I am 78 and in fairly good health, but just had a knee replacement and need the other done, and probably a shoulder in the next couple years. My husband 84 is very healthy but has had Alzheimer’s for 8 years and is in late mid stage. My two sons and families live 40 miles from me, there is a good care facility within a mile of their homes, also an equilivalent home within a couple of miles of me. Would it be better to have him near them, or closer to me. Both sons want to be involved and are wanting him near them. Both feel his care has become too much for me. RP
Your two sons I imagine both have families.
Your two sons I also imagine are still working.
Your two sons both probably have homes that need their attention and upkeep on weekends.
I also imagine that when your sons have time off they want to spend that time with their families and doing things they like doing.
EVERYONE has great intentions to visit everyday or visit every week.
I am sure their intention is great but life gets in the way of good intentions.
The care that is getting to be a lot for you will be handled mostly by the staff at the Memory Care facility that you choose.
Any doctor visits away from the facility can pretty easily be provided by the facility or by medical transport if you can not manage. But you can arrange to go with him. Could your sons do the same if the appointment was on a Monday at 10:30? (or would they as their wife to take him?)
Are you going to want to drive 80 miles round trip even 1 time a week?
Now..I'm just going to toss this out...
Does the Memory Care facility also have Assisted or Independent Living in the same community?
If so would you consider moving to AL or IL in the same community?
You would be closer to your sons. you would get the help that you probably will need during your rehab with both the knee and shoulder.
But look further ahead - would this be a good time for you to think about moving to live closer to their home town too?
Has there been any discussion about your son's abilities to get you to visits with hubby in future, say several times a month? Perhaps with stopover at their homes? I can't tell what in depth family discussions you have or have not had. 40 minutes isn't that bad. It took me an hour to travel to work and home by bus when I worked.
It just depends on how you look at it and what is best for YOU, I think.
And you can still go less if in fact that is feasible.
Only you can answer that as you know your children.
Also consider moving yourself. Make it your decision instead of this becoming something your sons have to decide for you. You’ve read enough of our horror stories on here to know how torturous it is to have to move a parent when they’re being difficult and don’t want to move even though every day living alone is precarious. 1 in 6 over 80 have some sort of dementia. Plan for your own future.
You could actually enjoy an assisted living! 3 meals cooked plus laundry and cleaning and somebody else planning activities? Not to mention people in your situation to befriend. My mom is in assisted living and dad is in memory care. My mom is a pill and refuses to participate in life, however. (This isn’t new behavior, it’s who she is as a person.) When I visit I see other ladies choosing to enjoy it. My mom will go get my dad from MC and bring him up to the spa with her for hair and nails and a shave … because lord knows if you choose to lock yourself in an apartment all day taking room service your hair needs to be freshly colored at all times.
See All Answers