How can you handle an elderly parent that constantly wants you to do everything for them?

Thanks for your comment---I've even thought about putting on the silencer part of our land phone, but of course we could miss business calls. I would even talk to her myself about it, but my husband would get mad if I cross her in any way, so I'm scared to and of it causing him more stress. I have'nt even spoken to her for over a year on the phone nor visited her, and I know you will all say WHAT? But this woman has not stepped foot in our home for SEVENTEEN years and even blabbed to us about being right down the road, visiting my one sister-in-law lots and lots and lots of times. Needless to say, I don't care for my mother-in-law acting this way for so many years. (32 years married) I think she might be trying to get my husband to her house to stick her finger up in my face or something childish like that without regard for his stress or time on the road (snow packed and dangerous at times.) She has visited all the rest of the siblings in the area over and over, year after year, repeatedly, but not us for seventeen years. I'm not kidding. And if you think I am some kind of awful, horrible, disrespectful person to her, believe me I'm not. I have always been nice and kind and respectful to her all these years, but I know she has never liked me for some reason. So yes you're so right. Only my husband can tell her to knock it off, and only he can approach his other siblings to tell them that THEY also need to help carry the load, but sadly I'm afraid I can't force him to. He is just too kind and nice for his own good when it comes to pretty much all his family, especially his mother and his one brother (twin) He hardly ever will say no to either one of them, and he goes out of his way constantly for them. I just want them to play fair and equal with him you know? Sometimes I just hate that damn phone because it's always her wanting something. For example, today, she called and wanted my husband to take her to her bank which is within walking distance of her house. So he makes the 15 mile trip there on slippery snow packed roads and when he arrives there's her neighbor sitting there who would have been glad to take her the less than 1/2 block over there. She has plenty of people to cart her around, but she just HAD to bother my husband again. Makes me furious. I want to tell her to knock it off, but my husband would get upset and stressed. and she would tell him no doubt. She does'nt seem to care about his health. She only seems to care about herself and her more favorite kids that she would'nt even dream of bothering with her nonsense. She treats them like kings and queens. Sorry for the rant! :)

I feel for you, agnetha. MIL could kill your H. He is the only one who can change this. If he hasn't had a backbone about this so far, what are the chances it will happen now? The other selfish sibs will want to continue the status quo because it serves their needs.

Do you think he would ever get to the point of NOT answering her phone calls? That would be a big step, yes!

My husband has 7 other brothers and sisters--2 of them have lived in other states for a long time, one has moved to another part of this state recently, and there are 4 of them living right in our area. One sister is good about tending to my husbands 87 year old mother (no illnessness, lives alone, gets around good) and then there's my husband who is retired and home all the time. She constantly calls my husband for everything all the time, is constantly calling our home with problems and details of what the absentee siblings are doing all the time but yet they don't do much for her at all. It seems like my one sister-in-law and my husband are pretty much the only ones to do most things for her most of the time. The other sister-in-law does take her to the doctor occasionally, but she could do more. They all could. My husband has a heart problem and this stresses him out alot, but yet he is too danm nice to say no or even approach the other siblings urging them to at least give him a hand with doing more things for his mother. I guess they all figure that if he is doing it, they might as well not bother or something like that. It's not fair. It's not right and I am getting to the point of blowing my lid and that won't be pretty if that happens. We had a simular situation with my dad who just passed away in 2015, but all he had was me (my only sibling lives in TN) and my husband not 1/2 mile away, and I stood up to him and said no plenty of times when he got needy and babyish for no reason. But my husband will not refuse her when she calls and wants him over there which seems like constantly, and every time she calls and wants him to go over there for some nonsense, he has to get in our car and drive a 30 round trip back and forth to her place only to find that different ones of her friends or neighbors or one of the siblings that she likes more and did'nt want to bother, had actually been there but she did'nt want to bother asking them to take her to the store or wherever etc. to save my husband a trip. He is nothing more than her "errand boy." And I'm tired of him getting stressed out like this. I worry about his health over it. I just want her to quit bothering him so much and for his other siblings to start taking their fair share of the load! How should I proceed to handle this awful situation? TIA!

