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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Stop giving them advice, start asking "Do you WANT me to fix this for you?" or "What do you want me to do about it?" or, "How do you want me to fix it for you?" If you get no answer then you know it's just complaining. If they really DO want you to fix things schedule time to go to their house and get several things done at once. If they ask you to come BEFORE that, tell them you have your own chores to do and just can't make it until the appointed day and time. It's hard to do this and stick by your guns - don't you DARE feel guilty - if it's not a TRUE crisis there is nothing wrong with getting your own stuff done THEN working on theirs.
JG, wish I had a dollar for every time my mom did that to me and the family. We were always ready to help but she never took our advice. She has narcisscitic leanings. We soon learned it was all about her, all about the control and all about the drama. It ended up like the little boy who cried wolf, nobody listened to her anymore. I like Ed's suggestion, screen your calls that way you have control.
They are all right. I tell my girls if you don't want to get advice, don't call me. And they still do but I am much better at it. Usually I just drift off as they speak for such long periods. Thank goodness for the internet, gives me something to do during such calls. And it is true, these types of people, if you start on a long dialoge of your own, suddenly they have to go, got things to do. I absolutly love it when my phone's battery goes dead! Yippee!
Sounds like they're just calling to complain, not wanting any help. Just like most wives who need a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear from their husband, and not to have their man try to fix it.
You're probably the only person on their speed dial; plus you listen to them. And Naheaton is right. They don't want any help. Screen your calls, or tell them you'll call them right back ... eventually. Maybe the following week. Needy people equal entrapment, so flip the script on them for a while. Call them every half hour and see what happens. If you're lucky, they just might file a restraining order against you.
It sure sound to me like you need to stand stern and NOT be so availble to them- or if they are of sound mind, explain to them, that you are considering assisted living for them-if they are unable to handle their own affairs. Whatever happens -Don't be an enabler to them, as they most likely will ask more and more from you. If possible, try to have a discussion about all this-and make a plan of action that works for everyone. I also like Ed's idea of screening calls~ You have to take care of your own life's issues, and DO NOT put your life on the back burner-if at all possible. Also reach out for support of other family members, as you have done in this great forum. Best to all~ Hap
One aspect of this dynamic is, you fix stuff for the people you love and then you wish they'd better choices (=take your advice) so that there's not so much stuff to fix. You have to identify what's going on for you in this dynamic, what hooks you in. You will want to be more conscious in your own decision-making about what you fix, so that you are less hooked in by how much of it there is to do. Then if they just want to complain, you also are in charge of how much you choose to listen....
I can relate...I have a "fix-it" personality especially for the people closest to me. I have spent hours getting all kinds of contraptions and safety devices for my Mom and installing them; only to find them tossed or in the closet. She NEVER takes anyone's advice including her docs, me, or family members. I found that the more available I was, the less she respected my time. Also, I work for myself, so she thinks that is less important than others who work in a "real office." So I finally decided to do the things that she really needed first (trips to doctors, picking up Rx.s, etc.) the "wants" come when I have the time. I am the only one in my huge extended family who is a caregiver for an elderly parent. My cousins are fond of putting the old folks "away" when they get to "bothersome." I figure what goes around comes around. I will continue to help Mom live independently but it does not mean that I have to become the unpaid help. I think that this is the caregiver's plight: what does it mean to "care" for a parent? I think it means doing what is in their best interest for safety and wellness. All the other stuff is just an energy zapper. It has taken me several years to come to grips with this. I never knew where to draw the line. My best advice is to do the things you are capable of doing - especially those needs that are urgent. For the other things, I highly recommend telling them that you will be glad to hire someone to do whatever they need...then do it. good luck
All of us are sterling at giving advice rather than as a receiver so an alternative maybe to suggest paths of alternatives: Your will continue to disagree or ignore you but now you are exposing them to more pathways at a nhigher level.
I saw some pretty harsh answers on here! To answer your question, advice is cheap. Sometimes you have to act. Many elderly are not capable of helping themselves. Asking for your advice is a way to get your attention. You are supposed to read through the lines. When my mom was still living alone, she fell. I talked to her every night and she told me she had fallen in the afternoon but she "was fine." I asked her if she wanted me to come over and she said, "no." When I got off the phone, I called the triage nurse at her clinic, got some advice from her and called my mom back to tell her I was coming over. She was so relieved! She thanked me profusely.
No one ever sees themselves as getting older or being needy! I am shocked at the number of elderly living alone who don't want a medical alert. I'm the caregiver and I should probably have a medical alert in the event *I* would fall!
Another suggestion is to have your mom make you a list of things they need help with. Sometimes writing things down makes it seem less important. Get them a notebook or binder where you have written on the front...."THINGS WE NEED DONE." Makes it more official. As you do the things they want, check them off with the dates so they have proof that you are helping them. Sometimes helping means you care and love them.
Lastly, it's scary to get old and not be able to do the things you did before. I would suspect that most elderly know they shouldn't be driving anymore but no one is available or willing to take them places so they keep on trucking!
Caregivers need to be part geriatric nurse, part therapist, and part mindreader!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I like Ed's suggestion, screen your calls that way you have control.
You're probably the only person on their speed dial; plus you listen to them. And Naheaton is right. They don't want any help. Screen your calls, or tell them you'll call them right back ... eventually. Maybe the following week. Needy people equal entrapment, so flip the script on them for a while. Call them every half hour and see what happens. If you're lucky, they just might file a restraining order against you.
-- ED
I also like Ed's idea of screening calls~
You have to take care of your own life's issues, and DO NOT put your life on the back burner-if at all possible. Also reach out for support of other family members, as you have done in this great forum.
Best to all~
Hap
I am the only one in my huge extended family who is a caregiver for an elderly parent. My cousins are fond of putting the old folks "away" when they get to "bothersome." I figure what goes around comes around. I will continue to help Mom live independently but it does not mean that I have to become the unpaid help. I think that this is the caregiver's plight: what does it mean to "care" for a parent? I think it means doing what is in their best interest for safety and wellness. All the other stuff is just an energy zapper. It has taken me several years to come to grips with this. I never knew where to draw the line.
My best advice is to do the things you are capable of doing - especially those needs that are urgent. For the other things, I highly recommend telling them that you will be glad to hire someone to do whatever they need...then do it.
good luck
an alternative maybe to suggest paths of alternatives: Your will
continue to disagree or ignore you but now you are exposing them to more pathways at a nhigher level.
No one ever sees themselves as getting older or being needy! I am shocked at the number of elderly living alone who don't want a medical alert. I'm the caregiver and I should probably have a medical alert in the event *I* would fall!
Another suggestion is to have your mom make you a list of things they need help with. Sometimes writing things down makes it seem less important. Get them a notebook or binder where you have written on the front...."THINGS WE NEED DONE." Makes it more official. As you do the things they want, check them off with the dates so they have proof that you are helping them. Sometimes helping means you care and love them.
Lastly, it's scary to get old and not be able to do the things you did before. I would suspect that most elderly know they shouldn't be driving anymore but no one is available or willing to take them places so they keep on trucking!
Caregivers need to be part geriatric nurse, part therapist, and part mindreader!