Hello- my mom is soon to be 93 yro, lives alone in FL and, of course, wants to be independent. I live 500 miles away and fly down monthly or so to check on her, live. As someone stated, my sister and I are 2 senior citizens propping up our 93 yro mom to be independent, and she is totally dependent on us. We have used the "be a snow bird" and others have encouraged her including her PCP many times. We are trying one again, and bringing her home with me this week for a "visit" and to see my sister, too. We have picked out 2 Independent/Asst Living places and plan to take her to visit so she can choose. It's highly likely she will get very angry about it. She has def signs of dementia specifically short term memory. We have a companion come in 13 hrs/wk and no one else to check on her. She handles ADL but I see her slowing down and she is still DRIVING. If Plan A fails (moving her w/lots of resentment on her part) my sister and I agreed that will request her PCP to report her to the DMV. She should not be driving. My 2 questions: 1) has anyone moved their parent, and it totally angered them - how did you handle it? and 2) has anyone every reported their parent with dementia to the DMV? and did they revoke their license?
Side note... having the Medical Board make this decision takes the blame off of you.... it did me....
I ask because my husband is a doctor and I thought it was strictly for licensing doctors, check on their credentials and also disciplining bad docs and or taking away their licenses.
Is it possible your letter went to a kind hearted soul who decided to help on their own time?
It’s interesting; at any rate I am glad you received help from them.
The wall of guilt..
The longing in the eyes, voice, and demeanor.. It was agonizing...
hence the WALL OF GUILT... and it is still up...lil by lil... Yes, quickly goes up,, and....
:(
yes, role reversal.
HE has seen it multiple times... So, one day, he said to take the car keys ... period...
ok.... no ma, yo cannot drive anymore...sorry...
And the insurance to go on top of that? yikes...
and my friend was hit by a senior... mistook the gas pedal for the brake.. t-boned him... car was totaled.. Thank goodness it was on the passenger side that took the bulk of the hit....
And a years back.. a senior drove down the Santa Monica Board Walk, and ran over 5 or 6 people...he was confused.. That was before public walking spaces put up the big giant steel posts that would stop a car from proceeding ...
A friend was an insurance broker... he told a story of an old lady driving in a parking lot, ran over a person, got very confused... backed up, because she didn't know what she ran over, car went over the injured, the proceeded to put the car back into drive and drove over that person again...
Think about all the fun lawsuits you can be enjoying if mom gets into an accident.. nobody to witness this old lady did not cause the accident.. whose story is going to be believed? The young one or the old one with dementia?
Oh ya... my friend found out her mother had brain cancer, ,because the LAST CAR ACCIDENT MOM CAUSED within 3 weeks OF each other, mom had to have a CT SCAN... head injuries... her car rolled. Thats how fast she was driving... She passed away soon after.. Very progressive brain cancer...and they were still in lawsuits with the previous accidents.. The last accident she was the only one involved, thank goodness.
One near us, has a large van, and they will drop people off at the shopping area, and pick them back up or wait for them...
That is a perk some facilities offer... But you need to check into it.
Check with the Florida Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles as to what will happen and what test(s) will be required these days if you report your mom.
You could help pay the insurance or upkeep or gas and let the companion drive Ms. Daisy around.
I'm 86 and drive locally during the day but have voluntarily stopped driving at night or in bad weather. I avoid freeway driving unless it's absolutely essential. Particularly since COVID, our area has experienced a significant increase in confrontational drivers. There have been more than a few "road rage" shooting incidents on our freeways. Scary! I can no longer always go where I'd like or do what I once did, but that's the trade-off. I'm a careful driver with no accidents (so far).
I guess my point is that it may not always be all-in or all-out when it comes to driving unless the person is clearly a danger to self or others. Older adults may be able to make a responsible decision of their own volition. (Admittedly, it will make life much more challenging if/when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I think/hope I will know when that time has come.)
[p.s. 'just reporting' just mean your mother won't drive. Likely she will.]
1. Someone needs to take a part out of her car so it will not start.
2. Plug up the key hole (w/glue) so key won't go in (if car requires a key).
You need to replace her car key on her 'key ring' with another key that won't work.
NO CAREGIVER should be allowing her to get in a car. If this continues fire this caregiver and get another one that will abide by your direction(s).
This is something that YOU must handle...
Take action now. This is your responsibility.
You do not want your mother to kill someone and this is a 100% possibility, along with herself.
See TEEPA SNOW's website. She has webinars / videos about elders / driving / what to do.
Is your mom insured to drive?
Does your mom has medical documentation indicating she is unable to drive and/or has dementia and not allowed to drive? If yes, provide to DMV by Fed Ex. You need to go see her tomorrow and handle this.
Of course people here have family members / parents who have been angered.
I am unclear what you are asking / what your needs are?
Are you afraid that your mother will get mad at you?
