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I feel so not myself anymore after living and caregiving 24/7 with my mother this past year. I know that people do this for a lot longer than I have so I don’t want to sound like I’m whining. She is declining and not wanting to be here anymore because of all the pain she is in. I feel terrible for her and just want her to be comfortable. I’m ok with the chores and the keeping an eye on her all the time but I must say that something in my brain feels like it has shifted. Like I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore and that I’m really stuffing my needs and feelings. I keep fantasizing about a group I can go to once or twice a week, I just feel like it would help keep me on track. Anyone have experience with this type of thing? Thanks!

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I've belonged to a local caregiver support group for the last 3 years. It saved my life! Prior to the pandemic, the group was meeting every Wednesday and Friday at our local Senior Services building. I was only able to go on Wednesdays, but it was so great to be able to share in person with other folks who were or had been going through what I was. No one understands a caregiver better than another caregiver. It was a place where we could laugh, cry, and get a hug when it was needed. Then sadly the pandemic came, and we've been meeting on Zoom ever since. It's better than nothing, but it's not the same as sitting side by side with another caregiver and sharing your struggles. And you can't give hugs either. My husband(who I was caring for)has been dead for 8 1/2 months now, but I still get on Zoom twice a week now, as I'm able to encourage and share things that I learned along the way. And hopefully in the not to near future, we will once again be meeting in person.
You can Google to see if your city offers any kinds of support groups. That's how I found the one I now belong to. Best wishes.
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sjplegacy Jun 2021
I am pleased to hear that you still participate in the support group. Most caregivers drop out when their LO dies, not realizing that they can offer so much useful information to the attendees, and although it's not specifically a grief support group, sharing their stories with others can be often be therapeutic for them.
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After loosing my wife to AD, I decided that I had to do more to create awareness of the disease, and to offer a safe outlet for dementia caregivers. I attended some support groups while my wife was in MC, and watched the emotions pour out of those in attendance who were burned out, felt helpless, and needed other people to understand the stresses of caregiving. In June of 2018, I began facilitating my own dementia support group, and prior to COVID I was moderating two more. I have since resumed one in person group and am working on getting the others up and running, one in a church and two in care facilities. I feel so honored and privileged to offer these caregivers the opportunity to freely express themselves and to offer them hope without judgment.

Support groups can be very personal. They are not the “whoa is me” sessions some people believe they are. In fact, there are moments of laughter when someone may relate a story that is humorous. They may not be humorous at the time the caregiver is experiencing them, but, in hindsight, can make people laugh, often because they, too, had the same experience. Groups can offer emotional and practical support. Attendees relate their own struggles (you don't have to say anything at all, that's fine), and find out others in the group experience the same challenges. Even your own story, if you choose to tell it, can help others in the group cope. People of all backgrounds and income levels attend these meetings. Information and suggestions are shared among the group. A support group offers a safe place where any negative emotions about caregiving can be expressed and VALIDATED.  They can also offer you ideas on how you can stay healthy.

There are support groups for many diseases; cancer, diabetes, stroke and many more. They may be held in hospitals, senior centers, churches and care facilities. Some meet monthly, some semi monthly and some even weekly. I suggest you attend one and see if it can help.
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I wish I did, but the introvert in me prevented me from doing so.

with me visiting my dad at his AL I started meeting both residents and family of residents, from there some of the family members got together for a drink after the visit and that is when we started the support group.

the support group helped me realize I was not alone with the struggles, doubts and questions I had and still have.

