Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?

I re read my reply. I didn't mean for it to come across so judge. I just meant that that sometimes the black sheep in families sometimes for whatever reason needs more help. You never said how long ago your brother received the money or how old your parents were at the time. In my family (dad is on his fifth wife so is step mom) things aren't ever black and white. My mom and her older sisters found out my grand parents decided to help their only brother. "Uncle screw up". He had finally hit rock bottom through drug use and using there generosity for selfish reasons. I talked with my grandparents about It. I had managed to stay out of it for a while but my uncle through all his faults had a big heart and they new he wasn't a bad person underneath. My mom and aunt's thought he had been given all the chances he should get but my grandparents would have done anything to try and save their son. They said, and I believe them, that they would have done anything for their girls too but they all had financially stable lives.
Mom was pissed because at the time she had an opportunity to buy a home she had been renting when I was still in school and living at home and they wouldn't help. I love mom with all my heart but she hadn't spoken to grandma in about ten years after an affair was found out and would only talk to my grandpa. The grandparents had worked things out and Grandpa had begged her to forgive grandma. She was stubborn and wouldn't. So I didn't get to have the Christmas dinner with my grandparents etc. Which she would just brush off. I had to go around her and my aunt's back to see them. My uncle who is the youngest had had several failed rehabs but had come to a point that he was homeless and hustling for his drugs. He had even stole from his parents on several occasions. The sisters knew about this. None of them would ever think about helping him because they said he had been given more opportunities than they got growing up.
Its not a happy ending. Uncle went to rehab and was clean and working for a while but relapsed shortly after and whithin a year he over dosed and died.
The sisters were sad but their underlying attitude was he got what he got because he was a bad person. They never talked about him after that until they found out just how much money he had "borrowed".
He was my favorite uncle when I was growing up. I knew he had problems but he was kind and genuine. He just couldn't beat his addictions. The fact that my grandparents had to sneak around to help him broke my heart. When mom and her sisters through such a fit about it pissed me off.
Im not saying this is anywhere close to your situation but some of the other posters may have had something similar.
I just tried to point out that some of us have experienced it from the other side.

OP, I have read this thread and am in great admiration of your attitude. Not sure I could have. You have gotten good, heartfelt advice. I am so sorry you are dealing with. No hardball like family, eh?

Best to you, op. I hope you stay with us. I periodically have to take a break.

My father was always very secretive about finances. Mom survived a ruptured brain aneurysm at age 64 just weeks before her scheduled retirement from career as a high school teacher. It left her permanently brain damaged with no short term memory and communication difficulties. My parents' only asset was the home where we grew up. When Dad's heart disease got really bad, the home was sold and they moved to a rental home close to my older sister. The money from sale of home was all they had for retirement. When Dad died at age 72, we found that Dad lost virtually all the money to telemarketing scammers. Example: he supposedly won a new Cadillac. All he had to do was send $10,000 for taxes via wire transfer and the car would be delivered. He had 20 garbage bags full of sweepstakes letters he was supposed to keep in case he won. Sweepstakes all had "entry fees". Seems all the scammers in the country had his telephone number on speed dial. My only brother realized how naive and vulnerable Dad was and brought his own promises of riches galore if Dad gave him money to "invest in lucrative business adventures."

My three sisters and I had no idea what was going on. If we had known, we might have been able to intervene by having Dad declared incompetent and have a conservator appointed to handle parents' finances. Dad died at age 72 and left nothing to care for my disabled mother. She has lived 30 years since his death. My older sister took over her care. Mom had just Social Security and a small teacher's pension to pay for elder daycare (my sister was employed) and the expenses associated with the care of a severely disabled senior.

My brother has not visited Mom even once since Dad's death. He calls my sister often asking for a "cash advance" on his future inheritance. He does not accept that all of my parents' money is gone and there is no inheritance. He accuses my sister of squandering their money when, in reality, my sister has spent all her own retirement fund caring for Mom.