If you are making choices based on this fear, you need someone else to handle this very dangerous situation. And, get into therapy for yourself. You are not making healthy decisions for yourself, your mother, or anyone in the streets or sidewalks - someone is potentially going to get maimed or killed. It could be a child, a family in another car. Do something. You know what to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
I am in NY so can only speak to what happened here. Our DMV website lets you anonymously report an unsafe driver. You aren't anonymous to the DMV, but you are to the person you are reporting. They will get a letter from the DMV to report for a road test. When I took my mom for the "ridiculous" test, she couldn't even pass the written part, which was required for the actual road test. License suspended immediately. It took my about 9 months to be able to sell her car. I ended up getting $5k less selling it last October than CarMax offered me in May, but que sera sera. She would not allow me to sell it, "I'm going to get my license back".
As I have POA, I went to the elder care attorney in January, as after having Covid my mom could no longer be alone, ever. We had been paying for four hours of care a day, which was ok until she got sick (what a fun Christmas that was, me alone with my mom with dementia, both of us with Covid) to start the Medicaid application. After Christmas we were paying for 24/7 care at home. I had a very nice facility already picked out. The day of admission, I told her that I had to take her for a mandatory test in order to keep her insurance. Dementia = white lies go unchallenged. When she found out she was staying there, she went batshit ballistic. Her PCP at the facility immediately put her on Seroquel. My mom has been there since March and is a VIP patient based on my friendly relationship with the ED of the facility. She is getting great care, everything is clean, and she even has a private room. Even the food it good!
She still has her days when she wants to "go home", and meltdowns. The staff know how to care for her and handle her. She doesn't love it there, but that is irrelevant as I know she is getting exemplary care.
In hindsight I worried way too much. Please do what is necessary in FL to get her license taken. I hope you have POA so you can sell her car and do whatever else is necessary without being challenged. Best of luck. YOU CAN DO it!!
I reported both my patents to DMV. This was in NY and each state is different. My dad was the first. He drank everyday and his vision was going so I downloaded the form filled it out and sent it. It took a few weeks but they (DMV) sent him a notice that he needed to do a driving test. He went and took the test and failed. My mom (or in your case, someone you know who lives near your mom) had to drive him to the test in case he failed. They told him he could retake the test and perhaps get his license back but he never did. A year and a half later my mom was showing signs of dementia. Short term memory loss and some frustration. After watching her for months and knowing that she was now the only driver in the house, we became worried. So my sister and I reported her. In NY they do not tell the person being tested who reported them to DMV. That was my sisters biggest worry. She did not want my parents to be angry with her. I understand that, but there are innocent people out there and old drivers can cause accidents. I was not comfortable with my mom's ability to continue driving. Anyway, I don't remember how she got to the driving test, probably a friend (my sister and I live in different states from my parents), but my mom failed the test too. So now neither of them could drive and they had no interest in hiring someone to come into their home to help them.
Long story short. My mom continued to drive, We told her over and over if you get in an accident, you will go to jail. She would not listen. So just know you can advise DMV that your parent is dangerous behind the wheel, but if they take the license away, NO ONE IS GOING TO ENFORCE IT. The police do not care, APS will not intervene. My mom never got into an accident but my sister and I worried about that happening all the time. We finally came and took the keys, but know that they can get the car towed and have new keys made. Hopefully your mom is not that determined.
Now they are in a nursing home. Do they resent us, probably. Did we try everything we could to get them help and keep them safe in their home, YES we did. In the end try to tell your mom:
Make decisions today for what you want tomorrow. Life is changing and if you do not make your choices today, in a manner that safely protects you and your community, you may not get those choices tomorrow.
For your peace of mind do what your gut tells you regardless of whether she gets mad at you. You could save someones life. You could save her life.
Good luck and I wish you the very best with your decisions.
As I mentioned, all this can be done anonymously. Our mom was furious and was determined to find out who reported her. For months she obsessively asked us and her doctors if we knew who did it. Fortunately, the DMV would not tell her so I have not had to directly incur her wrath, but I do have to listen to her fume about it to this day, a year later. That said, it was all worth it to know she is not on the road anymore.
Cuz you need a plan, you can't just get her license revoked without a way for her to get her needs met, that would be cruel.
Just tell mom you're getting older and want to spend more time with her and that is why she needs to move closer. Tell her you are struggling to manage things from 500 miles away.
As far as the driving goes, if she is still fighting you on it, you can send a letter to the BMV and tell them that your mom has dementia and shouldnt be driving. You can ask them to test her. They will send her a letter asking her to come in for a test. It will take care of itself.
At one point, months later, when she brought it up, I just said, “Mom. I know that was a hard blow to your independence, but I think you and I both know that you should not be driving.” She didn’t have a response and never brought it up again. She passed away at the age of 96 in AL and not in a car accident possibly injuring someone else as well as herself.
This was in NC and I know states have different guidelines, but it’s our story.