I feel ashamed for asking & for feeling this way. Back story: Starting in 1999, I supported my Mom in taking care of my Dad until he died in 2001. After my Dad’s death, my Mom became very dependent on me & so I took on a lot of the her household responsibilities, managing finances, helping her run errands, ect. As the years past & she grew older (& so did I), I would accompany her to her Doctors appointments, cared for her in her home until she recovered after multiple hospitalizations. This continued until she fractured her hip in 2016 & became bedridden until her death in 2018. In 2008, I cared for my Mother in law in my home. She died in 2009 of pancreatic cancer. 6 months after my Mom’s death in 2018, my beloved Aunt suffered a stroke (she suffered another stroke a year & a half later), so here I was again, caring for my Aunt until she died in 2020. It has been 6 years this month since my Aunt died, but I feel that it’s taken me 4 years to process the grief, the overwhelming responsibilities & the mental & physical pressures required of caregivers. Not to mention the responsibilities of being both their trustees. I feel honored that they trusted me in fulfilling & following through with their final wishes. I have no regrets & would do it all again because I loved them so, but I was totally burned out. Ok, after knowing my past experiences, here’s my conflicting dilemma: my husband of 50 years is showing mild signs of cognitive decline & physical changes ex: falling. I understand these could be age related, but I’m feeling frightened & anxious, that I don’t want to do/ I feel I do not emotionally or physically have it in me to take care of anyone else. Has anyone else felt like this, but couldn’t talk to anyone about it? I feel terrible enough on my own, so please be kind.
Ask a (real) law enforcement officer after a gun battle why they have to take time off.
Ask anyone that has been through the "wringer" why they don't want to do it again.
PTSD is NOT just for battle worn military people. Or Police officers
Anyone can experience traumatic stress from any event or events in your life.
What you have gone through demonstrates that very well.
What I would suggest if you have not yet is spend some time with a counselor or therapist just to talk, This is NOT saying anything is "wrong" but what it will do is allow you to vent, to properly grieve. You never were able to do that with everything that came is such rapid succession.
You set boundaries that are safe for you and never let anyone make you feel less than for putting your emotional well being first.
Now, boundaries may move. You may feel differently one day but today your feelings are valid.
And you have to accept that you are older. What you could do 25 years ago is quite different than what you can do now. I have said that if my Husband were still alive and I was going through what I went through 25 years ago I could not care for him now like I did then.
So I suggest preparing yourself for what may be ahead by beginning to research assisted living and memory care places nearby, so that when your husband needs more than you are able to provide at this point in life, and at this age (you must be in your 70s or 80s?) you can move him to one that meets his needs, where you can visit as a loving wife, rather than destroying your health trying to handle things alone at home.
In the meantime, if his needs don't necessitate that level of care, be prepared with alternatives such as adult day centers, part-time in-home help, what is available through Medicare or your supplemental, etc.
And make sure everything legal is in place -- wills, POA, access to financial accounts, investment/financial planning -- so that you can both feel protected and have peace of mind.
So no guilt , no feeling ashamed . You are feeling past and anticipatory burnout and grief . I’m sure there are many here with the same thoughts
Shame tells you you ARE someone bad.
You're obviously not "someone bad" so lose the word shame from your vocabulary when referring to yourself.
Please read MGs good advice and absorb it. And in the meantime, hire in home help as needed. Get out of the house and have lunch with friends. Take care of YOURSELF. Join a book club. Anything that interests you. And don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is exhausting and thankless. PTSD is real, too. See your doctor for antidepressants if you feel sad or anxious too often. ADs have helped me A LOT and I'm only sorry I didn't talk to my doctor when caring for my parents for 10+ years.
Best of luck to you.
peace and comfort for you and your husband!
I would simply research appropriate facilities for your husband, so that when (if) the time comes, you will be ready.
Peace to you.
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