Long story short my mother has been experiencing "memory issues". My siblings think she is faking and have all but washed their hands of her. We had her tested in 2020 and they felt like it was normal memory loss due to aging. I just had her tested again with the neuro-psychologist and now he says possible dementia AND possible Alzheimer's. However, I don't have much faith in this doctor because of some issues that arose so I'm taking her back to the neurologist for another MRI to compare. She has always been an attention seeker and would pout when she didn't get her way until my father gave in, and he always did. My father now has prostate cancer which has mastisized into bone cancer. She does not like it that he is getting more attention than her. I do feel like she is having some issues but she is making more out of it than is there. I just cannot give up on her. You can definitely tell when she's "putting on" but I'm not a confrontational person so I usually just ignore her behavior. I was looking for answers to prove my siblings wrong and came across an article on Psuedodementia. I'm praying I found the answer!
I saw this term (apparently written with a straight face) on a hospital discharge summary - "acopia." Which really and truly does translate into "not coping."
Your mother has been coddled by a loving husband, and thereby has been protected from having to lead an adult life. Said loving husband - and your and your siblings' lovely dad - is now seriously ill, needs care himself, and can't continue to cushion her. So would it be surprising if she's scared stiff, jealous and desperate for attention all at the same time? - added to which, by the way, none of the above would actually *prevent* her from also developing standard cognitive decline, or worse. Stress certainly doesn't help if a person may be vulnerable to or afraid of dementia.
What do you think she wants out of this, a certified medical opinion that you and your siblings hereby have to provide her with the same unconditional indulgent support that your father did? Recognition that your father's illness is actually much worse for her than for anyone else?
If I were you I'd pick only those battles you need to in order to defend the essential boundaries. Fight like a tiger over any demands she makes which might negatively impact on your father, for example, but when it's only a matter of talking pleasant about how unique and special she is let her believe what she likes.
Definitely don't waste time on proving your siblings wrong. They're not. You're just calling things by different names and so talking at cross purposes, is all. Are any of the "issues" your mother is experiencing of practical importance?
Cognition tests do not lie. Elders, however, can and do Showtime for others meaning they can put on the Ritz making small talk and fool others into thinking they're fine when they aren't.
Dementia is not par for the course with "normal aging" and we should not expect all elders to suffer from it, not by any means.
If mom has scored sufficiently low on a MoCA or SLUMS cognitive exam, that's all you need to "believe" her diagnosis. Its all we had to go on with my mother who progressed accordingly with her dementia right down the line until she died in Feb 2022 with advanced dementia. Sure, she still had personality deficits intact, even w dementia at play, but they became less and less as the dementia advanced.
Some people will always be attention seekers which doesn't mean they dont suffer from dementia....just that it's harder to believe on our part for the Boy Who Cried Wolf theatrics they've overplayed.
Not sure what difference it makes what her reasons are for doing what she is doing, a label means nothing, it is just a word.
I would be more interested in figuring out what to do with her after your fathers dies.
What are the plans? Your siblings are basically done, based on your comments are you are looking forward to being her caregiver, since you cannot give up on her?
Dementia is very tricky and managing a person with that brain disease is difficult at best, there is no cure and no way to stop the progression. When you father dies the real challenge will begin, start planning for it.
Good Luck!
I am very sorry about your father’s prostate cancer. My husband was fortunate to catch his early. He opted for radiation therapy over surgery and is in remission.
You say that your mom has always been an attention seeker. This makes it super hard for you to know exactly what is going on. If her disturbing behavior was new, then you would suspect that something was definitely wrong.
If you are not comfortable with this particular doctor, do you think that you should switch to another one? It’s important to be comfortable with a doctor.
Best wishes to you and your family.
So many times, we help people out of love and care for our loved ones.
The trouble occurs if we go above and beyond a normal range of assistance. We wouldn’t do this for anyone else.
Certain people expect family members to move heaven and earth for them. It’s simply too much to endure!
I had no idea that a UTI affected the elderly so drastically before I read it in this forum.
I wish doctors would inform people about this more often than they do. I had never been told about how serious UTI’s are for the elderly from my mom’s doctors. Fortunately, she didn’t suffer with UTI’s on a regular basis. She only had a couple of them.
Her brother had a very serious UTI and became septic. He almost died. That was the moment that he finally realized that he needed to live in a skilled nursing facility. He should have gone years before that occurrence. He was stubborn and wouldn’t leave his home.
There are many simple easy tests that you can do for dementia that may make you believe that what you mom is doing is not mere attention seeking or "normal aging" as was thought in 2020. Can she draw a clock, put in the dial, set it for 11:15? Ask her to spell Forum backwards. If she cannot, that is likely not for attention.
You are three years down the line from 2020. You have had a neuro-psyc give you what he thinks is a diagnosis now; he should discuss with you, if you're POA, WHY he comes to this conclusion.
I think the MRI is not a bad idea just in terms of looking at changes.
Since you are in your own mind so uncertain I would get that MRI, and then would take that to a second neuro-psyc consult. I think you will either have more evidence to show YOUR thinking on this is correct, or more to accept that the diagnosis is correct.
I sure wish you the best of luck.
Do know that an MRI doesn't always give a full picture. Can tell you about grey matter and white matter but not always tell you until autopsy, how severe and dementia is/was, and sometimes not even then with autopsy.
My mother is the same kind of attention seeker yours is. She can remember every mistake I've ever made in my life and loves to retell the most humiliating and embarrassing times of my life to whoever will listen.
Yet can never recall a single good deed I've ever done for her one that either of my husbands have done for her, and they both did plenty for her.
She will remember the smallest kindness someone did for her 50 years ago in stunning detail and will elevate that person to sainthood, but never me or mine. Yet really, I'm the only one who ever did anything for her. I think your mother and mine are very alike.
The selective dementia is kind of like when a child pretends a "boo-boo" for sympathy and attention. Only with a senior it usually comes with a side-order of passive/aggressive spite and trouble-making.
I was a caregiver by profession for 25 years and am now in the homecare business. So I know all about the "putting it on nonsense" and I will tell you what I've always done with a senior who did this, client or family member. Totally ignore them and do not get play their game.
Completely ignore her when she's "putting it on". Pay her no attention whatsoever. In fact, pretend she is not even there if you happen to be with her in person.
If she starts "putting it on" when you're talking to her on the phone, that is when you end the call.
Tell her plainly that you will not tolerate any complaining or drama from her. Your siblings should do the same.
She is not a child with a "boo-boo" who wants more attention. She's an adult and you should treat her like one.
I think they have selective hearing too because they only hear what they choose to hear and ignore the rest.
People catch on to their antics though and they can’t get away with their actions anymore.
Not everyone can be a caregiver.
Is Mom communicating she cannot effectively be Dad's caregiver? Or cannot cope taking the lead role? Can't become the 'Manager' to run a care team for Dad without his/your's/other's copious help?
Do your parents live in their own home? Have home supports? Have access to increase supports as their needs increase?
Maybe it's time to sit them all down, parents & adult children, to find a Plan B.