I am temporarily on disability for my back and I’m a 34 year old male. I am back with family but now my dad has moved my grandma in. I am growing depressed and I am already in enough pain from my medical conditions and I suffer mental illness myself. Depression, Anxiety and Panic attacks. I have been taking care of my grandma for months now and it’s taking a toll on me. I am tired but I know my father is in a situation that he has no choice but to move her in with us. He has her a house that is getting fixed up for her to move in supposedly next month. I already know he’s going to want me to stay with her, but I don’t want to. I stayed with her 7-8 years before she has become this bad off. I feel guilty when I do leave her in the sunroom with the TV on! But I just need a break. I love her so much but I can’t keep doing this. I’m on disability myself. And I’m constantly cleaning urine. She won’t eat basic foods like sandwiches and cup of noodles that I make her that is also easier on me because she has become used to me cooking. She is 85 years old. Before her moving in with us, I was in the house alone until my parents got home from work. All I do is pray that I am doing the right thing as her grandson but I’m tired physically and mentally and now I just let my dad know how her condition is. She does not have Dementia but Incontinence, she can do most things, some of it is playing the role and attention seeking. She won’t bathe or shower but she can I think some of it is also just being lazy idk anyways thanks y’all please forgive my writing skills that was my rant!
At 34, you'll want to get back to enjoying a full life.
I haven't mentioned Grandma on purpose as it seems you need to focus on getting yourself up & going. Put your own O2 on first, yes?
Geaton777 is correct about this being an EXCELLENT--though brief and temporary window--to transition Grandma to a good elder care facility. If you have home internet access, since your health challenges keep you home currently, perhaps you could help your Mom & Dad by preparing a list of potential locations. You also have some options in better managing the verbal exchanges you have with your Gram, and in setting reasonable expectations for how you are able to assist her.
If YOU are offering to fix her a meal, you can say "I'm making myself a sandwich, Gran; would you like one?" If she counters with alternative request outside your availablility or plans, smile kindly and tell her that sandwiches are the only thing on the menu at this time, but if she wants something else, certainly the kitchen is open to her as well. Hard to react badly to kind words said with love.
Your parents should also take the initiative and just purchase a package of the pretty, ladies protective undergarments (don't use the "D" word); they're quite attractive, easy as underwear to put on, and relatively inexpensive (I believe about $16. for 20 or 30 in a package). You might also ask Gram to assist in her own surface cleaning (chairs, floor) after an accident, even if that just means your putting down a clean towel on the puddle and having her move it with her shoe to wipe most of the damp up. It may help her understand the effort her behavior is requiring. Alternatively, puppy pads for putting under on her seat or chair cushion can usually be purchased 4 to a pack at Dollar Tree or 99 cent only. stores.
I hope this works out for your family and that you can all figure out a way to communicate with each other in kindness, love and honesty to resolve these challenges and help everyone live their best life. I also wish improving health for you, Eric.
Then there's you who will likely be 'asked' to care for her when you're not interested in doing so, suffering from your own issues, and unqualified to medically care for an elder with health issues. Unless you are in the medical field which you neglected to mention. "Just" preparing a house for an 85 year old woman with health issues is not enough! Your father has GOT to make OTHER arrangements for grandma's care besides just 'getting a house' ready for her to move into! It's very aggravating to hear statements like that, honestly, b/c he has no idea what's going on with her. "Not wanting to bathe or shower" is a hallmark issue of dementia/Alzheimer's, yet it's being chalked off to 'laziness', etc.
Please speak to your father right away. Number 1, grandma needs a full medical evaluation BEFORE anything else happens. She needs a cognitive evaluation in addition to a full medical workup to see what sort of help she needs on an ongoing basis. Is she equipped to live alone? If not, does she require 24/7 care?
Know that this situation is not about 'love'. Of course you love your grandmother, you just don't want to devote your entire life to caring for her in home and becoming a slave to it. And I don't blame you. "Free rent" is not a good trade off for what's being expected of you. Nor are you in an mental or physical condition to BE a caregiver for an 85 year old woman who needs someone with a good, strong back and no depression issues to look after her.
Wishing you the best of luck getting this message thru to your father.
My Mom had dementia and when she is in the other room...she thinks she is alone in the house, no matter how many people are here. If she cannot see them, she's alone.
Grandma may not be able to eat a sandwich or cup of noodles.
The lack of bathing is another MAJOR red flag of more than "just incontinence".
I think Grandma needs to have a work up by the doctors to get her a diagnosis of whatever it may be.
At the moment I am caring for 2X90 yr old mother & mil, plus my 88 year old father, and at 66 years old, I feel I spent so many years growing up with them, I can mainly adapt to their needs in a positive way - but it is still hard work!
A young man of your age adapting to an old lady is much harder, and yet you are doing it with a great spirit. The bible may talk about a lot of things, but I think the main thing is coming from your own good heart and conscience. BUT, you have to look after yourself and have breaks away from this.
If you don't already have one, get a TV with Internet and Youtube etc., so you can watch things you enjoy and put on programmes your Grandma enjoys. You sound like a religious family, and there is endless religious programmes you can enjoy or leave your Grandma to watch on her own. It is also an endless source of music of all kinds.
Rest your back regularly and make time for yourself - little treats or outings. Find something you enjoy doing like art or writing or some kind of hobby, as it relaxes you and takes you into a different world. If you've never tried anything creative, give it a try. Watch videos things you are interested in. Try meditations, which are wonderful for the mind and body.
You cannot care for someone else unless you care for yourself first!
Wishing you all the best.
I would have dad put her on a bathroom schedule and make her get up every hour, two hours, half hour, whatever is needed to help with the incontinence.
Are there any adult day care programs in your area? This could help with the loneliness.