He's 83 and has been living with me for 3 yrs. My brothers never came to visit when they lived in the same state and now have moved from Alaska to Arizona and want take dad there for a visit. I am concerned that this would be very confusing for him to be going to different changing environments that would not be ideal for his situation. Can anyone share their possible experiences with a situation like this?
What a can of worms so to speak. Do they even know what's involved and how to take care of your dad? You don't say what state your dad is generally in, behaviorally, how he handles new environments, movement, lots of people buzzing about, chatter, etc. And what are his bathroom, bathing and other hygiene needs.
What is his level of recollection? Why would he need to go see Arizona, and maybe mess him up mentally, if he wouldn't even be able to remember it?
And how would they plan to get him there? Long car trips are usually a recipe for disaster. Flying is often something that freaks out dementia patients, sometimes not until the very last minute, and often also due to security regulations and TSA pat downs.
Some have gone so far as to rent RVs when a trip of any length is involved so the patient can have a bed and a bathroom whenever necessary.
Depending on the length of the trip, the mode of transportation and your father's condition, your brothers maybe biting off more than I can chew.
Does your dad have any money that they want to get their hands on? It will be harder for you to get your dad back from so far away in another state.
I'm sorry to bring that up, but their sudden desire to be involved seem suspicious.
I live 800 miles from my mom. When my dad died in 2007, we, my younger sister (who lives within 40 minutes of mom) and myself, tried to keep her in her home. That lasted about a year. She lives in a very nice assisted living facility for memory care patients near where her home was. We and she both thought at the time that keeping her in her home town, would allow other interested family and friends access. I use to have my mom come to visit me. We had a caregiver travel with her. Although she had visited and stayed in my home many times, it was very still stressful on her and my family. Although my sister is very responsible and dutiful with my mom, there is little social interaction. My sister sacrifices her vacation to bring my mom to her doctor's appointments. Earlier on she would include mom in family gatherings. Since my dad died my mom has become severely distrustful and hateful towards my sister, so I don't blame my sister one bit. Very few people, if any regularly visit with my mom. As far as mom thinks, she falsely believes that no one has visited her for months. When I speak with her (on the phone or in person), she really doesn't remember who I am. I personally yurn to move my mom here. I don't know how she would react to the move, so I don't do it. For the most part she seems to be able to remember where her room is. I don't know if she could relearn anything. So when I get to go home once, possibly twice a year, I stop in and visit. She tells me about her fantasy family of 6 kids (there are only 2 that we know of) who live very far away and that are too busy in their lives to visit. She complains about where she lives. She doesn't know why she has been put there, but she knows one day she will get out and be able to live her life. In the next breath, she is explaining about what a wonderful place she lives and they take very good care of her and allow her to be as independent as they can. It rips me apart inside. I go back to my home and live with guilt and doubt that if I moved her closer to me that she may be happier. I selfishly fantasize about stopping after work and joining her for meals and holidays and hanging out with her on weekends. Some days, I pray for her to be permanently released.
Maybe you could make a deal with your brother. If he came and stayed with you (or you take this time to get a little break) for a week and he took care of your father in your home, as a trial, you would have more faith that he is able take care of him, or more likely, your brother will realize that he is incapable of taking care of your dad and that your dad shouldn't be taken away from his stable environment. The education for both of you may be enlightening and enriching. Best wishes.
So I guess this "Since my friend couldn't/wouldn't visit him, his kids moved him to their nearby Kaiser (3 hr from my friend) and that was the beginning of the end; once boyfriend was in nursing home the kids ensured he made a new POA naming them and revoking her and it goes on." indicates the kids were not acting in their dad's best interest? Maybe they should have left him to just be alone...
Bullseye,
There are quite a lot of horror stories posted on this site. Most people don't post the good and happy events/news. Unless your family member (brother here) has displayed bad are harmful behaviors, I think you should consider the effect your decision and how you handle the request, may have on your relationship with him/her. Once your parent dies, he/she maybe your only remaining family. I'm not saying throw all caution to the wind. I'm sure you know in your heart why your brother stayed away. Education for your sibling along with thoughtful and considerate dialog should be the starting point, not listening to only the horrors listed on this site.