yes I would recommend a support group to any one caring for a LO with the following caveat; the SG has to be a good fit for you. Not all SGs are alike and know that it might take you several tries to find the one that is right for you.
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sjplegacy Jun 2021
Good for you Susan in starting your own support group. I think groups started by people who have been caregivers are the most beneficial and effective. Some of the Alz Assn facilitators have not had the experience of being a caregiver, the assn trains them to be facilitators.
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Oh I was in 2 separate caregiver groups before the pandemic and they were different and each wonderful. Now they are on zoom and it’s not the same. We hope they resume in the fall. You can get very helpful advice from others as well as compare stories or, like me, feel free to whine. Everyone understands when you complain that your loved one misplaces things and drives you crazy even though it is a not a major thing compared with with others are dealing with. I SO recommend groups to anyone caring with a disabled person. The Alzheimer’s association is a great resource or call your local aging social services organizations to your church. Also, keep a journal. It is as it you are talking to someone, not as good as a group but a helpful thing in the meantime.
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sjplegacy Jun 2021
It's great that the groups provided the support you were looking for. As a facilitator, I, too, didn't like zoom meetings. They didn't provide the person to person connection that I think is so important.
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Groups differ. People differ. Some probably find groups enormously helpful. Others may find it less helpful, listening to all those tales of woe.

Myself, I found a group a welcome break in the week. (New mother's group way way back). It gave fresh insight & I learned from the more resilient members. Looking back, I did feel drawn down by the depressed/struggling members of the group. But I am so grateful for it.

Go looking & see if it's for you. Nothing to lose.
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It's so easy for women in particular to sublimate their own needs for those of others, but this is not healthy in the long term. Take care of yourself, too! It's a good idea to get connected with local caregiver groups that can help you keep your life in balance and also may be able to tell you about local options that can provide help for you.
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I have and still do attend support groups for caregivers sponsored by my County Office of Aging. I highly recommend them.

I suggest you get out of the house often. If she can't be alone, hire someone to come in. If she doesn't have the money for that, it is time for medicaid and placement. My county, through the Office on aging, sometimes has free respite care for 20 hours.
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I moved my mother in with me a year ago and just started therapy but not with a group. I wish I could find a group. Maybe now that things are opening up, I will be able to find a place that offers this.
I found an online Christian based counseling website. Online was not my first choice, but I couldn't get anybody to call me back after leaving messages that I was interested in starting therapy.
My counselor and I write back and forth throughout the week. I have also scheduled phone sessions. So far, so good.
This site has also been a therapy for me. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in this challenging journey.
I completely get what you mean about a brain shift. For the first time in a year, I will have about 5 full days of freedom as my sister is taking my mother. A friend asked me to come up with something to do...something I really want to do. So far I can't think of anything. Isn't that something?? I fear I have become a boring person who only knows how to cook, clean, and whip a wheelchair into the back of a car.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2021
Call the assisted living facilities and nursing homes in your area to see if they have support groups. Some have meetings on their premises.
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Support Groups do help.
I belonged to 2 one a Support Group for Spouses. Most of the women, there were a few men, the spouses had dementia of some type so it was helpful to talk about what might happen, has happened and share some of the things I did to help and learn what others did to help in their situation. I was also a member of a VA Support Group and I learned what programs might be of use and I was able to get help and support from the VA.
You can also look to find out if there are any Adult Day Care programs in your area. Some of the programs will also have Support Groups in the same building and you can take advantage of both.
Alzheimer's Association has lists of Support Groups associated with them.
Your local Senior Center may have a list of Support Groups as well.
Andy if you belong to a Church or other place of worship they also may have a Support Group.
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I am so not a group person, but I bit the bullet and went to one of only two support groups specifically for adult children caregiving for those with Alzheimer's or Dementia. The group was a great mix of people who still had a sense of humor, the facilitator was skilled, and experienced, compassionate and knowledgable. But then the philosophy of management of the Alzheimer's Assn changed, and she departed and staff who liked to lecture took over, then switched to unskilled inept volunteers as co leaders. ONe by one people began to not show up, the group disintegrated, and I still tried. But I had some significant stuff to discuss and was not included in the discussion, two meetings in a row, and I'd had enough, that was it, I was done.
If you choose more private help, of course that is expensive. My recent experience was being turned away by 3 professionals who were all cutting back on their hours or looking toward retirement. Finally found someone, but I don't think we're a match. Small comfort but I think our identity begins to change and we are so much identifying ourselves as caregivers....when we are so much more than that and so much of who we were before doing caregiving. We just signed my mom up for Hospice, I wonder if that might be an option or any help for you? You do not at all sound like you are whining...and even if you did, we all get it and you're entitled.
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