So I've been on this forum for a while, going through the Hell of dealing with my mom's decline after having two strokes within a year and developing vascular dementia. I gave up my job, and since we already lived together I devoted myself to being her full-time caregiver, believing the hospital when they told me that she needed time and rest and she would get better. She hasn't. To say that the past month has been hard would be a dramatic understatement. Mom is not to blame for anything because I know she can't help it, but it's been impossibly painful and difficult nonetheless. Mom is incapable of taking care of any of her personal needs, and I'm pretty sure that her meds are to blame for this but she has had uncontrolled diarrhea at least two or three times per day for a while. I tried contacting her doctor about it but they are incredibly slow. A few days ago she woke up very disoriented, aggressive, and when I tried to tell her we needed to go to the hospital, she grabbed my wrists and squeezed until bruises appeared, then spit in my face when I called 911. They admitted her to the hospital and, shocker to no one, she has another UTI. She keeps getting infections because she is unaware of proper bathroom habits and, as much as I try to keep her clean, I cannot do so 24/7. She is restless at night, wanders our small apartment like she's lost, and most frighteningly tried to go out the front door about a week ago. I have tried my best to take care of her, but with her third hospital visit in two months, I have to face facts that it's not working. I am also trying to take care of myself and as a type 2 diabetic I am suffereing big time. I am exhausted, depressed, stressed to the max and now I am worried about her safety as well as her health. She is currently in the hospital, and I have made the decision to keep her there until she can be placed in an assisted living facility, at least for the time being. I never, ever wanted my mom to go to a home, but I truly do not see any other alternative. In addition, since she didn't sign up for Medicare and she has too much money in her savings for Medicaid, we now have to spend most of her money (and my entire inheritance) to private pay for a facility until her assets reach $2,000, at which point Medicaid will kick in. So now I'm jobless, terrified, wracked by guilt and sadness and fear and uncertainty, and I have to go tour an assisted living facility tomorrow. I hope I can do so without vomiting. My mom is only 65 and I'm only 37, and yet I feel like my life is total chaos and every ounce of security that I've ever had is gone. I don't see an alternative to my decision, but I also don't see any scenario in which mom and I will be happy. Strokes and dementia are unbearably cruel.
At 37 you are far too young to give up your life to care for your mom. I am sure if you were to get in Sherman and Peabody’s wayback machine (and you will have to google that cuz you are too young to have seen the show) and ask your mom if she would want you to give up your job, your life to care for her I am 99.99% sure she would not want that for you.
You can be her advocate, care manager you don’t have to be a full time caregiver.
Look for a Memory Care facility that will take care of her, they can be the caregivers and you can be her daughter.
Meanwhile, do not feel guilty. Because it should go like this:
Step 1: The senior is legally independent in their own home. At which point do stuff for them as you are able, but you're not their unpaid workhorse. They should be thanking you at Step 1 or even perhaps slipping you some pin money for this.
Step 2: The senior's needs have devolved so that they want you or need you to do everything. That should only be done if you have POA over everything if you're supposed to do everything. They should be grateful. If they are not but are acting up, and if fecal or violent behavior is involved, there is no choice but...
Step 3: They need to go into a facility. By this time it's not usually AL, but usually the best memory care or SNF she can afford, and if not the family can make sure she gets one of the nicer medicaid beds. They should still be grateful, but if they haven't through 1 and 2, I doubt it would hold true in Stage 3.
About the job offer you turned down, when things are more sorted out is it possible to check and see if that employer might still be interested? My impression is that there are a lot of businesses looking to hire good people now.
totally agree.
you really, really tried rosewater.
i guess you have considered also the idea of hiring professional caregivers to come to the house? sometimes that’s cheaper/better than a facility.
but i understand, sometimes the situation has gone too far/there are too many problems/illness too deep/too dangerous, and a facility is needed.
i wish you well, and your mother too!!
See if the ALFs you visit will consider an initial trial period. That will give you a breathing space so that you're not having to make final decisions at exactly the point when you're under so much pressure.
Best of luck, let us know how it's going.
My mother's Memory Care cost 7,000/ monthly. She's affording that via LTC insurance combined with her SS/retirement savings. Her LTC will last about 4 more years, then it will be all private pay. But she is 91, and unlikely to outlive her money. Many assisted living/ memory care do not have Medicaid beds. Those are mostly in regular nursing homes. Depending on her finances, it might make more sense to start out in a nursing home, to avoid having to move when she qualifies for Medicaid.
When you tour, make sure that you ask about payment options.
You’re a good daughter. You have nothing to feel guilty about when you place your mother. You’re seeing that she gets the care she needs.
it's very clear you gave your absolute best to your mother, and you continue to do so. i'm sure if your mother could see everything you're doing for her, she would be very, very grateful.
you wrote a few day ago:
"I am exhausted, depressed, stressed to the max"
i really hope every day, the situation is improving for both you and your mother, and that good solutions are appearing.
bundle of joy
Medicaid may require her to sign up, ask them, because it gets more expensive the longer you wait. They may refuse certain coverage because she is eligible and not signed up with Medicare, coverage is not guaranteed by Medicaid, do everything you can to mitigate the situation.
