Can grandpa change his POA when he has dementia?

Your grandmother could give your mother POA for herself only. It sounds as though what has happened is that your mother was also your grandmother's executor, and that after your grandmother died her entire estate passed to your grandfather with your mother as trustee. So your mother is responsible for managing the estate, with the priority being your grandfather's care for the rest of his life.

So. On your grandmother's death eighteen months ago, you moved in with your 95 year old grandfather and took up a position as his unpaid family caregiver, yes? So your grandfather is living in his own home with you to look after him. Does he have any health care needs besides the dementia?

When you say you 'turned down' POA for your grandfather - what happened, exactly? Was your grandfather legally competent 18 months ago? - because nobody else had the authority to give you Power of Attorney. It all sounds a bit dubious - I don't think you should waste any time on regretting that.

The key question is: why is your mother reluctant to pay you to be your grandfather's caregiver? If she is your grandmother's executor, she is responsible for using those funds to support your grandfather. Therefore she knows that your grandfather's care has to be paid for; therefore, if she's refusing to pay you, it must either mean that she thinks you should do it for free OR that she wants him cared for in a different way. It could also mean that she's sitting on the money and refusing to use it for your grandfather's benefit, but in that case it's really simple - you call APS and they'll have her in court so fast it'll make her head swim.

Getting bills paid: your mother is responsible for using the funds from your grandmother's estate to pay for your grandfather's living and care expenses. You are not responsible for paying his bills. The thing is, that if you are living in his home, you have to be extremely careful to demonstrate that any bills are exclusively his, and not yours as well.

It sounds as though you have been living in the house and cheerfully paying the bills and have now run out of money. Oops. Here's what you'd better do.

Get together all of the receipts, invoices, bills and any other documentation you can think of for the last 18 months. Prepare a full account of what has been spent and where the money has come from. Take all of the documentation and this detailed account to an Elder Care specialist attorney and ask how you should proceed.

For the immediate future, speak to the companies whose bills you are afraid you won't be able to meet and explain the situation to them. Ask for a suspension or extension.

Looking ahead, it sounds as if your grandfather is going to need more support than you can offer on your own. How realistic is it that you will be able to provide him with all of the care he needs? I don't like to say this, but it does sound rather as if you are counting on his passing away pretty soon. Well, don't. Assume he will be with us for some time yet, and will need continuing care. If your mother is refusing to pay you to do that, she must have her reasons - and, quite simply, it doesn't make any sense that it would be because she wants to keep all the money for herself. Care costs. Family member care is the cheap option. So if she just wanted to keep the money, you'd be her number one choice, wouldn't you?

In any case, longer term, you need to look at how you plan to live your life. At some stage you are going to have to pick it up and carry on. If you're not able to get a job now, through disability, then start finding out what support you're entitled to. Think about where you're going to live and how you will support yourself. If you and your grandfather both are clear that you want to live together, with you looking after him, for the rest of his days, then cost that plan: if your mother rejects it, she will have to explain her decision.

But for now, today, try not to panic. Get advice from competent professionals, face up to the bills becoming due and speak to the relevant companies; and above all talk to your mother and ask her what plans she does have for your grandfather's care. Best of luck, let us know what's going on.

One more thing, looking at how you phrased your question:

1. Does your mother have POA for your grandfather? - which he must have given her, by the way, back in 2009 and this must have been his free choice and was nothing to do with your grandmother's say-so. If yes, he cannot alter this unless he still has mental capacity; but her responsibility for his welfare would then be even more clear cut. If no...

2. … Are you asking if he is able to give you POA now? - probably not, unless his dementia is so mild that he still has mental capacity.

Your mother refuses to pay you for caring for GF. What would happen if you refuse to continue caring for him without pay?

If I am reading this correctly since you are not working you are not able to save any money in preparation for when you will be on your own. What if you find a full-time job now. Tell Mother you will continue to care for GF evenings in exchange for living there, but that she will have to make other arrangements for daytime hours (or whatever hours you work). Sounds reasonable, right?

And I really think you should see an Elder Law attorney to put this entire situation on a firm foundation.

Robski, call your local social services. Sit down with them so that they can help you sort out how your grandfather can be taken care of.

So, then, it does sound as if your mother has power of attorney for your grandfather's finances, at least. That being so, social services will not only want but NEED to talk to her too.

So if you want to stay involved in caring for him, this is the really important bit: set aside all the hurt feelings about your mother, at least for now (you and she can always address your own relationship with each other in the future). Except for the numbers (get your bank statements, receipts, accounts etc. together), forget about everything that's gone on in the past and just concentrate on where everybody goes from here. That's all that matters.

The thing is, you want to carry on taking care of your grandfather, but as you realise you also need to make plans for what you will do once he has passed (may he live forever, but…). If you get help now, get a care plan in place, get advice from social services, there will be support available so that you will also have time to sort yourself out with a job, a place to live, all the rest of it.

Even if you did have control of your grandfather's finances, you would still need to do all of that, wouldn't you? So what it boils down to is protecting your grandfather. Get a care plan in place, and all of his finances - including those under your mother's control - will be part of that.

I don't want to sound snotty, but these sums of money - big to me and you, sure - but in terms of elder care, estates, that kind of thing, they're comparatively minor. They're certainly not worth wasting your grandfather's remaining time on, and they're not going to make any difference to your future.

The other thing is, that whatever you think of how she's fulfilling the role, your grandparents gave your mother POA. They chose to do that, nobody can have forced them to. So even if you don't like the way your mother's behaving and are suspicious of her motives, you still have to respect the position: she does have the legal authority to control the finances.