Never stop trying to find what works for you. Try to get POA and pay for a caregiver with her $, maybe try pea pod, do on line shopping for other essentials. If you can't get POA. Try to say no. I own my own business as well and the 1st year MIL was killing me with her constant requests/interruptions. I went to a support group and they suggested I was a control freak and was caregiving with too much gusto. So I started to say NO and explained I was making a list and would stop by after my meeting. Meetings got longer and trips became less frequent and you know what? She survived, she wasn't happy, but I was starting to show a profit again. 6 years later MIL is worse (they don't get better) but I (we) was able to put one daughter through college and starting with the second...debt free. I slowly introduced caregivers, some great, some not so great. I kept the great ones and moved on. You are in this for the long haul don't being penny wise and dollar foolish. Hire the elder lawyer, set up something that protects the both of you. Forget about the rest of the do nothing family. Best thing for us was when ours shunned us. You shun them. When they talk to you always big up MOM and that's it, after listing the things you are doing for her time and time again they will get the hint and probably stop calling if they haven't already. Unfortunately, it's the ones closest to you that can hurt you. It's hard to stay strong, just because you are taking control of your life and putting them second doesn't mean you love them less.

They can spoil your life with your partner. Stop you going on holidays. Sort them

Arrogant selfish all people. Dont let her spoil your life. They did what they wanted when they were young. Im 60 only child with a spoilt interfering father. When he was he was always travelling He did nothing for his parents. Once this brainwashed goody goody old people die off things will change. They should teach children today your born alone and you have to sort yourself out. I have Rheumatoid arthritis flareups. My father only thinks of himself. When im 80 I should be content to sit and sleep and pay for somebody to care for me. I dont put up with nonsense from my father

I am very new to this website and am surprised by the number of martyrs out there. Parents are adults, not children. They are responsible for preparing for their declining years.
I also think that it is none of my business what kind of relationship each sibling has with the parents. I decide what kind of relationship I myself wish to maintain with them and that's it.
I am the middle child of 11 siblings and this probably has an influence on my independence of thoughts. However, I have noticed that we can only make choices for ourselves, not for others. And we are responsible for our choices. Martha, Martha.

Refugee outa there...

They should have Lawyers that specifically address the ole school white slave racket.

I have reviewed a few older post and found a quote by Lilliput which I really appreciate "You owe them a safe and comfortable environment and that is it." I agree that dealing with an abusive parent involves setting healthy boundaries. As for cutting them off - counsellors have recommended to me that I cut off relationships with my mother and sister as they are "toxic" to me. I have chosen not to though periodically I have to take breaks to review how things are going. Seeing that your parents is well looked after does not mean you have to do it all. I am giving up POA as it is being used against me and that is stressful for me. I prefer to find someone competent and less involved to do it. The important thing, in my view, is that her finances and well being are looked after, not that I do am the one doing it, even though that is what she prefers.

Evidently the current generation of very old carry with them a rather enslaving view of children which has only been seen as abusive post 1945 in my opinion. We have a hard time accepting moms as being as abusive as some of them really have been all of our childhood and continue to be even in old age. Because society finds it easier to view a man as abusive than a woman, particularly a mother as abusive, it is easier for moms to get away with such enslaving abuse and other types of abuse. Just turning our back on the parent we are enmeshed with is only a cut off and not a real resolution of untieing the codependency. It is getting the buttons turned off on the inside that is the true path to freedom which comes with the hard work of healthy boundaries and more often than not therapy in order to self-differentiated from the slave master in our head.

Crowe: great post! "...suicide by degree." yes, I agree - that is exactly what it feels like. Why do we frown on "slavery" in every area of our culture except for family caregivers of the elderly? It is partially because family gets very little help from government entities that were created for that specific reason. So the family steps up. Or, as crowe said, we revert to being little children again - usually the one that the parent always relied on. We do not have to turn our backs on our parents in order to break the cycle of co-dependency.

Amen to that!

I wonder if some church members have a distorted understanding of denying oneself, etc.or honor your mother and father that they feel religiously obligated to do everything a parents asks them to? Self-destruction is not denying oneself. It is suicide by degree. Honoring one's parent by being their slave as an adult child is not biblical either, but more like reverting emotionally to being their little girl or little boy. I hope you will do more than just pray for her, but will help her to see that she does not need to live under such bondage. I'm not a therapist, but she needs to see one to help her with boundary issues, self-esteem, etc.