I can't feel sorry that mom has to use her money for her care and you don't get an inheritance. Put your big girl panties on and earn your living and retirement, it is your responsibility to provide for your future.
Were you able to tour facilities? How did it go?
Big big sigh. That's about it.
We don't want ourselves or loved ones to get old, ill, suffer quick fatal accidents or diseases & certainly not long drawn out cognitive decline. But ..it happens.
I wish I had more to offer you than a forum ((hug)). But you have a plan now. It's OK to feel anger & sadness too.
do not feel guilt over this decision. She can’t make it for herself and it is clear she will be safer in a facility with people trained to deal with her situation. You can go back to work and take better care of yourself which will enable you to take better care of her.
Dad just passed away and my Mom is on Hospice but stable. I see her most days, I handle all the finances, bills, etc. and try to make sure she has a good quality of life. We don’t dump them at the door and leave. We still care for them but the medical help is there.
Regarding finances, know that your Moms funds are for your Mom’s care, nothing more, nothing less. If in the end, there is money left, then that’s what would be your inheritance.
Now more importantly on to her care, if the current arrangements are not working, then do look around, research and feel good about your decision. It’s not to say that if you move your mom out that you can’t bring her back to your place.
If you decide to keep your Mom where she is at, may I suggest getting a part-time caregiver perhaps in the mornings or every other morning to give you some time to regroup.
Remember too that this forum is a great community to get advice from and sometimes just vent. I know in caring for my mom that there were times I just did not think I could do it anymore and I would come to this forum, vent and then put my big girl boots on and go back to it.
My dear Mom has been gone almost two years now and I look back on my time caring for her and while it was the hardest thing I have done, I am honored to have had the opportunity to care for her and provide her with a loving place to end her final journey,
You and your mom are young. Your mom could live a long time regardless of her present condition. That takes money. I suggest you seek the assistance of a certified elder attorney to help you navigate your moms care financially and legally. She won’t be the first person to have a catastrophic event occur at retirement age.
Each persons state laws and personal circumstances are unique and this collective forum, while knowledgable of their own personal experiences, can’t give you the level of advice you need now. There is no place more expensive than the hospital to have her placed in a holding pattern and in spite of what you want to do, it’s doubtful they will allow her to stay there if no additional treatment is called for at
this time. They will be ruthless in trying to get their money reimbursed. I am sorry for what you are going through but pull yourself together and get the (assumed) insurance benefits your mom is entitled to. You have nothing more important to do than act on this immediately. Dont let yourself get distracted or hooked into others opinions. It’s time for action in order for you and mom to have a better life. Being in assisted living is a good thing, not a bad thing but it’s really only for those who can afford it. Seek legal counsel.
Tthankfully she had already done POA papers for she and my Dad because he had dementia and she was trying to be prepared for him
God bless her. None of us expected her to need them first.
My Mom took care of both my Dad's parents when they became I'll and had cared for him for years with his dementia. She was adamant about never wanting to go into any type of facility and I swore I'd never let that happen.
However, the stroke left her completely paralyzed on her entire left side. Couple that with Dad's dementia and I didn't really have a choice. My husband and I did move 9 hours to be closer to them and visited daily until covid prohibited it.
I remember being where you are. It's overwhelming and scary. And sad. Yes, you know it's your Mom's money and she needs it. I can tell you are not a greedy person. But it's sad to have to spend her hard earned money like that when you know it's not what she would want. I would gave gladly spent every dime if it could make Mom whole again. But spending all of her money so she could still be miserable was a terrible thought. As was the thought she wouldn't have enough for what she needed.
I agree it sounds like skilled care may be more the level she needs. Ask her doctor and hospital social worker.
Ddefinitely go see a lawyer specializing in elder care so you can save what you can.
Keep your eyes open when you visit the facility. Check out what they serve for meals. Notice if it smells clean. One thing we also had trouble with one place was the facility over medicated Mom so she would sleep all the time. Check out Medicare ratings (you can google them) to compare care options.
Yyou've done the best you can do for your Mom. She's lucky to have you. Hang in there!
Here is what I found in Bellingham Washington when I Googled it:
Morningstar Senior Living LLC
2315 Williams St, Bellingham, WA 98225
(360) 920-9598
Give them a call & see what they have to say; if they'll do an assessment on your mom (as all ALs will do before they agree to accept a resident) and what the monthly charges will be.
So try to change your thinking and redirect it now; understand that mom will be getting the kind of care she needs, and you can go back to being the daughter again instead of her full time caregiver. Then you can go visit her whenever you want and bring her small gifts & spend some quality time together w/o the anxiety and worry about how to clean her up and care for her needs all by yourself. You're not doing a 'bad' thing; you're doing a kind thing.
My mother is very ill with advanced dementia & a ton of other health issues & has lived in AL since 2014, and now Memory Care since 2019. It's been the best, most life saving decision for BOTH of us, honestly. She gets great care, and I get to live a life while still managing HERS from home. It's not like we 'give up' on them; just that we allow teams of caregivers and nurses to do the hands on caring for us. Please recognize that and let yourself heal from the guilt you've heaped onto yourself unnecessarily. You didn't ask for your mom to get sick but sick she is, and this is what's necessary for her wellbeing.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.