Mom has been in a nursing home the past two years with Medicaid and Medicare footing the bill. She is 94 and we are on death vigil. My brother is waiting at a distance for his inheritance. He believes Dad left everything to him, the only son. Imagine his disappointment when he realizes there isn't a single penny for him to inherit.

Yes on a much smaller scale. Parents had been giving 10k a year for several years to a very adult child (or very child adult) who doesn't work but does spend and seems to forget about taxes until last minute. Now they are out of money and that "child" doesn't even call. The money would have covered about 10 months of expenses he knows I now pay. I just look at it like a mental illness. He justified wasting money on extravagant travel and leaning on parents rather than workingand saving, He has to live with himself. Fortunately, I don't have to.

Abby,

I don’t know how all of this will resolve itself but you have shown that you have intelligence and very responsible. I have faith in you. You are the voice of reason. You know that.

My best advice is, "Let it go," and remember they had it to give at the time and since it was their money, it was for them to make the decision to do with it what they pleased.

Nothing separates people more often than "money matters" so remember it's "family that matters" and move on. You'll be glad you did years to come.

If you honestly think that your parents would have told you no if it were you who needed money then I feel for you but just because he asked for it and you didn't doesn't make him the favorite it just makes him the neediest. Also if you did accept money from them for whatever reason would you necessarily want your siblings to know about it? It seems like all the posts on here about this are from jealous sisters. Is there any one out there who borrowed money from their parents and didn't tell there siblings? I'm sure there's another side here.

When I became my aunt's POA, and moved her into our home in another state, We went together to withdraw her moneys, then opened new accounts local to us.  I insisted.  Then, for the first year or so, I paid her bills with her signature on the checks, and she made sure I had the right address, a stamp, and check enclosed.  Soon she let go of that also. 

You need to open a new acct. with your parents, and have your name on checks (and keep the checkbook.)  One or both can watch you pay, check your work, whatever it takes, but as POA you have to get started.

Why do you have to put it aside and keep silent about it? I would tell your parents that since things are such a mess and they favor your brother it should land squarely in his lap. They obviously favor him so he should be responsible for their care. Why should the girls do all the caregiving?

My MIL has given my husbands drop kick of a brother a couple of hundred grand over the past 21 years. She totally knows what he is but just gives it to him. I think it’s out of guilt. He is an absolute waste of space. A drunk and a dead beat Dad. A liar. A thief and total headcase. Just recently after my husbands diagnosis his mother paid for an airplane ticket for him to visit his brother ( my husband). We are talking maybe $400 AUS round trip. Never turned up. Said he had an ear infection and the doctor would not let him travel. MIL is on her last legs. I am just glad older brother has had the sense to record and document everything she has ever paid him. Rent. Car. Registration. Food. Bail. You name it she has paid it while he has boozed on and destroyed his ex wife children and his own father. So we all know that there is going to be one hell of a bun fight once the MIL passes

What I have seen here and on other posts is something I have always known. The things people will do for money. Even the hint of money they steal from their parents and siblings. Most times in long term carefully laid out plans
Years of deceit and gaining trust. Never surprises me.

NeedHelpWithMom: I was so angry! You best believe he's in prison! I said to my mother - "Get a retinologist who can help you." As long as they chatted her up, she loved them! Crap sake! (Pardon that)

87 answers in 5 days, wow! obviously this has hit a nerve...

Not my story but belongs to a friend, who is still not at peace with it. She’s youngest of 5 and the second oldest, Stevie, was beyond the mom’s favorite. Always lent $ for idiot business ventures, bought trucks, paid his kids summer camps, his dogs vet bills, etc. The others got a $20 and handwritten recipe card from mom for Xmas & birthdays. Over time he probably got 150k out of the folks and this on a single salary blue collar job as her parents were frugal. Oldest sister needed bone marrow transplant so they did a HLA on all the kids cause with 5 odds are 1 or maybe 2 will be a match. Yeah, no HLA possibilities for Stevie as he was a half sibling.

Same thing with these stupid telephone scammers! Horrible, but the OP has a situation where a family member did it. None of us should have to be concerned about family hurting us, but unfortunately it happens way too often.