Have a friend from our church having the same problem and she told me this evening it's really getting to her. She does everything her mom asks and it's not good enough, and she's about to lose it. Her eyes welled with tears this evening and I prayed for her.

Awesome post Lilliput - yes, yes, yes. My daughter has already learned these lessons and will not allow her life to be taken over by anyone. In fact, she helps me enforce boundaries with my mum. I find it is very hard to face that the relationship with my mother does not improve, but to face that is essential for my well being. You are so right that the future caregiver is the who loves and gives and we should see that they are not taken advantage of. I am with your husband 100% -love others AS you love yourself - and also know that you are right about the down hill path being increment. I am having to revise my boundaries as my mother changes with age. I had a plan and boundaries in place that worked for several years but do not work now and I am having to step back and revise them with mothers increasing age and demands/needs. It appears that she sits and thinks up things for me to do now. I suppose it is a control thing - BPD and age. Like parenting - they didn't teach us about this in school!!!

Wow...thank you for resurrecting one of my old posts. I cannot believe that it was posted over a year ago!! It gave me a chance to reflect on my three years of caregiving. I see how angry and frustrated I was...I think it was the shock of suddenly realizing that I was in this alone. The second disappointment was thinking that I could have a better relationship with my Mom and having the exact opposite happen.
But how things have changed, thanks in large part to the folks here. I have gained massive amounts of PERSPECTIVE. I have learned how to defend my health and sanity. I have the ability to set boundaries and use the word "no" without feeling guilty. I am no longer shocked by the indifference of the medical community and government when it comes to treating the elderly. And I learned what NPD is.
Emjo and dizzy I was nodding along with you as I read your posts. Emjo, my hub always reminds me about the, "love others AS you love yourself." It is not God's will for anyone to be abused, mentally battered, or left destitute. But these things do not happen to caregivers overnight...it happens incrementally over time. I'll bet you that I could now pick out the future caregiver from any family. They are the kids that never take anything for themselves, are giving and loving, and step aside for the more aggressive and self-centered sibs. (It will never cease to amaze me that parents continue to reward the kid that does the least.)
I do not know if what we write, the experiences we share, or the trauma we go through will ever go beyond these cyber-walls, but I think one solution to breaking this cycle is for people in our age group to not do this to our children. To have open dialogue with adult children and either include all of them in your care, or plan on doing it yourself so that no one person is singled out. To teach son's that they need to pitch in, directly, with the care of their parents. I hope that is the lesson that we all take away from this experience.
Thank you for sharing your journey.

dizzyride -so sorry you are facing such losses. Quote: "take it from me--don't base your decisions on what is best for your loved one, do what is best for you and your family". I totally agree with you. In my view, everyone's interests have to be considered. I am finding that my mother's demands gradually are becoming more and more unrealistic and would take up a majority of my energy and time if I allowed it, while, in fact, she is well cared for. Some one has to bring some common sense into the picture. We all have to live with the consequences of our choices.

Since caregiving my mother some 20 years, what relationships I had with my other siblings have become sttrained to none whatsoever. It is not so much they way they treat me, which is not good in my opinion, but how they can sleep at night knowing how much an occasional planned visit or lunch date would mean to Mom. Not only would it give me a break, but I would not consider being so heartless toward a sibling who has somehow been selected to be caregiver for Mom! My younger sister has stated that it is bizarre that I would end up as caregiver when I was always the free spirit of the family. I agree, but it does not mean that is what I wanted to do for my remaining years! Once you take on the duties and responsibilities, good luck ever getting a replacement, even a temporary one! I would liked to think that it is because they see what a burden it is on me, how I have grown older than they before my time; but, come to find out, it is simply because they don't want to be bothered and don't want their neat little apple cart upset in any way. I can imagine that would be "nice," but how realistic is it to want life to stay the same for extended periods. I find as soon as I start getting very comfortable, something happens to overturn my life as I had known it! I have never asked for anything for my caregiving, because I had a good little nest egg that I figured would last me a lifetime--until this economy hit and showed me that every decision I made was probably the wrong one, and it was usually decided with Mom's dignity as first priority. Of course, this is not how my siblings look at it, and are critical when I ask Mom for money for things such as my auto registration, repair, medical issues or the like. Of course Mom can't call and tell them quickly enough that she had to lend/give me money, quite opposite of how she wants us all to get along! For those who are new to caregiving, take it from me--don't base your decisions on what is best for your loved one, do what is best for you and your family. I wish I had done that, because I would now be very comforttable instead of looking forward to being homeless when Mom dies (she decided a reverse mortgage would be fun and give her more money to spend on items from magazines, clothing that she has no room for (even with a very large walk-in closet), gifts to charity, Wjem sje moved in with me, and wanted me to sell my home and buy a larger one together, I had to find out after opening escrow that she had given all of her money and taken out home loans for her male "caregiver" to buy him cars every time he would wreck one, had filed bankruptcy and I had to qualify on my own for "our" home. It has gone downhill from there, so be careful how much dignity and respect you allow yourself to give, and consider how things would be if the finances were reversed--as they are now, 20+ years later . . .

