval because he talked so much about suicide, was so confused he couldn't rehab...I could go on and on with medical and financial situations that developed.
The first year was a nightmare. He never returned home, hasn't walked since, needs help eating, developed full incontinence, and lives in a skilled nursing home. Again, this could have happened regardless. Just keeping things as low key as possible seems important. I wish you the best, you will make the right decision.
Happy Holidays
It also helps to scale back expectations of yourself. I no longer cook the meals for holidays. I either order pre-made meals or one or more of the adult kids handle the meal. Same with the decorations for holidays, cleanup afterward etc. Don't forget to remember you are important too. :) Best advice I can give you is to be flexible and do what works for you all.
Also, addressing another issue you mentioned - a caregiver will help with personal hygiene...they are no-nonsense people and will get your LO on a schedule for showering and dressing. We brought my father-in-law into our home and I don’t think he bathed for a month. The caregiver had him in/out of the shower the first day. The cost of the homecare service is $35-40 per hour, but you can also check out care.com for independent people at $15-25/hr. We’ve had good and bad caregivers from both sources.
Good luck!