Yes, My mother had Wet Macular Degeneration. Her retinologist caused her eyes to worsen TREMENDOUSLY because he was a criminal! He funneled $800,000 into a faux fund and did not pay income taxes on it. He was caught red handed and went to Federal Prison. She goes to the next retinologist who said "There's nothing I can do for you, Norma." You have the worse case of Wet Macular Degeneration I have ever seen." Her - "Ha Ha, chat chat chat chat." As long as the doctor socialized with her, she didn't care! I did!

Yes, you should approach them. What's up with the tall lie? Wow.

I know someone who signed something without reading it. She later found out that she had signed her house over to her daughter! Nice kid, huh? It happens.

Wow... Just WOW! Reading some of these horror stories!! Mother has a trust. Didn't know about it until after older brother died -- 12 years after it was done. He didn't abuse POA. I didn't understand why, after Mother signed over a little rent house she had, he never took it to be finalized. That is because he knew that asset needed to be there if Mother needed to cash it out. SIL brought the trust paperwork to younger brother and I AFTER we had Mother sign over the little house on her name when older brother died. (Things that make us say "hmm" ).
Now I have POA, and Mother lives with me and my family, but I collaborate with younger brother on big decisions. I don't want him to be surprised about her finances if something happens to me.

Yes, I discovered mom & older brother's secret last year. Mom had her trust done back in 2000 leaving everything equally to OB & myself & then each of our kids if anything happened to us. My lawyer discovered that in 2017 OB had her change it leaving everything to him & then his kids. Mom has had cognitive decline starting 4 years ago & I don't believe she knew what she was signing. She'll be 97 in a few months & she hasn't spoken to me or seen me in almost 2 years now. It's like a stab in the back.
She lives alone in a house across the street from me & I don't believe she's safe since she can't walk good & uses a walker. If there's ever a fire she would not be able to get out of her house alone. OB also had her change POA removing me.

I think it's a shame your brother took advantage of your mom that way. Now when she really needs the money, she won't have it. It was her money to do with what she wanted, that is true, but still it isn't right. What does your father say about it?

Not me, but a co-worker discovered that her mother and father had been hiding the fact that they were broke. She was left to fight with the creditors. It may be that your parents just believed your brother needed more help.

Please don’t assume your parents favor your brother. I suspect your parents believed he needs help and you girls were doing fine financially.

Interested to see how readers respond. I just found out that my son has been stealing money from his father's (my ex) bank account for medical expenses for his wife and college tuition for his daughter. Plus he also asked me for the money as well! My daughter is her father's POA for health care (he is in nursing home), but my son has control over finances. I don't know whether to confront him with this information or not.

What's done is done. No point to crying over spilt milk, just stop the spilling!

There is no use feeling "hurt" or "angry" over what your parents did in the past or whether brother "deserved" any of this. It was their money and their decision to do what they did, including keeping it a "secret" from you and your sister.

You need to focus more on going forward (keeping the 5 yr look-back in mind) to circumvent bleeding of their assets. The only reason I can think of to bring any of this topic up with your parents is to discuss what would happen if there is ever a need for Medicaid (focus on any current money being paid out, not the older stuff.) Even if they have a nice little nest egg, and (hopefully) own their home mortgage free (so sale/assets could be used to cover costs), depending on how long they might need to live in any kind of AL or bring in-home services in, those assets could be depleted in their lifetime. Depending on the area you live in, that could happen sooner rather than later! They DO need to understand that their finances need to be reviewed and managed wisely, and that no more funds should be provided to your brother, either directly or indirectly (aka his children/former wife.)

