Have you ever had a friend help you with your aging loved one?
I had a friend helping me and my mom after I had a bad experience with a home health aide. I wish I had never done that because the friend has gotten comfortable in my house..she was a huge help but it has gotten ugly to the point she has become stalkerish. I am in the midst of a problem. She started staying over my house since my mom became very ill and I no longer had a health aide for my mom. This friend volunteered to help out (nights and weekends only), ran errands on the weekend, etc. I've known her some time and I never suspected this but now after having her practically living with us, I suspect she has mental illness..since having her stay here i am noticing things. For example, I hear her talking to herself in the bathroom and she has loud outbursts with my mom and with me. She has bad hygiene..doesnt wash her hands or shower regularly. She smells sometimes. She's been here 2 months now. To date mom has gotten better and it is not necessary for her to stay overnight anymore. I told her I feel more at ease now being alone with mom and not needing to have her stay overnight anymore.. She was reluctant to leave. She says to me, "oh, ok ive got things to do anyway..but are you sure..I'll stay just one more night.. I said, it's OK, we're fine. She says, alright..if anything just call 911. So she leaves. Next day she is ringing my bell just like every night, plops down on her favorite chair..hours pass..until I say to her that my mom and I are tired and we're going to bed. (I said that to give her a cue that she could go.) She says , Ok.. good night..I'm going to have my snack..so she stood there in the kitchen munching away. Again, I had to remind her that its ok for her to go home. My mom then came back out and intervened.."are you going home?.. she says, "no, I'll stay another night".. My mom says to her "you look tired..maybe you'd rather sleep in your own bed instead of the sofa here" (thanks mom) She says, "well, okay! If you want me to go, I'll go! Good night! Aannnd...She was back again the next night.. to be continued.. Help??
I would also change the locks.
I am reading your post as you do not need her help at all any longer.
If you still need help, hire an aide .
Free help turned into free housing.
The result of unclear communication? Possibly a combination of you (& Mother) not clearly saying not to.. but also the friend being deaf to hints, manners or social norms.
Direct clear discussion on what her role is is needed. ASAP
If this is not your style, you feel this will be too uncomfortable, or even dangerous, then make alternative arrangements first.
Obtain a new care agency. Interview & hire a new aide.
To the friend say "Thankyou so much" & give her a nice parting gift. Make it clear her role as Carer was appreciated - but now over.
That may restore the balance somewhat - as working for you for free she may feel hard done by.
Ask politely to call first before visiting due to ... (make something up). Each time she drops in without calling you first, you will need to be ready. "Sorry, not a good time" etc. Could you do that?
If you have her mobile or email, make sure to send a written version of that so that you have proof that she was informed... just in case you need it. Maybe consider having a Ring or camera doorbell installed, this way you can see who is at the door and then choose not to answer it at all if it's her.
If she keeps returning you should start reporting her to the police. You can then show the cops the text you sent her to tell her to stop coming and that she is now trespassing. If she is mentally ill, then the usual reason and logic may not work with her so you need to be proactive to protect yourself, just in case.
How old is this friend? Is it possible she has the beginnings of memory or cognitive impairment?
If she returns do not answer the door.
If you need help you contact an agency and hire through an agency.
Another option would be to contact your local Community College and ask if they have a CNA program and find out how to hire a student that has recently gone through the Certification Program.
You can also contact your local Senior Service Center and see if your mom would qualify for any programs that they have, some may provide caregivers for a few hours.
Another option your Area Agency on Aging may have programs mom would qualify for.
If mom or her husband was a Veteran the VA she may qualify for programs through the VA.
I will probably get all kinds of bs for saying this but, seriously, this friend helps you and your mom, free of charge for 2 months and your gratitude is shown by posting that she has bad hygiene and stinks, can't get rid of her. Dang, I can not even imagine treating someone like you are treating this woman that gave you both a gift that would have costs you thousands of dollars to hire. Gratitude is obviously not in your makeup or you would not be pussy footing around now that you no longer need her free services, you would have had an honest talk instead of bashing her. I guess that's what it looks like when someone is done using another. Sheesh!
You are allowing yourselves to be easily manipulated by someone clearly happy to do just that.
What you have described is more than unkempt, more than "probably" mentally ill.
What you have described looks seriously like mental illness to me.
Sure, try RealyReal's thing first, but when that doesn't work it is going to have to be that you tell that person you do not want her showing up or calling any more. Just that. No explanation and no argument, but simply that they are not to call or show up at the door anymore.
And if she does you are going to have to call the authorities.
The next step is restraining order.
What I don't understand here is how this FRIEND (just how good a friend WAS this, and how long had you known this person you describe as smelly and unkempt and muttering to herself???) got this far.
To be honest, I don't understand how you allowed this to happen.
When someone questionably mentally ill is allowed to manipulate a situation this far you are correct, they move to stalker. And stalkers are ALWAYS AND WITHOUT EXCEPTION DANGEROUS.
And the breaking up of a stalking situation is ALWAYS problematic.
Whether another friend, hopefully a male, or a Faith based community friend, or a HIRED guard, I would seriously consider now having a Lion at the door in this situation for some period of time.
You may need protection.
I also think you should consider a trip to your local police station/sheriff office to explain what is happening here and ask for advice and options.
I think a nice gift card or prepaid card would be a nice thank you.
Some here think this woman was used and is a total innocent.
Some think she may be dangerous.
I am SOLIDLY in this latter group. Her responses are not those of your average person.
Whatever is the case you need now to be honest with her and ask her not to contact you again. I would consider the gift card, gift basket, whatever you like, and in future do not accept the help of someone you do not know at all, and especially without financial recompense. I know you are desperate. I am sorry for that. But this has become somewhat a disaster no matter how you look at it.
Once you are honest with this woman you will soon enough know if she will go on her way, or NOT. I hope if not you will contact authorities. I am worried about you, and from what you have said I do consider this woman unstable.
Hope you'll update us. I surely do wish you the best.
ANY person that would use a volunteer caregiver for 2 months, free of charge and then run their character into the ground, obviously, is not sharing everything and playing victim screams there is an ax to grind.
The lack of gratitude or responsibility speaks volumes.