Hi Lilli
My thoughts are about cleaning up the mess and whether you have to. Sometimes living with the consequences provides people with an important lesson. I know that is not easy and not always possible. Creating messes for you to clean up sounds very manipulative.. I am very familiar with the "errand girl" phenomenon. My mother thinks I am her servant - or wants me to be anyway. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. Have you looked into whether you mum has something like that. For me it helps to understand the behaviours and find strategies to cope. I am caretaking at a distance which makes an enormous difference. Mother is in a different city by her choice. I would not take my mother into my home - it would ruin my life and she would be no happier than she is now. Mother has someone in her city she pays to shop and do other things for her. This lady is a nurse and does this as a business. Mother still wants me to do many small things for her which actually she can still do for herself. Sometimes I say yes, I will do it when I have time and it goes on my priority list and sometimes she ends up doing it herself, and sometimes I say that I cannot do it for reasons of time, energy, money etc. I still have much work to do sorting out stuff which I brought here from her apartment after moving her into a senior's residence. I moved her into a second residence within the year as she coujld not get along where she was and then told her I will not do it again as she is getting as good care as is available and the next move would be to a nursing home if she cannot cope where she is. This is reality. I used to not tell her about how I was feeling, but do now. If I am overwhelmed by her demands I say so, if I am not feeling well enough to do something, I say so, etc. I am finding that old dogs can learn new tricks and she is more aware of how her behaviour affects me and more considerate. I am still suffering the effcts of the moves last year (arthritis in my shoulder/arm/hand). Mother is 98 and I am 73 so I am caregiving at an age where some are being looked after. It is one disadvantage of being in a long lived family. In order to look after myself I have to draw very firm boundaries, and work to do that in a kind and honest a way as possible. She complains that I don't visit her enough, do enough for her etc and I do not feel guilty about my choices. I have a life here with my kids and grandkids nearby and a significant other. One of mother's recent suggestions was that I sell my house and move to her city into my own unit in her seniors's residence and look after her. .Of course this would mean no life for me, I would not see my grandchldren or my significant other much - and - she still would not be happy, nevermind that it is ridiculously expensive. As well as doing things for others, God said love others as you love yourself - not more than. My sister also lives at a distance and visits mother for a free holiday. She downright refuses to help even when visiting. I have story after story of that to the degree that it appalls me -yet she feels free to criticize me for not doing enough. So be it - I can't change her but I don't have to put up with the criticism without an honest response.
Please look after yourself. I have friends who are experiencing health issues from not caring for themselves when presented with the challenges of caring for parents. I have never been as ill as this past year (the arthritis is only one issue)and I think it is due to the stress from overdoing things with regard to my mother. It is no good living at the end of one's tether. I have learned that means something has to change and we can only change ourselves.

Blessings
Joan

naheaton,

Thank you for putting things into perspective, and for reminding us of what really matters. I love the saying:

"Only one life
'Twill soon be past,
Only what's done
For Christ will last.

Jesus is the reason for the season, and we love because he first loved us. We give because he is our example. To me to live is Christ... Philippeans 1:21 To God be the glory in all we do!

