So I've been on this forum for a while, going through the Hell of dealing with my mom's decline after having two strokes within a year and developing vascular dementia. I gave up my job, and since we already lived together I devoted myself to being her full-time caregiver, believing the hospital when they told me that she needed time and rest and she would get better. She hasn't. To say that the past month has been hard would be a dramatic understatement. Mom is not to blame for anything because I know she can't help it, but it's been impossibly painful and difficult nonetheless. Mom is incapable of taking care of any of her personal needs, and I'm pretty sure that her meds are to blame for this but she has had uncontrolled diarrhea at least two or three times per day for a while. I tried contacting her doctor about it but they are incredibly slow. A few days ago she woke up very disoriented, aggressive, and when I tried to tell her we needed to go to the hospital, she grabbed my wrists and squeezed until bruises appeared, then spit in my face when I called 911. They admitted her to the hospital and, shocker to no one, she has another UTI. She keeps getting infections because she is unaware of proper bathroom habits and, as much as I try to keep her clean, I cannot do so 24/7. She is restless at night, wanders our small apartment like she's lost, and most frighteningly tried to go out the front door about a week ago. I have tried my best to take care of her, but with her third hospital visit in two months, I have to face facts that it's not working. I am also trying to take care of myself and as a type 2 diabetic I am suffereing big time. I am exhausted, depressed, stressed to the max and now I am worried about her safety as well as her health. She is currently in the hospital, and I have made the decision to keep her there until she can be placed in an assisted living facility, at least for the time being. I never, ever wanted my mom to go to a home, but I truly do not see any other alternative. In addition, since she didn't sign up for Medicare and she has too much money in her savings for Medicaid, we now have to spend most of her money (and my entire inheritance) to private pay for a facility until her assets reach $2,000, at which point Medicaid will kick in. So now I'm jobless, terrified, wracked by guilt and sadness and fear and uncertainty, and I have to go tour an assisted living facility tomorrow. I hope I can do so without vomiting. My mom is only 65 and I'm only 37, and yet I feel like my life is total chaos and every ounce of security that I've ever had is gone. I don't see an alternative to my decision, but I also don't see any scenario in which mom and I will be happy. Strokes and dementia are unbearably cruel.
Meanwhile, do not feel guilty. Because it should go like this:
Step 1: The senior is legally independent in their own home. At which point do stuff for them as you are able, but you're not their unpaid workhorse. They should be thanking you at Step 1 or even perhaps slipping you some pin money for this.
Step 2: The senior's needs have devolved so that they want you or need you to do everything. That should only be done if you have POA over everything if you're supposed to do everything. They should be grateful. If they are not but are acting up, and if fecal or violent behavior is involved, there is no choice but...
Step 3: They need to go into a facility. By this time it's not usually AL, but usually the best memory care or SNF she can afford, and if not the family can make sure she gets one of the nicer medicaid beds. They should still be grateful, but if they haven't through 1 and 2, I doubt it would hold true in Stage 3.
At 37 you are far too young to give up your life to care for your mom. I am sure if you were to get in Sherman and Peabody’s wayback machine (and you will have to google that cuz you are too young to have seen the show) and ask your mom if she would want you to give up your job, your life to care for her I am 99.99% sure she would not want that for you.
You can be her advocate, care manager you don’t have to be a full time caregiver.
Look for a Memory Care facility that will take care of her, they can be the caregivers and you can be her daughter.