Been caregiving with my wife for 2 years for her grandmother. We gave up our house and life to move in with grandma after grandfather passed. The reason for this is my wife's mother stole what was left of their retirement in the end and for years before, slowly drained the funds constantly asking for money to which grandfather couldn't say no. Mother is still on the loose and it was put upon my wife and I to take care of grandmother with whatever pieces were left. No help from any family because all they did was take money so can't be trusted. So hard on our marriage right now trying to make the best of it but I'm no longer working for my wife and I, I'm working to take care of grandmother. It all seems so very unfair and cruel to have all this dropped on my wife and we're still young enough that we should be enjoying our lives instead of putting it on hold.
If grandad was in the military, she might also qualify for VA assistance. Do some research and/or get some help from Social workers, VA and/or Elder Law atty to look into possible filing for one or both (I don't think you can collect from both, but apply to both and take the one that pays for the most help!) If she's very low income, you might find an atty who will work pro-bono, or low cost based on her income.
I'm not sure about VA benefits, but often Medicaid benefits can be paid to the family caregivers (beware this may mean ensuring you chip in for various taxes, SS and FICA, just as you would when working a regular job.) Also, I've read that Medicare might pay for a one week respite/year.
Explore all the financial options. If you can hire someone to help, spend some quality time together with the wife. Even with two of you providing care, it's still a tough road. Dementia isn't for the faint-hearted.
Also, shame on all those who fleeced your wife's poor grandmother, and then abandoned her. Hopefully they'll get their payback in the future.
Have you had a serious, heart to heart talk with your wife about how you’re feeling? Not to put more on your wife but to just have open and honest conversations during this really hard time. You could discuss the plan with grandmother, your marriage plans, and how your feeling through all of this, and allow her to talk about how she’s feeling. The hard part is to be able to have these conversations without it leading to a fight. But if you’re able to do this it may feel like you and your wife are on the same “team”, and that might lead to less resentment. I’m wishing you the best!
This was a choice you made at that time - with good intentions. It happens. You stepped in to help but it became too big. You fell down the slippery slope into a bog. You now feel stuck.
Keep your head!
You can choose to take action! To look for the way up & out. Or.. continue to stay in the bog.
"It all seems so very unfair and cruel to have all this dropped on my wife..". Yes. Probably. But work with the now.
1. Contact your area of aging, ask about obtaining a Social Worker to assist you & your wife
2. Medical stuff: is the Alz/Dementia on profile diagnosed? Get a current medical review. Opinion on level of care **
** This is important. What is recommended? IE Grandma home alone - with occasional home help? Assisted Living, Nursing Home or Memory Care?
3. Legal stuff: who has POA/MPOA, enduring POA?
4. Ask Social Worker who can help find & fund the appropriate type of accommodation
Basically it may be time to handball Grandma's care onto a bigger team than your team of two! This is not abandoning her - it is helping her get the care she needs - now & in her future. And a life for the two of you too.
Read this thread to your wife & make a plan together. Especially this sentence *Dementia is progressive. There is no cure. Which means it WILL get WORSE*.
Best of luck going forward & up.
I also suggest that you discuss with your wife the dreams you have as a couple: children, travel, home, activities together... that do NOT include grandma. Both of you probably feel stuck with this situation, but it is not so. Your needs as a couple are as important as gram's. Gram's home can be sold and her assets consolidated to pay for assisted living for residential care. A banker can be named to caretake her assets to make sure that family members can not touch anything until she passes, then her assets should be distributed per a will.
Please consider talking to a lawyer who specializes in family law and/or elder law. Make sure you get powers of attorney for medical and financial. Make sure Gram has a will written. Discuss advanced directives or end of life issues with Gram and have that put into a legal document as well. Since you are her caregivers, it might be helpful to have a "contract" that spells out your duties and compensation (yes, you can be paid to care for Gram).
Please consider talking to a banker where Gram's accounts are. Try to streamline her finances: auto pay for bills, family trust fund-type account to manage Gram's needs, asking a banker to caretake her finances (especially if you can not get power of attorney for her finances).
Lastly, have gram's doctor examine her for "mental competency." If she is deemed "not mentally competent", then her powers of attorney can be invoked by the person(s) who hold the POAs. If she is considered mentally competent, then she makes decisions for her finances, health,... life.
Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs, but it can also be rewarding once you have the basics in place. Please find joy in your current situation to balance the work.
SUNDAY
EVENING
22:50
15 NOVEMBER 2020. You can also set alarms, and also medication reminders. The reminders can put out an alarm and the screen changes to whatever you set it to, so for example 'take morphine' or if you choose you could set it to say 'eat lunch', or whatever you want. It isn't like the usual digital clock where each word or number is made up of lines, it is large clear bold letters. They come in numerous languages. Day month year, or month day year etc. Some can have each line coloured so Sunday on a red background. I prefer plain white print on a black background. Both Amazon and EBay sell them and maybe elsewhere but check features and cost, mine were £25-£30 in U.K. Best buy in a long time. Got the 10" first for lounge, then 9" for kitchen, and seeing how clear they are opted for 7" for bedroom, and a spare 7", still extremely clear, can be seen clearly from outside the room. Can remove 'evening' and just have day time and date. They can also be used as a digital photo frame if you insert a memory (sd) card.
So far, I have not put locks on yet, I just put a sign in the fridge and on the pantry door saying: "Please don't take food until you ask [me] first."
It sounds kind of rude, but it is just enough of a deterrent (for now) to at least give me a chance to give her appropriate snacks between designated mealtimes so she doesn't eat every random food item in the house.
I know that because of her consistent deterioration, I will eventually have to resort to locks. But so far, this is working for us.
Best of luck :)
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