I don't know where people are spiritually speaking, but as for me, I decided years ago when I reached out to my inlaws when they started going downhill physically and mentally, that I was doing this for Jesus. I didn't care if they NEVER told me 'thank you' because I wasn't doing it for them, I was taking my cue from Matthew 45. Verses 42-45 says:
"For I was an hungered, and you gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and you took me not in: naked, and you clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and you visited me not. Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we you an hungered, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister to you? Then shall he answer them, saying, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you did it not to one of the least of these, you did it not to me."

For me, that last verse says it all. When I do something that is not appreciated or completely dismissed, it doesn't matter. Cause I never did it for an ungrateful human in the first place. Now I do have to remind myself that on a regular basis, but once I reaffirm my ultimate goal, then nothing else matters. It's what the God of creation thinks of me, not some flawed human being.

I appreciate all the comments...and especially the concrete suggestions about boundaries and unreasonable requests.
I think that the main problem is that when my Mom moved here I treated her as a "guest" and did everything for her; and then she got used to it.
My Mom is really good at doing "end runs" around me. In other words, "if you won't do it, I will find some one who will." Then she proceeds to make a bigger mess that I ultimately have to clean up.
I have discovered that seniors do things out of fear. Their world is getting smaller, people that they cherished are now gone, they lose mobility and independence, and have to depend on us. They often do not show gratitude for those of us who "step up to the plate" - in fact it is just the opposite. And other family members "scatter." (still working out anger issues on this point.)
I am a very practical person who looks for solutions...but I forget that there is often no rationality behind some behaviors. People compare helping the elderly with raising a child. I am not sure if this is true. With a child you are helping raise them toward independence and a time when they will be on their own. With an elderly person you know that things will just continue to deteriorate. And that scares me because I do not know what the next step is. I always feel like I am skating on thin ice. I want to get back to some normalcy and being calm again...even if it is for a short period of time.
Those of us here who are dealing with far more dire situations than mine, you have my heartfelt support. I look at it this way: there is always someone has it a little better than you do and someone a little worse. I just keep plugging away, trying new stategies, coming here for good ideas and moral support, and remembering that I chose to do this for a Mom who was really good to me as a child. I am not a caregiver out of guilt, but sometimes it is still challenging to keep all balls in the air!
Lilli

Yes, I do have caller ID, and I know when she is calling, but how can I tell if it is a real emergency. Right now I have pretty much calmed down on this issue of the telephoning, what bothers me most is that it is always me that has to deal with these things, my sister gets her buttons pushed too much when mom won't let up on the requests, then hangs up the phone or leaves the room when she comes to visit. She is the one who has guardianship but doesn't want to deal with the paperwork and Medicaid, I am the one going to the Medicaid office and the bank. She is a doctor and works 60 hour weeks, so I guess having to deal with mom is one to many things for her to think about. I don't work and have the whole day free, I guess it is an even exchange though because I don't pay rent living in her house. It is hard dealing with her kids though, they don't help out in the house, my nephew cooks and never cleans up after himself, they don't answer the phone when I am expecting important calls, etc. I wish we could have an arrnagement like mom and dad had when we were growing up, if you make a mess, clean it up promptly and each person take care of their own laundry.

Lilliput, that's what caller ID is for. Why do you have to pick up every phone call she throws your way? Can you find someone that she could call if there was a REAL emergency? Otherwise, put a special ringtone for her number as a warning, then ignore it. Call her when you get off work and chat. We've all done the caller ID screening at home when it's a telemarketer, I say screen her calls and call it 'good'. Set up certain days that you will run errands, and stick to it. Even though her 'boys' don't help out, she can still call them and talk. In fact, why can't you lay a little guilt on them (if guilt works on the 'golden boys') tell them that since they don't do any of the hands on stuff, they NEED to call her on a regular basis and let her blather on and on. That seems fair to me, doesn't it?

My mother has been in the nursing home three months now, after having taken care of her full-time for five years. I have been on disability since 2001, first I spent three years helping my sister with her three high school age children, then I spent five years taking care of my mother in her apartment full-time. The first two months in the nursing home, was constantly trying to get me to take her back again, and find some way to get out of the nursing home. Then my sister got guardianship and now she knows I don't have any power to change the situation, but she is constantly complaining about the conditions at the nursing home, asking me to do things to get around the rules, etc. My sister doesn't like visiting her because the first thing she does is run down her list of complaints, and doesn't have any patience with her. I have gotten so that I just try not to let her push my buttons and try to distract her with things that I bring for her to read and play the piano for her. What I am wondering is what do I do about Christmas day when mom expects to be able to come over to visit us, it is my sister's house and what if she says no, or what if they get into an argument? I just have to roll with the punches. Maybe just play Christmas music on the piano to distract everybody when things get heated up.

