My grandmother who was more like my mother passed away last july. My grandfather called me instead of an ambulance. I did cpr and called an ambulance. They couldnt save her. My little boy and I have had a very hard time dealing with her being gone. It was left to me to deal with everything for that household from day one. We lived there for 8 months after she passed we didnt have a choice no one else would. My grandfather has three adult children all of them do not have jobs or small children. None of them will take him to the store,order his medicines,or cook for him. I am expected at his house everyday or he wont take his medicine and sometimes wont eat. He refuses to get meals on wheels or home health care. One of his daughters visits daily and they usually argue. She is not welling to stay with him at all but shes good at telling me what I should be doing and when I should be doing it. I cant take anymore my life is no longer my own. I have no time to visit other family or friends or do any of the things I enjoyed doing before. My husband is the only one working because I am so stressed trying to maintain two households. I dont know what to do.HELP
If grandpa is safe to be at home by himself, its one thing...if not, its another thing entirely. It will be yet another loss for him to hear he "has to" go to a day program or assisted living, or accept others for certain parts of the help he needs, so if several people can do it gently, lovingly, but firmly while reassuring him they will be in his life, it may work out. He may even need treated for depression, or at least receive grief support or counseling in order to start feeling he can do anything for himself again. And you went through a difficult thing yourself to say the least...you have to take care of yourself too, and subjecting yourself to endless stress and demands, and then getting criticized for not doing more or better than you can do, is not at all what you need either!
The choices I see include: 1) full-time caretaker - paid, 2) Assisted living, 3) he moves in with one of his children.
You are exhausted and need to reclaim your life. You want to remain in close contact with your grandfather, but can no longer continue at the pace of caring for him as you have been doing.
Draw a boundary. Stick to it. Be strong. Be courageous. Your boundary setting is best for everyone.
Repeat to him emphatically but compassionately, that this is how it is going to be going forward and stick with it.
If there is another family member nearby, give him that number and tell him he must call them instead of you on for example Mon,Wed, Sat. If he calls you and it is one of those days, either don't answer or wait for him to leave message and then call your family backup and ask them to return his call. Hopefully, they will be responsible and step in. If not, then you might have to hire more outside help hours....
You are burning out, the demands and responsibilities will continue to escalate. He needs to get used to outside help and if he doesn't, then lay it out that next stop is moving to AL or care facility.
Take care of you and your family needs. It isn't fair that we have to give up our own lives because a parent becomes so needy and refuses outside help.
Many hugs and good luck. We support you, so if you need backbone or relief from your guilt...come'n back!
Tell his children what you are prepared to do and stick to it, don't let them bully you and treat you like dirt for their own selfish needs. When a daughter arrives LEAVE. Tell her when his next meds are due and what's for lunch as you go out the door. If you drive make sure you park where she can't block you in.
If you thing the family won't listen to you send them each an identical letter - return receipt requested, that way you know they have received it. Set out what you are prepared to do. go back to work if you need the money and maybe offer for your family to go over on Sat or Sun and make a meal which you can all enjoy. Do some light housework, change bed, laundry etc and have hubby take care of garden any inside odd jobs that need doing. Anything more than that the family either has to do or hire someone because you have done your bit.
Make a list of groceries and other supplies needed and leave it for someone else to buy. You can refill his medicine box and call in any refills needed and add this to the grocery list. Someone else can be given the task of making sure the bills are paid. Fill out the check and have Grandpa sign them so he knows what he is paying for. Sorry if this sounds bossy, but these are only suggestions to help get you out of the current situation and give you time with your own family, you have a little boy to think about so don't miss these important years. Take a vacation, it does not have to be expensive, go visit friends or relatives on your husband's side of the family where your son can have fun. Rent an RV or a cabin if you can afford it. Give the rest of the family plenty of notice so they can fill in your obligations for Grandpa. I hesitate to suggest you take grandpa with you that's your choice don't feel obligated if he would spoil the trip.
Perhaps his doctor can help. If he is eligible for meals on wheels have them show up. It will be his choice to answer the door or not.
Maybe if you get away for a few days with your family, you can think about exactly what you can do long term without getting burn out. Then, you can tell him what you can do and are willing to do. He can accept or not.
If he is mentally incompetent, his doctors need to address it legally. Eventually he will either be in a state where he has no choice but to accept outside care or die. He may choose to die. It's his choice.