I would also be concerned about your brother because of your statement: "My brother and I talk about once a week....his main concern is that I have POA." Clearly he is concerned about having any supply cut off. He just *might* attempt an end-run and have that changed, so BEWARE! You did mention that your mother has mid-stage dementia? If that is true, do you have any documentation for that? If so, both your POAs could take effect for her AND you could likely get rep payee for her SS, if she has SS income (although if dad is still competent, he *might* override - get him in your camp!) Then if you talk with dad and can convince him to authorize you to be POA now for him as well, you have a chance of taking over the finances. Work with the attorney who set everything up and/or an EC atty to review all documents and update any as needed. Attorney fees can be taken from THEIR assets, not yours. If a new EC attorney is used, generally you can get an initial consult (~1 hr) free of charge - just have all questions and concerns drawn up to cover as much as possible in that time!

As for compensation for assisting them, do be wise if you decide to do this and have a legit document (care contract) drawn up/notarized that clearly specifies what the services and payments will be. This will also be needed for Medicaid. If not, they will consider any payments you and your sister receive as "gifts" as well.  

As for POA (both), these *ONLY* take effect if the party/parties are deemed incompetent OR they authorize it. You cannot just take over finances or deem that they should move to AL. Despite having dementia and it no longer being safe for our mother to remain living in her condo alone, our Elder Care attorney told us we cannot just "drag her out of the house." Obviously that was not the plan, but she was adamant that she was fine, independent, yadda yadda and refused to consider moving ANYWHERE, and despite AL being in her "plan", she was dead set against the idea when it needed to be done. EC attorney suggested guardianship, but facility would not accept "committals." In the end, we had to come up with a ruse to get her to go (YB's plan was used - I stayed out of that!)

So, start with let the past be the past. It can't be changed. Work with your parents (start with dad while mom is still out of the picture) now and get them to either understand the money drain has to stop and/or allow you to take over the finances. Get as much documentation or enlist financial planner or EC atty to explain Medicaid and the penalties of "gifting". Work with EC attorney to review/update documents as needed. Show how much AL costs! If mom can be deemed competent, have any/all assets set up in a trust (irrevocable if possible) to protect them.

76 answers:  A sure sign you have touched a nerve among us:-)  I suspected, but saw no evidence of my sister being helped out.  But if parents are of sound mind they have a right to do what they wish.  Going forward however is a different matter.  If you are FINANCIAL POA, then you should be the one  up to speed on things and will know if brother asks for anything additional and then you can make a case.  Also, do you know about caregiver agreements.  Check it out and see if there should be one.  If long term care becomes necessary out of their home, and their funds run out, then there will be a potential Medicaid application, and there is a look back period, and they will be looking back at what your brother got depending on the timing...and it will be YOU responsible for providing the info probably.  I'd share my concerns with a certified elder law specialist, preferably one who charges flat fees for the consult and services provided. 
Dealing with the emotional aspects...it's tough and stirs resentment.  I don't know an easy answer to it aside from realizing you can't change it and will make yourself potentially sick if you don't accept what has happened.  Good luck.

You probably know this, but the money your parents provide may or may not offset your brothers child support. If not the exwife can still go after him and get a judgment against his wages or put his sorry hide in jail.

Jail would be perfect from all you have said, 3 hots and a cot at some one else's expense, no responsibility, no bills, just sit around and continue to be a deadbeat. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

Time to put a stop to your parents paying for their sons deadbeat behavior and get that exSIL to go after the responsible party.

Ding-a-ling hear them ring, not bells, shackles that your brother will be wearing when he goes to court for unpaid child support!

Yes, that happened to me. I found a set of trust documents stating that my parents assets would be split 50/50 between my brother and me. Then I turned the page and there was another trust document dated the very next day transferring my share, to my brother. Essentially it was a two-step process to give everything to my brother. I called an attorney and she was going to charge me $300 per hour to review the documents. I simply could not afford it. My dad had Alzheimer's so I asked my mom. She said dad always handled that stuff and she knew nothing about it. I believe her because my dad kept things from her. I know she would have taken him to task over it too.

My story is somewhat complicated. The will stated that my brother was to receive my dad's share of the family business (worth millions) and I got the house. Well the business started going down and the real estate started going up. So they downsized from this house to use the funds to help the business. Eventually my parents moved in with my family and had no house because it went into the business. Then I found out after I had been caring for them for years, that they did indeed give my brother what was left of the business and since there was no house, I got nothing.

