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I feel ashamed for asking & for feeling this way. Back story: Starting in 1999, I supported my Mom in taking care of my Dad until he died in 2001. After my Dad’s death, my Mom became very dependent on me & so I took on a lot of the her household responsibilities, managing finances, helping her run errands, ect. As the years past & she grew older (& so did I), I would accompany her to her Doctors appointments, cared for her in her home until she recovered after multiple hospitalizations. This continued until she fractured her hip in 2016 & became bedridden until her death in 2018. In 2008, I cared for my Mother in law in my home. She died in 2009 of pancreatic cancer. 6 months after my Mom’s death in 2018, my beloved Aunt suffered a stroke (she suffered another stroke a year & a half later), so here I was again, caring for my Aunt until she died in 2020. It has been 6 years this month since my Aunt died, but I feel that it’s taken me 4 years to process the grief, the overwhelming responsibilities & the mental & physical pressures required of caregivers. Not to mention the responsibilities of being both their trustees. I feel honored that they trusted me in fulfilling & following through with their final wishes. I have no regrets & would do it all again because I loved them so, but I was totally burned out. Ok, after knowing my past experiences, here’s my conflicting dilemma: my husband of 50 years is showing mild signs of cognitive decline & physical changes ex: falling. I understand these could be age related, but I’m feeling frightened & anxious, that I don’t want to do/ I feel I do not emotionally or physically have it in me to take care of anyone else. Has anyone else felt like this, but couldn’t talk to anyone about it? I feel terrible enough on my own, so please be kind.

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I absolutely understand. I initially felt like a failure when I placed my mother after "hitting the wall", but even all these years later I still shrivel inside at the thought of ever picking up that burden again. ((hugs))
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Reply to cwillie
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Ask a solder why he or she does not want to return to battle.
Ask a (real) law enforcement officer after a gun battle why they have to take time off.
Ask anyone that has been through the "wringer" why they don't want to do it again.
PTSD is NOT just for battle worn military people. Or Police officers
Anyone can experience traumatic stress from any event or events in your life.
What you have gone through demonstrates that very well.
What I would suggest if you have not yet is spend some time with a counselor or therapist just to talk, This is NOT saying anything is "wrong" but what it will do is allow you to vent, to properly grieve. You never were able to do that with everything that came is such rapid succession.
You set boundaries that are safe for you and never let anyone make you feel less than for putting your emotional well being first.
Now, boundaries may move. You may feel differently one day but today your feelings are valid.

And you have to accept that you are older. What you could do 25 years ago is quite different than what you can do now. I have said that if my Husband were still alive and I was going through what I went through 25 years ago I could not care for him now like I did then.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Your feelings are valid and nothing to be ashamed of, caregiving is exhausting on so many levels beyond the obvious.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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This is a safe place to discuss this. It's important to realize that you are older now than when all the previous caretaking took place, and that those years took a physical and emotional toll.

So I suggest preparing yourself for what may be ahead by beginning to research assisted living and memory care places nearby, so that when your husband needs more than you are able to provide at this point in life, and at this age (you must be in your 70s or 80s?) you can move him to one that meets his needs, where you can visit as a loving wife, rather than destroying your health trying to handle things alone at home.

In the meantime, if his needs don't necessitate that level of care, be prepared with alternatives such as adult day centers, part-time in-home help, what is available through Medicare or your supplemental, etc.

And make sure everything legal is in place -- wills, POA, access to financial accounts, investment/financial planning -- so that you can both feel protected and have peace of mind.
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Reply to MG8522
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You should not feel ashamed. You have more than reached your limit of what hands on care you are able and willing to do. You can be the executive manager for arranging home care or facility placement for your husband as needed. Whether he has dementia or is just suffering the effects of advancing age, his needs will increase with time. If you have been married for 50 years, you are of a certain age yourself and cannot be expected to do the amount of caretaking that your husband may require.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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CaringinVA Jan 30, 2026
Well stated and such a helpful viewpoint❤️
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You should not feel ashamed for how you feel . Everyone has their limits . You’ve done so much caregiving and you burned out . There is no shame in that . I totally can relate to how you feel because I have similar fears about if I would be able to take care of my husband if he needed . It’s the combination of burnout and being older ourselves that is a big part of why the thought of being a caregiver again is so scary. I tell myself I can only do my best if/when the time comes , but it’s still upsetting to worry about failing the one person we made vows with meanwhile going above and beyond for our parents .
So no guilt , no feeling ashamed . You are feeling past and anticipatory burnout and grief . I’m sure there are many here with the same thoughts
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Reply to waytomisery
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Guilt tells you you've done something bad.
Shame tells you you ARE someone bad.
You're obviously not "someone bad" so lose the word shame from your vocabulary when referring to yourself.

Please read MGs good advice and absorb it. And in the meantime, hire in home help as needed. Get out of the house and have lunch with friends. Take care of YOURSELF. Join a book club. Anything that interests you. And don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is exhausting and thankless. PTSD is real, too. See your doctor for antidepressants if you feel sad or anxious too often. ADs have helped me A LOT and I'm only sorry I didn't talk to my doctor when caring for my parents for 10+ years.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Bellerose63 Jan 30, 2026
Yes!!! I highly recommend anti-anxiety, depression and sleeping meds if you can tk them plus finding a good talk therapist. Before burnout Insomnia kept me from functioning and after 3 days i wouldn’t drive. It’s almost a year since losing mom and husband a few wks apart and i can sleep 6-7 hrs without sleeping med now. I might be taking even less meds at the 2 yr mark of their passing but if i still need them i will continue.
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I cannot say anything better, or more eloquently, than the others here already have done. But I just really wanted you to know that I think you are remarkable. A truly loving, caring and amazing human being. I have been caring for my 94 year old dad in my husband and I’s home for over five years now, and was helping my mom and dad in there home for about three years before that when they had to give up driving. The emotional toll alone of all the diligence and decision making-the constant vigilance over health issues and safety concerns, the emotional turmoil of second guessing observations about health cues, etc—not to mention grueling hours of cleaning and physically caring with no real break. Ever. PTSD is real. I feel guilty cause some days I just don’t want anyone to ever need to depend on me for anything ever again—my brain and everything else is just TIRED! (And I truly am grateful for all the wonderful loved ones in my life!). You, ma’am, have done this over and over for years and years! I don’t know how you have a shred of sanity left. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. In fact, being realistic about what you can do at this point is the most loving thing you can do for your husband. It shows great maturity and humility and loving care. I applaud you and pray for
peace and comfort for you and your husband!
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Reply to Hope21
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You have done more than most people could have ever done. You stepped in over and over - it was too much. No, you should not feel guilty. You simply can't take anymore. Your husband will need to go into a facility when the time comes. You need a little time to live your own life. I have been a caretaker to my Mom for many, many years. She is finally in assisted living. Sometimes (often), I feel that I do not emotionally or physically have it in me just to go visit, or even answer a phone call from her. Enough already! I have faced very hard times with my Mom, but nothing like you have experienced. I do not feel guilty or ashamed. Anyone who doesn't understand can take over the job for a couple of months and see how it works for them.
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Reply to Lylii1
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Bellerose63 Jan 30, 2026
My Mom passed at AL a year ago and when my phone rings my heart still does a flip thinking it’s her calling.
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There is no need to feel terrible about how you feel. You have now been through several gruelling caregiving experiences—that’s enough. You’re older, as well. You are now more aware of your own limits which is necessary for self-preservation.

I would simply research appropriate facilities for your husband, so that when (if) the time comes, you will be ready.

Peace to you.
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Reply to Danielle123
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