I feel ashamed for asking & for feeling this way. Back story: Starting in 1999, I supported my Mom in taking care of my Dad until he died in 2001. After my Dad’s death, my Mom became very dependent on me & so I took on a lot of the her household responsibilities, managing finances, helping her run errands, ect. As the years past & she grew older (& so did I), I would accompany her to her Doctors appointments, cared for her in her home until she recovered after multiple hospitalizations. This continued until she fractured her hip in 2016 & became bedridden until her death in 2018. In 2008, I cared for my Mother in law in my home. She died in 2009 of pancreatic cancer. 6 months after my Mom’s death in 2018, my beloved Aunt suffered a stroke (she suffered another stroke a year & a half later), so here I was again, caring for my Aunt until she died in 2020. It has been 6 years this month since my Aunt died, but I feel that it’s taken me 4 years to process the grief, the overwhelming responsibilities & the mental & physical pressures required of caregivers. Not to mention the responsibilities of being both their trustees. I feel honored that they trusted me in fulfilling & following through with their final wishes. I have no regrets & would do it all again because I loved them so, but I was totally burned out. Ok, after knowing my past experiences, here’s my conflicting dilemma: my husband of 50 years is showing mild signs of cognitive decline & physical changes ex: falling. I understand these could be age related, but I’m feeling frightened & anxious, that I don’t want to do/ I feel I do not emotionally or physically have it in me to take care of anyone else. Has anyone else felt like this, but couldn’t talk to anyone about it? I feel terrible enough on my own, so please be kind.
So I suggest preparing yourself for what may be ahead by beginning to research assisted living and memory care places nearby, so that when your husband needs more than you are able to provide at this point in life, and at this age (you must be in your 70s or 80s?) you can move him to one that meets his needs, where you can visit as a loving wife, rather than destroying your health trying to handle things alone at home.
In the meantime, if his needs don't necessitate that level of care, be prepared with alternatives such as adult day centers, part-time in-home help, what is available through Medicare or your supplemental, etc.
And make sure everything legal is in place -- wills, POA, access to financial accounts, investment/financial planning -- so that you can both feel protected and have peace of mind.
Ask a (real) law enforcement officer after a gun battle why they have to take time off.
Ask anyone that has been through the "wringer" why they don't want to do it again.
PTSD is NOT just for battle worn military people. Or Police officers
Anyone can experience traumatic stress from any event or events in your life.
What you have gone through demonstrates that very well.
What I would suggest if you have not yet is spend some time with a counselor or therapist just to talk, This is NOT saying anything is "wrong" but what it will do is allow you to vent, to properly grieve. You never were able to do that with everything that came is such rapid succession.
You set boundaries that are safe for you and never let anyone make you feel less than for putting your emotional well being first.
Now, boundaries may move. You may feel differently one day but today your feelings are valid.
And you have to accept that you are older. What you could do 25 years ago is quite different than what you can do now. I have said that if my Husband were still alive and I was going through what I went through 25 years ago I could not care for him now like I did then.
So no guilt , no feeling ashamed . You are feeling past and anticipatory burnout and grief . I’m sure there are many here with the same thoughts
Shame tells you you ARE someone bad.
You're obviously not "someone bad" so lose the word shame from your vocabulary when referring to yourself.
Please read MGs good advice and absorb it. And in the meantime, hire in home help as needed. Get out of the house and have lunch with friends. Take care of YOURSELF. Join a book club. Anything that interests you. And don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is exhausting and thankless. PTSD is real, too. See your doctor for antidepressants if you feel sad or anxious too often. ADs have helped me A LOT and I'm only sorry I didn't talk to my doctor when caring for my parents for 10+ years.
Best of luck to you.
I would simply research appropriate facilities for your husband, so that when (if) the time comes, you will be ready.
Peace to you.
I now know it is important to take care of myself first or I can’t be any good to anyone else. At 57 I still would like to live the life I have put on hold for so many years putting everyone else’s needs before my own. My daughter has shared honest feedback about the things she missed while I was caregiving because there are only so many hours in the day and you can only spread yourself so thin. These are all lessons I learned late, but I have learned and am now working hard to keep the balance and boundaries in life that allow both the giving and receiving to happen and ensure my sanity remains in tact. You are not alone and there is no guilt or shame in taking care of your needs.
Cancer patients don't want to return to battling cancer. Prisoners don't want to go back to jail. People from toxic, abusive households don't want to return to said households.
It may sound terrible that you may not be able to care fully for your spouse but you are older now and most likely declining physically. You have to be pragmatic.
Sending you hugs and prayers xx
peace and comfort for you and your husband!
My 74 y/o husband had a stroke in December. Thankfully he made a full recovery because of the clot buster shot. But in the emergency room that night he was paralyzed on his right side and could not move and could not speak well enough to be understood and I wondered how I was going to take care of this dear man and wondered if I had it in me anymore after all the misery I endured dealing with my mother specifically during my parents' caregiving ordeal.
I decided I would do everything I could to keep him home, but from being on this site I also knew severe stroke victims require 24/7 care and as much as you want to keep a loved one home, you probably can't do it. But I decided I would try. Thankfully he made a full recovery and so we go on as if that night was a bad dream.
You are lucky you had no regrets. My relationship with my mother was in tatters by the time she died. I am so angry that I wasted five years for two unappreciative people and now my husband has health problems. What a colossal waste of time.
you have a lot in you that you’re containing
You really would benefit from counselling to release the heavy emotions and to talk out your current
Fears
in relation to your current dilemma it may be prudent to get your husband assess
then you’ll be in a position to discuss what options for help- whether that be full time or part time you need
I think you need more than a forum chat
you’ve coped with a hell of a lot that’s bottled up inside of you bubbling ready to explode
it needs releasing
best to you
It’s the worst kind of stress you are dealing with knowing that he’s at fault for delaying treatment and not giving a 💩 that you will be the one looking after him. Shaking my head as i find it hard to stop resenting what he put me thru the 5 yrs before his death. Shaking my head for you, too. Hugs
I developed major depressive disorder, FMS plus digestive and insomnia trouble. My house became a chaotic disaster and i spent alot of time holed up on my bed watching tv for hours. All this to say PLEESE
don’t let yourself get this bad without getting help. My body became so used to the stress and depression that i still can’t shake it even tho they both passed last spring.
Applauding that you know how your non-caring future will look while another does for husband. Becoming burnt out isn’t a choice we make it comes from alot of time pushing past our limits. We are all supporting and cheering your decision.
I work as a HHA and CNA since retirement, but I would never do this for extended family members or place myself in the middle of family mess again. I noticed most of the folks doing all the yapping wouldn't lift a hand in helping. Their method of helping is guilt tripping someone with a Savior's Complex to do the work for them. When it fell into their lap, who do you think they tried to guilt into taking this on? I realized years ago that doors have two sides; in or out.
let us know how it goes. Good luck & hugs 🤗