Do what do I do now? My brother walked away with a small fortune and I got zero.

I had to weigh things and went through a myriad of feelings of anger, jealousy, hurts and abandonment. But I had to look at my life compared to my brother and that's where I took solace.
I started to count my blessings instead of focusing on the unfairness. That took years, but it eventually was settled in my heart. I am grateful for the life I have.

There's so much back story on what motivated my dad to do this and it eventually unfolded over the years. My brother was threatening him and before my dad died, he showed me the emails. It turns out my brother was unstable due to heavy drug use....someone who threw his dream life away, playing golf every weekend in Carmel, driving luxury cars, living in a sprawling ocean view home, kids in private school....to losing it all to drug addiction (both he and his wife) and doing time for dealing.
He eventually took his own life.

After his death. I got a call from my nephew. He told me that his dad (my brother) said that there was a life insurance policy for $650k on my dad which was to go to my brother and his family. I guess my brother coerced my dad into this. I found out that as dad approached 80, he could not keep up with the payments and let it go, but didn't tell my brother. I told my nephew that I didn't know of any policy and that there was no more money coming from grandpa....sorry.

Its been 10 years since his death and my dad died a year after my brother. I care for my mom now. I have the most amazing husband, children and grandchildren. Money is ebb and flow. We struggle financially, but we are content and I would not trade that for a million dollars.

My mother, who is very tight with money, gave my brother a great deal of money to try to keep him out of bankruptcy (due to not paying taxes and exceedingly high debts.) My brother calls it a loan, but of course made no attempt to repay my mother. My brother and your brother used emotional blackmail to extract funds from their parent. It's not necessarily about the "favorite" child, at least in my case.

I think that you should let your parents know that you know their secret. Once the secret is out, hopefully that will help stop them from giving him any more money.

There are a lot of answers here already so I won't go through them all (sorry!), but although 200K is a significant amount, is there enough left to meet your parents' needs for at least the foreseeable future? Or is a need for Medicaid or its equivalent a possibility?

Abby,

All of us have stories. I know an old woman whose favorite line is, “Have to do what Jesus says, go after the lost sheep.” They are lost because she never taught them how to be independent! Some parents set an example of what not to do. I am fully aware that all parents make mistakes. But some never learn from them. She is a huge gambler at casinos. Her sons are too. Her deceased husband took out a mortgage on their home to gamble. That’s just crazy! She came into lots of money, husband in Vietnam war and she got a settlement for over a million dollars She gambled over half of it away. She’s going to spend it all. So stupid. She won’t buy a cup of coffee because it’s too expensive but she will drop $1000.00 in five minutes gambling!

I cringe when I hear her misinterpretation of the Bible. Once I told her that Jesus does not want us to be a doormat. She got very mad. Oh well.

She has sons and a daughter. She lives in the upstairs part of her daughter’s house. She is lucky, can still go up and down stairs. She buys her son new trucks, fixes things in their homes, new roof and so forth. The daughter never asks for a dime. That’s how I am. I go without because I would rather handle my own finances, plus I could not handle my mom laying a guilt trip on me.

I was on the other side. My parents loaned me the money for a modular home 30 plus years ago. We went through an estate atty and he set up the contract and I pair my parents monthly with interest. One brother kept referring to my house, and mom and dad's house. He had a hard time getting beyond the fact that it was a loan AND I repaid it. Just make sure there was not agreement you are not aware of. Now, here is what we did. IF your brother is just freeloading I am sorry for that. IF you and your sister will be doing all the caregiving... ask that the parents do a quit claim deed of their home to you girls providing they own their own home. This is the payment to you for your caregiving. Again, this created a ruffle in the family, but my husband and I have put our lives on hold for nearly 10 years Had mom gone to a nursing home, the house would have been gone anyway, as she did not have long term care, and not enough money to cover 10 plus years in a care facility. So a quit claim deed was done to my husband and I. The home will remain theirs until their death, but cannot be used toward nursing home care or sold without your signatures because you are co owners.