Any tips on having conversation about moving to ALF?
Mom lives alone in home and says nighttime care is too expensive. Mom wants to stay in her home with her dog and has been unwilling to have "the conversation" about considering moving to ALF and selling her house. Siblings feel she can make decisions for herself. She has dementia but is not declared of incapacity. She is depressed and lonely most of the time, and says she is ready to die. She allowed me to set up hired care givers to come to fix simple meals or take her to the doctor. I live 8 hours away, visit every month and am POA. She DOES have the money but does not want to spend it on her own care. She thinks it would be hiring someone to sleep in her house and is not rationale about safety concerns. Siblings feel that ALF is out of the question because Mom doesn't want that.
Your mom wants to stay in her home. Most people do. If she wants to continue to live independently she will need some assistance like an aide who stays overnight to make sure your mom is ok. That's the compromise. You and your siblings will back off if she gets someone in the home to assist her. That's how you frame it.
As far as AL goes, you can't force your mom to move there. You can't physically carry her on your back and plop her down in an AL facility. If she continues to live at home she'll probably fall and end up in a NH anyway so let her hang onto her independence for as long as she can---with in-home help.
When you talk to Admissions Coordinators, they will have VERY helpful information for you. They've been to your rodeo and back many times. When you find one you're satisfied with, ask the AC if you can bring mom for a tour at lunch time so she can sample the food.
All this without even discussing it with your mom. When everything's in place to spring the news, make an appointment with the AC, and have mom for an overnight with her puppy. Tell her that a friend of yours talked up the one you've chosen, and you JUST WANT HER TO HAVE A LOOK. She has no IDEA, after all, what AL is really all about.
Then sell her the sizzle. Forget the steak. That's for later. The activities; the gardens; the free transportation; the wonderful food, the pretty rooms. Maybe even see if your appointment can coincide with one of their entertainment programs...they have lots. Take her to that. Make a half-day out of it.
Go home and let it all sink in. Answer her questions . . . still talk about the sizzle. Let her steep on the busy day she's had.
Then tomorrow, talk about the steak. The STEAK is that she'd be close to you. She'd have no responsibilities other than taking puppy out and choosing from the meal menus. No fussing about doctor appointments. (They usually come to ALs.) She'd see you more often...your kids, if you have them...assure her she can easily afford it.
She'll be thinking about how much trouble it'll be. "No trouble at all!" I'll come for a few days to pack up your best clothing...photographs...some personal things you'd like in your room...and one morning? We'll go there for lunch...and you'll check in to your new suite!! "I'll handle every single little thing!!"
"I'd be sooo THRILLED to have you close by? You can't even imagine!"
(If you can't find a facility that takes pups, then tell her you're fencing your yard for her puppy; she'll have a wonderful life with you; and you'll bring her to visit every time you come. (Almost every ALF allows that . . . people love them.)
Good luck!!
I like Maggie's idea of taking her to lunch at an ALF BEFORE you have the conversation, but is that feasible? Were you thinking of bringing her close to you, eight hours away from where she is now? Or finding a place in her current town? Do other family members live close to that?
Anyway, having a specific place to talk about (even if it isn't the one she'd be moving to) would be good background for the conversation. (You are going to do this face-to-face, right? Not on the phone.) You can matter-of-factly show her the cost of an ALF, and compare it to the cost of staying home with the help she has now plus a night aide. Then you can talk about what she sees as the benefits of each. This is, of course, assuming she is willing to talk about it at all. One conversation is not going to settle this, but at least you are planting the seed.
Is your mom being treated for depression?
In the end, you do what you can and accept that you can't control her life. I know you know that . . . but don't feel guilty. Some people can't get past their own desires, even when it's in their very best interest. And there's nothing the rest of us can do.
If your mom is having trouble getting up from the toilet, have safety rails installed. We had them installed in the shower and toilet area to assist. Get her a seat for the toilet that has the handles so she sits higher and gets a better balance when sitting down and getting back up. Get her a hospital bed in the house which will help her get in and out of bed- I am renting theirs. The life alert has been a God send and they wear theirs 24x7. Life alert will call the neighbors, family, MedAct , etc... We got Dad a recliner lift chair so it stands him up and helps him balance. All of these things are minimum costs and possibly could help make your Mom safer at home if the decision is to keep her at her house for at least the next 6 months.
Parents don't want to lose what they "feel" they can control and the money is huge for them. I get it. If she suffers depression and is totally against AL, than perhaps putting her into Independent Living that is more like a small home would be the option to consider. She gets hot meals cooked for her 2x's a day, transportation to shop or go to the doctors and still has independence. You may still need to keep the caregiver but perhaps could decrease the hours? It might be a good transition to AL since they generally are in the same community. Perhaps after a few months you could convince her to get rid of the caregiver for the same price and move her to AL. Wish you best...it's been an exhausting experience.
This has to be a guided tour ending up in a move to a safer, more purpose built/equipped location.
Dementia gets worse, and can spring surprise crisis on you at the WORST most inconvenient times.
One thing I did with my mom that I do not regret is just handling it for her. She couldn't make decisions anymore, and would just get mean & angry when a decision came up. She wasn't aware her reasoning was going, going gone.
I was able to get DPOA, so I could write checks out her account. My husband & I found a place for her nearby that was a continuum care campus. They also take medicaid. We toured, we reserved her spot.
Then we took her over for lunch & a tour. She LOVED the model apartment. We finalized the paperwork right there. They had to remodel the unit reserved for her, so for the next three weeks, we prepared her for the move. Then move day happened, and I did all the unpacking without her, so everything was in place when she was brought over for supper, to stay.
Yes, there were some transitional behaviors, but staff is used to it, and it's normal. It's a darn good thing she was there when she fell & hit her head in May. As an existing resident, she had preference for rehab after a hospital stay. Then with more dementia decline, she has been shifted down into the nursing home wing. Recently, she had another episode in the hospital, and was immediately put into a memory-care ward after. I did not have to do any work to find a spot for her when her needs changed.
If I had let her be at home, she'd be gone by now without a doubt.
I like your style! Unfortunately sibs are not okay with that style. I do have DPOA for financial issues, but other sib does for medical issues since they are in same city. I would be fine with doing that since I manage her finances 90%; but, sibs will not go for it and she is still declared capable of making her own decisions by her doctors. Doctors see her at her best and know there is more to it, but, full battery of psych testing declared her capable with occasional assistance. She does get overwhelmed and then balks at ANY more discussion. So I do not have full authority.
I am really glad you took charge and made it happen. More dementia is a certainty once it starts. You were smart to select a facility with full continuum of care too; very important point.
Let us know how it goes with mum!! and my prayers are with you!
Like ive said before here you ARE lucky in US that you have some very nice ALs here in Ireland we are so behind in elder care and elders end up in NH when all they need is an AL? there are a few but only for the well off which is so wrong hopefully this changes soon! AL would be perfect for mum she laughs in my face when i mention it?
Good luck and let us know what happens!
That might be something else to consider, but until it has been Rhonda's mother calls the shots.
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