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My grandma is 92 years old and lives at home with my mother. My husband and I also help out when caregivers cancel or am not available. We have a 12 year old son and 2 year old daughter we have to bring with us sometimes when we are watching her. I may be working, my husband may have school etc. There has been a cognitive decline lately where anytime she sees my son, it sets her off. No matter what he does it upsets her. He is always kind and respectful despite what she says or does. It is nearly impossible to distract or redirect her. She hones in on him and won't stop with the verbal abuse or accusations until he is out of sight. For example, he was helping pressure wash the side of her house and she said " thats my god damn water bill and my house isn't that dirty." Or, he was quietly putting a puzzle together with her and my mom. She got very upset he was putting pieces on the bottom. Yesterday, my son had spent the night with my mom and was out on the porch away from her watching tv. It was in the early afternoon, my mom was outside working in the yard. Grandma caught sight of him. She then came out to the porch, saw him and started screaming and cussing at him. He did not engage with her but went outside to tell my mom what happened. I am at a loss. This is the first time this has happened but I don't want every interaction to be negative or traumatic. He understands she does not know what she's saying, her brain is sick etc and he's not doing anything wrong. However, I feel lost how to navigate any future interactions if she seems to hate him no matter what he does. Should he not be around her at all? Thank you.

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Your son's well being matters too. Protect him from verbal abuse
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Yes stop bringing him around her. He may know she is sick but he is still a child and stuff like that is damaging.
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Grandma is mentally ill. Keep both of your kids away from her. You have to put your kids first.
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Your family comes first, your son's well-being is your priority.

Please do not expose him or any of your children to this toxic behavior. They will carry the scars with them for the rest of their life. I know, I was one of those verbally and at times physically abused children. I acted like it didn't matter, that it was my fault, but it did matter and I was doing nothing wrong.
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O.K. your first duty is to protect your son. He may appear to be handling it but its abuse anyway you see it. You and husband may need to set up other help for cranky Grandma.

Have you intervened when it starts and tell her unless she behaves you are leaving? This is not acceptable. He is a child at an awkward age. Do you take up for your son? Save your money for his therapy then? I would never put my child in that situation.

When my mom started her verbal abuse there were many times I immediately left.
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Juliaelaine Jun 2023
Yes, like I mentioned I try everything with distraction, redirection etc and she gets more upset. I have told her many times this is not appropriate he is your great grandson you don't talk to him that way and she gets enraged at me. "It's my gd house you're a b****" etc. She speaks worse to my mom and I. Or she will say " what are you talking about? I didn't say anything" You cannot reason or argue with someone that has dementia. My son is upset at me I set the boundary today he will not be spending the night anymore with my mom since she lives there and their interactions will be limited to none. He says she's old and may die soon, would not want to miss time with her. However, of course I don't want him verbally accosted everytime he's there. It has just started last month getting nasty with him and then yesterday was the first time she came out cussing/screaming at him.
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RECAP
Son does not visit gma.
You stay with son, you don't visit either.
You do not exclude your son.

Credit for being smart enough to ask this question, and share your concerns.
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As a 65 year old adult, I have long lasting issues that have come about from traumas experienced as a child between my mother and grandmother. Ugly interactions involving cussing and screaming that caused me ptsd type of reactions that manifested themselves in various other ways over the years. Like sensitivity to noise, for instance, as one small example.

A child is not capable of telling you what he is able to tolerate in terms of abusive behavior from a grandparent with dementia. Why should he be put into a position to do so in the first place? Because society tells us we must endure abuse from a demented elder because they're "sick" and "can't help it", regardless that their abuse will cause damage to the child??? The child is way better off having no contact at all with the demented elder than to wind up suffering a lifetime of repercussions bc he was "supposed to" have compassion for her and was exposed unnecessarily! I don't think a child would be taken to a psychiatric hospital to visit a patient.....yet we think it's ok they visit an elder suffering from brain damage where they're likely to say and do unhinged things! 😑

I suggest you hire a babysitter for your son when you have no other choice but to care for your mother. Regardless of whether he feels badly about not seeing her or not. At 12 years old, he doesn't get to say what's best for him.....you do. And what you don't want to see happen is him wind up blaming YOU for his childhood angst or bad feelings grandma instilled in him. That can negatively affect your relationship forevermore, as it affected mine with my mother. I felt like she did not protect me from the toxic environment I was subjected to as a kid. She perpetuated it, in fact, and I lost respect for her as a result.

Keep your kids away from the firing line and avoid all that buckshot in the first place, that's the best advice.

From someone who gets it. Leave your kids out of the melee. It's hard enough for us adults to process the heartbreak and chaos of dealing w parents suffering from dementia, never mind expecting young children to!

Let them have some fond memory left of a grandma who isn't cussing them out or ranting about some nonsensical matter by filling out some loving greeting cards from "her" to them. Leave them with THAT memory instead of the dreadful truth of what dementia has done.
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Don’t put your son through this. He is a child and deserves to be protected from this. Make arrangements for him to be elsewhere when you need to be there.

She probably needs to be in a facility at this point.
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Definitely do what it takes to keep your son away from her.

Question for others here who have a lot of experience with this issue -
What happens when the object of vitriol is permanently removed from the abuser? Does the person with dementia fixate on a new target?
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MeDolly Jun 2023
My mother is old, age 98, she was my abuser, she does not have dementia.

The answer to your question as it pertains to someone like her is yes, she fixates on a new target, always someone close to her, when I went no contact with her she chose the kind, gentle man she was living with, she annihilated him.

He finally was making arrangements to move out but he died before he could.

Then she was onto my step-sister, she went no contact, now it is my brother. No one else in the family speaks to her and I mean no one except my brother.

She has burned all her bridges.
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Absolutely keep him away! He is your primary concern and responsibility. At his tender age entering adolescence he needs encouragement and support not criticism. I just watched a program on adolescent suicide which was very scary. You need to be there FOR YOUR SON!
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