From what you've written, it sounds as though your brother is offering to do his part, to share the responsibility of taking care of your father. If he has a care plan and your father's doctor says it's ok for him to travel and spend time with your brother, why don't you let your dad go for a visit? You also have to ask yourself whether or not your dad would want to spend time with your brother? If the answer is, "yes," you should try to work with your brother.
You probably could use a break. Don't let this be about, "He didn't come to my house, so I'm not going to let Dad travel to see him." Your brother is your father's child too, and dementia/Alzheimer's can take a toll on every one in the family. Take this opportunity to let your brother be his father's son, to spend time caring for him provided he has a plan, a network of care, and is capable of caregiving. Look at it this way, as well: Who would take care of your dad if something, God forbid, ever happened to you. If the responsibility would naturally falls to your brother, meet him half way and let him help out.
Travel can be very good for persons with dementia, depending on their particular behaviors and state of mind. Like Lindadb61 I traveled with my loved one throughout the 10 years he had dementia. We traveled by car, plane, train, and took 2 cruises. All of it was good.
BUT ... we traveled together. He trusted me. I knew his particular needs. The scenery was new, the environment was different, but his most important constant -- me -- never changed. It sounds like that was the case with Lindadb61 and her mother, too.
If you wanted to take Dad to Arizona, that might be fine (depending on the nature of his disease). But to go off with people who haven't even been visiting him for three years does not sound like a good idea to me!
By contrast, my dad, when he only had stage 2 or 3 Alzheimer's, and had my mom and me as his center, when we took him somewhere only 40 minutes away, within 10 or 15 minutes he was already not enjoying the new environment and wanting to go home. There was no reasoning with him or consoling him until we would get in the car and leave.
I'm still suspicious about why your brothers are suddenly wanting to be involved after 3 years of having the ability to be involved nearby but not participating. Again I mention if there is an estate involved, taking your dad to another state could create a lot of unintended financial consequences for both you and your dad that you may never be able to undo. People are rarely suddenly altruistic. Have caution!
Discouraging primary caregivers from sharing caregiving responsibilities with other siblings helps no one. If one sibling is primary caregiver, he or she is going to need major breaks caring for a sick parent. If the other sibling lives out of state, a quick visits won't cut it; neither will a visit for a week. Real respite is needed and, in the vast majority of cases, your sibling's home is a much better option than placing your parent in a respite facility for few weeks. Circumstances have to be extraordinary to block a sibling from helping with care. And sibling differences, quite common in families where a parent is suffering from dementia, is not enough to say, "No, my sibling can not be trusted caring for our parent."
Again, most siblings who offer help don't do so out of some false sense of altruism. Many want to help, but are prevented from doing so by siblings who want help, but refuse help unless they can control how their parent is cared for in their siblings home. You can't have it both ways. You can't ask for help on condition that your siblings do everything you do, the way you do it, no questions asked. Each sibling has their own caregiving approach and unless your sibling has no caregiving abilities; is abusive and/or completely unstable, he or she should be given the opportunity to share the caregiving role.
If you need help, and help comes your way, and you turn it down because you can't deal with giving up control of a parent's day-to-day care, don't start pointing fingers at siblings who have stepped up to help, time and again, only to be turned away. If the doctor says there's no reason a parent can't spend time with other siblings, accept help, and in the process, help heal family rifts.
No one is suggesting that the brothers COULDN'T or SHOULDN'T help with their dad, just that bullseye should be cautious and investigate their motives.
If you have read many of the horror stories posted on this forum, especially dealing with money and moving across state lines, the sudden interest of the brothers deserves some scrutiny.
This forum is to post opinions, personal experiences and support. I take the position that if I know something, I share in the most informative way I know how. It is up to the poster to correlate the information given as it applies to their own situation, of which we only know a part.