Thanks for the suggestion, I 'll look for the book. Maybe it can enlighten me, and give me some coping skill that I dont have.

Everything you are describing is your interpretation of events, reading them the picture is of an elderly woman who has many ailments and may or may not be lucid depending on the time of day and which way the wind blows....to allow remarks from your mom in that state to hurt you so deeply is not good for your health in the long run.

Try reading Elder-rage, or asking Carol Bradley for some books that might give you insight and perspective on what you are going through. You need someone to talk to face to face as well. Take care, it is not easy. I know what I am talking about because I am that ear for my friend who is in a similar situation - and I have said the same things to her.

Be well, take care.

No, mom cant even remember 5 minutes ago, arguing. she says the other girl was arguing with her. Tonite for instance, she went and ate cookies and soda, but would not eat any dinner, stating, "you're not my boss" "I dont have to eat". Yes, she did quickly get out of the car by herself, but she was at risk, my son quickly went over to her, to support her balance. She is diabetic, and has neuropathy, and macular. So, everything at once is hitting her, and I know it is difficult,,,, but it seems, she knows enough, like you said, not to offend others, but take generous liberty to offend, and hurt me deliberately. But claims 10 min later, that she was arguing with someone else, not me. (I'm the only one that takes care of her). So, she is certainly not all there, but sometimes I wonder, how she makes the difference, to be rude and hurtful to me,,,, and kind and mushy to others. She cant read anything, (macular), and she cant really walk alone, if she does, she is at great risk. that is how this all began... she tripped at her own home 1 yr ago, and fell into her front door, her shoulder dislocated, and broke off, and they had to replace the socket and ball, and she banged her head terribly hard. When she came out of surgery, she slowly didnt know us on sight. She cant remember, she thinks my dogs belong to her, she thinks this is a commercial home, not my private home,,,, and she is always saying she is going to report me to the proper authorities because it is bath time, or med time, or even bed time. So, she really is not balanced mentally anymore. I just need to make a way, to have a little time for me, before I crack. Oh, also, I take care of a Bi-Polar ex-husband, who is also very abusive. (Verbally, and on occasion, physically). It bombards me somtimes, and sometimes, I cant take anymore. However, I am now trying to make arrangements to be able to get out once a month for a couple of hours. About the medication, she wouldnt even take hers, if it was up to her. She doesnt even know when to change her depends. But, she can sure snoop, or hop out of the car to see if she is missing something. She even comments if my son kisses me hello, before her. ( she says, so what did you have to do to get that kiss?") My son had to lie to her the past couple of years and not tell her, if we went to lunch, or met at the grocery store. I think she was very posessive of him, and my other sons too. I think she hates me,,,, maybe she always did, as I think back. She was always kind of tough on me. And now that I have a weight problem, and she has lost alot of weight, ( not sure why), she really grinds on me and tells me I am a "fat pig", " or fat slob, and it really hurts me. Oh well, I could write a book,,, haha but who would listen? I'm okay, just a little surprised,,,, I didnt have a clue it would be like this. I thought we'd cuddle, giggle, have coffee together, shop, and enjoy our lives living together. She is very different now, to what she was. She says vulgar things to me, and she was a good example of a Christian woman for a lifetime,,,, (60 yrs), I dont know who this monster is. I cant tell, if it is real,,,,, or if she is playing me, or if she really is mentally challenged now. I would hate to guess wrong. Her Dr. says Alz. We have none in our family history. I dont know. I'm seeking help with my local alz association after Christmas. This is bigger than I ever thought. I wonder why America is not working harder seeking a cure,,,,,, all the boomers are approaching the age,,,,,,,, what a mess that is going to be. You might be right Challenge, maybe this is HER ticket to be what she wants to be, to me. Wonder why?

JoanneSS -- Just read your last comment. I'm glad you have a sitter. I think that's the 1st step!