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FIL rarely washes his hands. Has been living with myself and husband for 3 years when his wife passed. He is 90 years old with several health issues, including Parkinson’s, but is able to ambulate with a cane and take care of other hygiene measures, including brushing teeth, shaving, showers and dressing/undressing self. He can feed himself / checks and records daily vitals and weight. Has his own bathroom. I will hear the flushing of the toilet but will not hear water running afterwards. have checked soap dispenser, bar soap, sink, towel, and all appeared to be unused. I have left alcohol type cleansers, and those appear unused. I have seen him wash his hands before dinner at kitchen sink but not routinely. When confronted, he claims that he is washing his hands with bar soap. Became almost angry when I had that brief conversation - thoughts?

According to your profile, Robert has dementia. People with dementia cannot be reasoned with, so if you want him to wash his hands, you'll have to supervise him doing it. Things will only get worse from here, so you may want to talk to DH about placing your FIL in Memory Care Assisted Living when his behavior and hygiene become unmanageable for you at home.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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This is something your husband should address firmly with him, man-to-man. He should tell him that this is a health issue for all three of you and that verification is possible, as you've mentioned.

Bigger picture: do you want him to continue living with you? Meaning, is it just this one issue that's bothering you and if it's resolved you'll be happy, or is it kind of a "last-straw" or "situation becoming too much" symptom?
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Reply to MG8522
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Time for DH to be there after Dad uses the bathroom to make sure he uses soap and water.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I read your profile and you said your husband is the primary caregiver. If the handwashing is too difficult, he can buy Purell wipes in individual packets, and open and hand one to FIL whenever he comes back from the bathroom. You can get them at CVS, Walmart, Target, etc. or order in bulk online.
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Reply to MG8522
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If he can check and record his daily vitals and weight, he can wash his hands.
"Get back in there and wash your hands!"
Get the bar soap out of the bathroom so he can't say he used it.
Supervise his handwashing.
Send him to assisted living.

You can tell I've had a bad day with my Mom.
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Reply to Lylii1
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Going along with the antibacterial wipes…. That worked great with my dad when he stopped washing his hands. You may have to come up with a creative reason for him to use the wipes. We would wipe our hands with one & then say, “Here dad, here’s one for you.” Sometimes we’d say there was a virus going around so just trying to avoid it by using the wipes. Whatever works without making them feel bad. Arguing with a person with dementia that they haven’t washed their hands usually never works. It either makes them mad or confuses them because they think they washed their hands. Most of the time when you hand them a wipe, especially if you are using one too, they will automatically wipe their hands too.
Also having Clorox type wipes around to wipe door knob’s, handles, etc. might be a good idea too.
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Reply to Ltracy
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Hope21 23 hours ago
Agreed! Covid and the flu are a great reason to heighten hand hygiene anyway, and if everyone is doing it it makes it easier!
(3)
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Do his hands look dirty? Is he getting sick, are other family members getting sick from things he touches? If not, it's probably not worth arguing over or making a big deal about. You're not going to easily change the behavior of a 90 year old. My 93 year old husband likes foaming hand soaps and uses them more effectively than other hand soaps.
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Reply to NancyIS
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Supervise his handwashing. It will ensure your peace of mind and his hygiene. Remember, most men touch their intimate parts when going to the bathroom, don't wash after, and think nothing of it. Supervise his handwashing, plain and simple.
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Reply to DonnaZapo
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Hope21 Feb 28, 2026
Agreed. Also, as aging happens motor skills for wiping, sense of smell for awareness of problems, eyesight for seeing what you are putting your hands into or have on hands diminish as does caring about hygiene many times. Also, many do not like the feeling of water and soap. Infection and serious germs could get spread very easily.

And, agreed that men of this era grew up without hand washing being important or sometimes even easily possible, and I think that as they age they revert to ingrained habits and have a hard time following what doesn’t come natural, even if they intend to.
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I, too, noticed this with my husband with dementia. Finally I just brought the sanitizer bottle to the table. I squirted some on my hands, then asked him to show him his hands, and we rubbed together! Voila! I do notice that he will absolutely lie about various habits. His world is different from mine now.
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Reply to Swanny
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Is this new that he is not washing his hands? Or has it been like this all 3 years and it's bothering you more and more? If he's never been in the habit of washing his hands after using the toilet all his life (seems common with males) then I doubt he will develop a new habit now.
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Reply to gnyg58
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