I'm sorry this is so long and roundabout. Here it is: get social services on board, and do your best to work with your mother. That way you'll have enough support to look after your grandfather AND start making plans for your own future. I'm going to add another bit below which I hope will be more consoling; but that's what you need to start on now.

Robski, my aunt adopted two baby boys in the 1950s. When they were teenagers, her husband died suddenly and left her having to manage everything on her own.

My aunt was a doctor, comparatively well off, and she and her husband did everything they could to give the boys the best start in life that they could. But my older cousin was never quite right in the head. He wasn't too bright, for a start, but he also made bad life decisions and expected my aunt to pay for them. Which she did, right up until he died, about eighteen months before she did. But this is the part that makes me think of you.

My cousin married, and had three children (the oldest wasn't his - his wife was already pregnant by someone else when he married her, all above board, nobody told any lies). The second child, who I'll call John, is the important one.

When John was a baby, the family moved to Australia (my aunt paid, and gave them most of her good furniture) to 'start a new life.' That lasted about eight years. My cousin left his family and turned up like a bad penny expecting more help from his mother (which he got). But fast forward another ten years, and John - sounding very Australian - also came back to the UK to live, and began to get to know his grandmother properly.

Well. He shopped for her, did jobs around the house, spent time with her. It isn't his fault that he didn't have much education, but he was willing to work hard and he was a good lad. Once she got old, she moved into Independent Living and he continued to see a lot of her, taking her out, shopping for her, cooking meals, bringing her great-grandchildren to visit her. Unfortunately, he too had some bad luck, mixed in with admittedly bad choices, so it's simply true that he did accept money from her - but my aunt wasn't an idiot, she knew the score and if she hadn't wanted to help him she wouldn't have done. He didn't exploit or blackmail her, is what I'm saying.

She died at the beginning of this year, which left John not only homeless - he couldn't stay in her apartment, and he'd separated from his children's mother - but also deeply grieving. Now, I am getting a bit sick of having to listen to my other cousin, John's uncle, and other family members, make cynical remarks about why John misses his Gran. He loved her, she loved him, and he was a good grandson to her. I always defend him but I know I'm not believed. People who are determined to think badly of someone will do that no matter what anyone else says.

So what I'm saying is that I completely buy that you love your grandparents. I'm the last person who is going to say "tchah! It's all about the money and paying the bills." It isn't, I know. I do understand.

You will always have your memories of how your grandparents took care of you, and of what you were able to do for them in return. Those memories are very precious. But for the sake of your own self respect, even while you let other people think what they like and just ignore them, you need to get your future on track. Your grandparents didn't go to all the trouble of raising you for your life to be wasted. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how you're getting on.

Are you saying that your grandma made your mom POA for your grandpa? That does not sound right for only your grandpa could have made your mother his POA.

Is his dementia so bad that your grandpa would be considered incompetent to make such a business decision to change his POA? I would get his doctor's opinion about that.

Your mother sounds very greedy and I doubt that will change. Were you working 1 1/2 years ago? Can your mother look after your grandpa so that you could look for a job now?

Find an Elder Care Attorney to help you through this process or even Adult Protective Services. You should not have been using your own money to help pay the bills it is your grandfathers house how were the bills paid when your grandmother was a live? The money your grandfather has is to pay for his care and the upkeep of his house while he is living! Then if there is money left over it can be divided amongst any family members.

Keep track of how many hours you care for him and what you did - i.e.drive to the doctor, fix meals, clean house, do laundry, etc. Than you have something to show what you have been doing and calculate how much you feel you should be paid.
( i.e. $15 an hour and maybe 55 cents a mile for any driving to and from appointments).

Also talk with his Primary Care Doctor to determine if he needs more at home Health Care Assistance than you can provide. Maybe they can help decide if it is time to be placed in a Memory Care Facility for It is too draining on one person to take care of a person with dementia. You need to take care of yourself before you get burned out. Maybe some kind of Alzheimers Day Care Center is in your city and you can schedule him to go there during the day. They have activities, snacks, noon meal and most importantly they can socialize with others in the same boat.

There must have been a reason why you volunteered to take on this wonderful, but demanding responsibility. You deserve a hand of applause, but you must also think of yourself for you need to have a life also. Good luck and reach out to others for assistance.

I don't mean to say walk out on Grandpa, as he still needs you. Ask your mom if she will pay for you to care for him, and if she says no, then tell her you'll have to find a job then and she'll need to pay to get him care, that you'll drop in on him a few times a week to make sure all is well.

As for the rest of the family, try not to care what they think. You know the truth and that's all there is to it. And when it comes time to grieve, then allow yourself to do just that. Everyone needs to grieve when loved one's die. Just be prepared to go on from there, since you've a whole life ahead of you and with their genes behind you that could be a long one. Decide right now that you are going to work on making that life as happy as you can, for yourself and your future friends and family.

It depends on the level of impairment. If your Grandfather can be deemed competent to handle his affairs, the he can change it. If he is deemed no longer competent to handle his affairs, then it is doubtful. Either way, seek legal advice. Some cities have law centres that do not charge for legal advice and help. Good luck.

Does anyone know how to get rid of a horrible conservator/guardian that lied about her credentials before the family consented to hire her and now she is trying to liquidate the Wards estate again after she was previously defeated in court by the Wards personal attorney and she was scolded by the Judge. That Judge retired and now she moved the Ward from a $600.00 a month apartment into a $5,000.00 a month Assisted living facility to create a need to sell his income producing property. No one can say she is stupid but the Ward and the Wards family want her replaced but she refuses to step down.