My own mother was having some early dementia symptoms. She lived in her own home a block from me, and I have taken "care" of her for ten years. Up to the age of 90, she drove & volunteered in a local elementary school. Due to balance and memory issues, I have been more involved with her transportation and shopping. But lately I had to spend more time helping her remain "independent." Any change in routine caused confusion. For example, she took her vitamin every day at the same time. When the doctor prescribed the only Rx she ever needed, I put it in her pill box with the vitamin, and told her to take them at the same time. She stopped taking everything, because there was an extra pill & she didn't know what to do with it. I had to go to her house 3 times/day, just to be sure she took her meds and was eating & drinking. I brought her food and snacks. She didn't want to join us for meals, didn't keep the same hours as us, etc.
She fell, and was hospitalized. While there, she became more confused, and the doctors said she could no longer be alone in her home. She was moved to a rehab/nursing facility for PT & OT. While there, she 'named' her children, but they were all her siblings. She became more depressed and uncooperative, wanting to go home, but not knowing where it was. She cried, yelled that she can't trust me, etc. We moved her into a beautiful assisted living/personal care facility, 1 mile from my home. She accepted that she was there "for a while". My closest brother is 4 hour drive away. The other is 3 states away. Both offered for her to live with them. Neither realized the level of need, or that she is so emotionally attached to routines. My younger brother visited her, and decided this was best for her. Uprooting her, requiring her to get used to new environments, would cause more stress. Also, the only people she would see are them. Where she is now, former neighbors, card club members, and other friends she has made over 10 years come and visit. She has been there one month, and although she still thinks she will be able to go "home" she no longer cries about it, and just keeps "working" on her walking and memory so she will be able to leave.
My brother asked her if she would like to come stay with him for a couple weeks, and she said no. He asked if she would like to go for a short while at Thanksgiving, and she said she wants to take things one day at a time.
Let your brothers come for a week while you go to Arizona...
My mother spent 8 days in the hospital with me by her side day and night and we have been home for over 2 weeks and she is still agitated and unable to sleep.
I do not know why your brothers want to take Dad to Arizona, but his days of traveling are most likely over. If you have any idea that they may be trying to take Dad due to finances or anything I would go talk to Dad's doctor and explain to him what is happening and how you are afraid this will affect Dad's mental well being and ask doctor to write letter for you explaining that it is not a good idea to move him for any length of time.
You father is not a ping pong ball that can be bounced back and forth. Going through all the trauma in your family would be difficult for a person who is perfectly well, but your father is sick, mentally sick, and he cannot handle the tug of war that is going on between you and your brothers. It is not fair to him in any sense of the word and actually Adult Protective Services should probably be alerted to the problem because he should not be stuck in the center of a fight over his estate.
You have already been told that YOU ARE NOT WELCOME, therefore you and your father need to stay at home. If you pack your father up and head to Arizona, you are now on their turf and you are asking for a fight. Do Not Do This!!!
You have to see that your responsibility is to care for your father, and his well being should be what is most important to you, not taking him to Arizona so a real know down drag out fight can ensue. You can be damaging your father's mental condition further and he may never recover back to where he has been.
Unless the court case against you states that you need to relinquish your father to your brothers, then stay at home and invite them to come up for a visit with their father in your home.
If deep down, you truly no longer want to care for father, then, proceed to go to AZ like you keep mentioning. I also suspect your desire because truly, you know deep down, that your siblings should be the one to come and visit you all. You knew it was suspicious when they insisted that YOU are Not welcome. Yet, you still want to bring father. It sounds like you're torn inside on your caregiving father.
Try to decide what you really want. If you decide that you've done enough and it's time for your brothers to care for your father, then so be it. But really expect them to set the rules regarding father. And if they decide that you shouldn't be allowed to visit him, so be it. I mean, they're already saying that you're not welcomed. That's a sign. This is my take of the situation. Only you know what's really going on with the siblings and within yourself. I don't judge you on whatever decision you make. I've been helping caregiving for 24years now. And I'm beginning to yearn for my freedom and trying to find the gumption to do it. But I think, for you, you really need to sit down and figure out what it is you really want with regards to your father.